I've recently taken to keeping a diary of my addiction recovery attempts. Unfortunately my attempts haven't been going that well, so my suicidal ideation gets put on the page too. If I can be positive and cling on to some hope, I try to focus on those feelings, but right now I have no positivity. One of the few scraps of integrity I still have is a commitment to document my emotions honestly, and this forum seems about the only place I can share them in anonymity. Writing it down helps relieve a little anxiety and sharing it here seems to help, I think. I'm not a victim of abuse, and I didn't grow up unloved or in poverty. I'm just a suicidal addict.
It's 3am and I hate myself. I'm scared, I don't want to have to jump off that cliff but it seems like my only option. Nobody close to me has any idea what it's like to hate yourself so much that jumping off a cliff seems the only way out.
If I had a gun I'd consider shooting myself. If I had N I would 100% do it that way. N seems a beautiful way to die. Gas bag from what little I know sounds completely impractical. I'm going to look into SN more but it sounds unpleasant. Hanging also sounds unpleasant.
I'm so anxious I feel sick. I'm as depressed as I've ever been. I have ruined my own life. I wonder what those few seconds of freefall will be like. As long as I die instantly when I land I don't really care.
I wish I could bring myself to cutting, just as a temporary release. For the first time in my life I think I understand why people do it. I'm a bit scared of the pain. I suppose I already self harm myself by scratching till I bleed. Maybe I will research cutting.
Talking today just made me feel worse. I'm a burden and I'm not worthy of my mother's love. I'm selfish and self pitying. I'm a liar and an addict. I'm a scumbag basically. I can't even masturbate anymore, such is my level of self loathing. I can't even bring myself to have a fucking wank.
Society is cold and unforgiving. I think about jumping almost every day. I do not make the world a better place; in fact I make it a little bit worse. I wonder if I would be conscious for more than a split second when I hit the ground. I wonder if it is difficult to land head first. If I had N I would be a bit happier, knowing I have that pain free option. I would consider taking it now. A few minutes and poof, goodbye me.
Once I jump I can't go back. This is a comfort, I think. A few seconds of terror is all I have to deal with. No real chance of anything but near instant death. No more worrying or pain or shame or depression or self hatred. Just a fucking thrilling fall and then the world carries on as normal.
If anybody here thinks that hard drugs are a worthy option in order to cope, they're not. I started using opiates largely as an attempt at self medication for my pre-existing anxiety and depression. They just made everything a hundred times worse. I wasn't suicidal before I became an addict. I didn't live in constant fear of withdrawal. I wasn't surrounded by reminders of my failures. I wouldn't wish addiction and substance dependence on anybody.
It's 3am and I hate myself. I'm scared, I don't want to have to jump off that cliff but it seems like my only option. Nobody close to me has any idea what it's like to hate yourself so much that jumping off a cliff seems the only way out.
If I had a gun I'd consider shooting myself. If I had N I would 100% do it that way. N seems a beautiful way to die. Gas bag from what little I know sounds completely impractical. I'm going to look into SN more but it sounds unpleasant. Hanging also sounds unpleasant.
I'm so anxious I feel sick. I'm as depressed as I've ever been. I have ruined my own life. I wonder what those few seconds of freefall will be like. As long as I die instantly when I land I don't really care.
I wish I could bring myself to cutting, just as a temporary release. For the first time in my life I think I understand why people do it. I'm a bit scared of the pain. I suppose I already self harm myself by scratching till I bleed. Maybe I will research cutting.
Talking today just made me feel worse. I'm a burden and I'm not worthy of my mother's love. I'm selfish and self pitying. I'm a liar and an addict. I'm a scumbag basically. I can't even masturbate anymore, such is my level of self loathing. I can't even bring myself to have a fucking wank.
Society is cold and unforgiving. I think about jumping almost every day. I do not make the world a better place; in fact I make it a little bit worse. I wonder if I would be conscious for more than a split second when I hit the ground. I wonder if it is difficult to land head first. If I had N I would be a bit happier, knowing I have that pain free option. I would consider taking it now. A few minutes and poof, goodbye me.
Once I jump I can't go back. This is a comfort, I think. A few seconds of terror is all I have to deal with. No real chance of anything but near instant death. No more worrying or pain or shame or depression or self hatred. Just a fucking thrilling fall and then the world carries on as normal.
If anybody here thinks that hard drugs are a worthy option in order to cope, they're not. I started using opiates largely as an attempt at self medication for my pre-existing anxiety and depression. They just made everything a hundred times worse. I wasn't suicidal before I became an addict. I didn't live in constant fear of withdrawal. I wasn't surrounded by reminders of my failures. I wouldn't wish addiction and substance dependence on anybody.
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