My therapist helped a little

[brokensea]

I just started therapy a few weeks ago. My therapist said something that I think helped.

He said he doesn't know exactly how I feel but he knows I'm in so much pain and it's too much pain for one person to carry and he would help carry my pain with me.

He said no one would want to live in this kind of pain and I shouldn't have to feel this alone. He just let me wail and cry.

I felt like someone cared saying they would help to carry my pain. I'm still depressed and want to die but sometimes in moments the pain is less because I felt like someone actually gave a sh$t about how I was feeling and saw it and wasn't scared by how much excruciating pain I'm in. That they'd want to sit there with me while I was in so much pain and feel that with me and want to share my burden.

It was really touching and I don't know if anyone has ever cared how I felt in that way or wanted to share in it so I wasn't alone.

I still want to die but it helped somehow. I felt grateful and a small part of me felt connected to another person. Something I don't ever really feel anymore.

 

[Smart No More]

I totally get what you mean. Often people will avoid sitting in your pain with you and try to offer up positive platitudes too quickly and in doing so they essentially dismiss your actual suffering and make you feel more segregated and distanced from them. Their good intentions appear lazy and unwilling to actually hear, understand and accept what you're going through because it's just too much of a reach for them. Sometimes you just want someone to acknowledge and know what you deal with. When someone does extend themselves far enough into your world that way you see their decency and its so welcomed with appreciation and an involuntary release of emotion because carrying that weight unacknowledged all that time has built up an incredible pressure. It's really nice to read that you were able to have that release. I'm glad for you. If a little jealous. Sounds like you might have a therapist worth keeping. : )

 

[nosurpries]

human connection can hold more weight than words. cheers

 

[Lauriso]

That is wonderful. Even if you choose to kill yourself, you will have experienced the taste of true compassion.

Today I sent this quote from Ram Dass to a friend:

Deep companionship, born of honesty, can often arise when we meet one another in Not Knowing. "What's the matter?" "I don't really know." "Well, I don't know either, but here I am." What's important, potentially even most healing, is that we're being together in truth, the truth of our present uncertainty. That mutual acknowledgment, and the sense of unity that comes of it, may make possible discoveries we'd never dreamed of in our efforts to figure it all out or pretend we understand. Humility turns out to be the threshold of insight.

 

[brokensea]

That is wonderful. Even if you choose to kill yourself, you will have experienced the taste of true compassion.

Today I sent this quote from Ram Dass to a friend:

I really like that last line. Humility turns out to be the threshold of insight. All of it it's how I felt.

My friends can't understand how I feel. No one would know how to help or would say a few words and move on with their life. Talking to any family about it is a joke. No one wants to deal with someone suicidal. I don't want to be a burden either so I am alone completely and utterly alone. Day after day. I rarely have left my house in two years now. The one person I had just made me feel worse and never understood and finally abandoned me to die last week. They promised to always be there for me and I said I'm going not going to make it and I guess they were ok with me dying so abandoned me. But they never truly got what I was going through or supported me or ever made me feel better they just were a sounding board.

I feel so complicated that someone wanted to share my pain and my burden. I don't think in my entire life someone has said or done that for me. The only connection I've had in 10 years is my ex who just abandoned me. I felt nothing for anything or anyone. Like a shotgun blew out my chest along with my heart and there was just a gaping hole of nothingness. I felt it was impossible to ever connect to anything again. Now I feel a small connection with my therapist but I still feel like a burden. I feel toxic like when I care about someone now because I've just become such an awful person dealing with awful people so long. I needed to talk to my ex constantly he was all I had. I threatened suicide when he wanted to leave. Said terrible words about what a POS he was but he really was. How can I care about anyone and who would even want me to? I don't even want to care about anyone for their own sake. I'm a bottomless pit of emptiness and neediness. Sadness and anger. What if I do and say something terrible to my therapist, this kind person and he doesn't even want to see me again?

 

[theboy]

Congratulation

 

[doormat25]

That is wonderful. Even if you choose to kill yourself, you will have experienced the taste of true compassion.

Today I sent this quote from Ram Dass to a friend: