Story My Suicide Countdown Journal

[EmptyBlackSoul]

Goal: Find Peace Before My 30th Birthday

Why:

• Aging out of youth resources
• Ex (my rapist) stole years of my life I will never get back
• I'm alone and have lost hope in being loved intimately again
• No money. Barely living on disability.
• Life feels like it's falling apart every month

Reasons to live:

• My family, cat and friends
• My fans (I'm a writer)
• I'm apparently "gifted"
• Supposed chance of happiness within the time I have left.

[ENTRY: 222 Days Remaining]​

So adding onto the fact that I've been stressed and miserable, it would seem I've also gotten a little sick as well (most likely COVID). Now I can't go anywhere to ease my loneliness for a while. Yah, more insolation (sarcasm). I guess the best thing I can do is occupy myself with my writing for now. Maybe I can do that Novel November thing. I wanted to try some voice narration, but forgot my throat is sore.
I also recently suffered having my heart stepped on, but hopefully that just helps me become more numb to life's torment.

 

[WornOutLife]

Gratz on writing down this journal even though it might've not been easy.
Sorry about the bad things have happened to you but I really admire your guts and organization to go for it.

I'll probably do something similar. Ty 4 the inspiration <3.

 

[EmptyBlackSoul]

[Entry: 218 Days Remaining]

Legitimately, the one thing stopping me from ending it all right now is consistently taking my meds.

It's also probably because I'm still sick, but it's so apparent that I'm barely surviving with what little money I get every month.

I moved out a little north to help my family, but it's very obvious I'm off worse than I was. And if I wasn't sick, it wouldn't be so bad, but with the recent emotional stress taking a toll on my mental health, it's left me broken inside.

Maybe it's because I can't access Tinder right now (their verification camera thing doesn't work for me for whatever reason), but the dating scene here has been dreadful due to my more 'remote' location.

And even if I had a regular cuddle buddy, it would help so much with my mood. I've been told I'm a "hot girl" but it means nothing if frequent travelling isn't reasonable.

I'm already planning to move back to Toronto in January but I would honestly prefer it if I found a way to make where I am work out.

I'd also like to remind my birth mother that I didn't consent to being born into this world. I'm regularly upset that people frequently bring kids into this collapsing world when they could help the ones already here by giving them a home.

Sigh. I guess the one positive in the last few days is that I've been able to write three book chapters. I just took my meds at 3PM, so it's going to be a slow start to my day, but hopefully it'll be enough to make a good chapter to help ease the torment of
my depression.

 

[EmptyBlackSoul]

[Entry: 201 Days Remaining]

My weekend date plans were actually starting to look exciting...until a snowstorm came and ruined all that, so now I'm home alone again with my thoughts.

With how bad my depression is getting, I'm beginning to think my meds are either insufficient, or just not working like they used to. It feels like I'm constantly swimming in the void in my head now. I'm even having trouble writing my book even with my ADHD meds.

Right now, I'm listening to F4F ASMR audios in the hope that it can at least help my state of mind a little. And my cat has joined me in bed to help with my depression, so that's a plus.

But for tonight, I'm hoping to sleep longer, hence why I just took sleeping pills. Even nightmares sound better than enduring the lonely torment of reality right now.

 

[EmptyBlackSoul]

[Entry: 193 Days Remaining]

Everyday it feels like I'm just drowning underwater. Even with my ADHD meds, I'm overwhelmed by just how much things need to be done.

I caught back up to the One Piece anime recently, and in it, the scientist Dr. Vegapunk had to divide himself into other bodies because his one body couldn't keep with all the ideas and things he wanted to do. That's what it feels like when I can actually think while medicated. But unlike Dr. Vegapunk who is backed by the world government, I'm just a girl (more so non-binary though) who's trying to survive the world that feels like it's collapsing everyday around me.

Either I'm drowning in my own mind due to my ADHD, or I'm overwhelmed by the sheer volume of things that need to be done to better my situation.

It's exhausting, and it makes me sympathize why people turn to drugs to not deal with reality (I can't even afford the luxury of drugs).

However, there is some good that has happened recently:

• A friend gave me money for a new drawing tablet I needed for my work as an Illustrator (I had accidently broken my last one due pins in my bag damaging the screen, and it was at such a bad time when I needed to immerse myself in drawing to help my mental health). Words can't express my gratitude
• One of the prettiest girls I've met, and who shockingly also has a crush on me, is coming over today. I'm still planning our day, but I'm so nervous thinking about it, haha.
• I had a table at an author event yesterday and it went pretty well, considering I wasn't as prepared as I hoped due to constantly being exhausted with life stuff. A girl said she'll ask the library to buy a copy of my book
• And lastly, a poster I got for my room as a little treat is out for delivery today, so I'm hyped for that as well.

