My suicide will shock my family but it shouldn't

[LastBitOfJoy]

I am so close to it, just waiting for the appropriate time for it. But my family thinks I will be okay, they have no idea how suicidal and dead I am inside. They tell me : "Start getting your life together at this point" and I said I will, I appear very positive and happy but they don't know how bad I feel inside.

And at this point, my suicide will shock them as they won't expect from me. But I could never be honest with them because they won't understand, they say "be honest with us" but if I be honest they will go mad, they did in the past when they heard my suicidal feelings, my dad became aggresive and angry towards me, they always get so judgemental and they don't even try to understand. Maybe that's one of the reasons I am also suicidal.

At this point, I don't care how they feel, because they never gave a shit about how I feel, they always wanted me to act how they wanted me to be acting. So I make them think I will act like that, I am manipulating them in a way, but I have no other choice left.

Anyways, I will not live and I will ctb in a few days, I don't care about anyone, this is my life and my body, I get to choose whether I will live or not. I am not anybody's comfort item.

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope that you find the freedom you search for, best wishes. And I see it as always better not to open up about wanting to die in the first place, it's dreadful how many humans are so insensitive and just invalidate suffering.