It seems Christmas 2025 will at least be better than I hoped. I really needed a win somewhere in life right now to feel like everyday wasn't a fight for survival.

 

[EmptyBlackSoul]

[Entry: 178 Days Remaining]

I believe for the first time, I think I understand what it means to matter to someone.

It occurred to me after I realized my crush and I barely communicated after we got to know each other, which was strange because, in person, we really liked each other's company. But it could be days between waiting for a response and anxiously waiting to hear back from her.

I know we're all busy and can have bad days of course, but I don't think anyone would disagree that a potential partner who's interested would be more committed to staying in touch with you. Heck, that goes even for someone you're in a relationship with. And if it's affecting you negatively that your crush isn't prioritizing you as you are them, then you may have to seriously reconsider if that's who you want to be with.

It only clicked with me when I texted my best friend because I know could always rely on them to respond, and the same goes for me (And before you say it, yes I have considered dating them, lol. I even had a crush on them myself but they're not interested in girls as much, lol hence why they're always getting heartbroken by boys :P)

In short: Don't be hung up on someone who isn't as interested in you, as you are them. I kinda feel silly that it took me so long to realize it, but then again, I am what they call a useless lesbian lol

However, as enlightening as that may be, I'm not exactly swimming in options either. Forget the time limit I have on myself, there's no guarantee that person even exists. I'm even considering giving a straight relationship with a guy a try if it means not being alone at this point.

Well, at least makes it easier for me to leave this world with no regret next year.

Other things on my mind:

• Good: I recently got the back pay for my Canadian Disability benefit. It was actually the one thing that has pulled me out of debt to help me rebuild my credit score, whereas I thought I might just have to apply for bankruptcy. Easily one of the best Christmas gifts ever. If I can get a suitable job, getting a car loan (I love to drive) sounds obtainable within the next year.
• Good: I propose doing a bookclub in the new year with my crush and she's super excited about it
• Bad: My (adoptive) mom hasn't been doing the best mentally lately and it has led to her yelling to the point where I've told her I'm going to have to move back out because of it. I really didn't want to stress her so close to Christmas, but it was the first time I've cried in a while because of the things she said. And that's coming from someone who tells myself "Crying helps no one."
• Bad: Amazon KDP (Kindle Direct Publishing) recently terminated my account and delisted my book. Not just my main source of income, but also one of my proudest life accomplishments as a self-published author. And the best part? They won't tell me what I did wrong. Thanks, Jeff

Sigh.

One last thing on my mind:
My six-year-old niece was talking with my crush and was telling her/us how she feels unwanted by her parents (she has significant trauma from her abusive biological mother). And because she has trouble making friends, we're like the "cool" adults that are her best friends. Even when me and my crush are alone, she wants to hang out with us (Ah, we're like her 'secondary' parents in a sense, haha)

My niece talks about being excluded at school, and as the once fat, ugly kid growing up, I know her pain all too well.

I never want any kid to feel like that, especially my family.

…Perhaps that's a reason for me to keep going, even if at the same time, people may say it's
also not my responsibility.

 

[EmptyBlackSoul]

[Entry: 169 Days Remaining]

It'll be New Year's in the next two hours…

…and if I'm being honest, I am scared of 2026.

For me, in its first half, it's a 'Make It or Die' scenario because I feel so incapacitated by my loneliness and depression.

My ADHD has distorted my perception of time, as when my meds have run their course for the day, it feels like I'm going back into a dark hole and losing touch with reality. I can't think, and when I can't think, I lose track of time and of all the things I should be doing.

Such is the life of one who's cursed by their own brain.

If Christmas was any indicator, I'm not looking forward to the rest of my final days. I missed out on my family's Christmas dinner, one of the reasons being suddenly ill (woes of being chronically ill as well).


It's been a while since I wrote a chapter for my latest book…

...as I'm still dealing with the issue of my novel being delisted from Amazon.

The one positive is that I'm drawing a lot more often now. It's basically my therapy while I try to find a publisher.

However, I find myself looking for more escapes from the struggles of reality.

Whenever I let my brain wonder, I imagine myself in a dark fantasy world where I, the protagonist, has lost the love of their life. Overcome with grief, they intend to destroy the world with their powers.

The second dark fantasy world is one where the protagonist is asked to help takedown a villain by enrolling in a school. It's my way of letting myself replace my traumatic school memories.


My crush was supposed to come over on Monday…

…but a snow storm once again blew all of that away. However, it doesn't really bother me this time around because I've accepted my crush is most likely just going to be a crush (they're not really looking for a relationship at the moment) and I can let myself look at other romantic options.

The problem is just my depression stopping me from doing a lot of things, even basic everyday tasks.

However, I'm supposed to be put on a new antidepressant soon, so who knows, maybe that'll cure my depression, eh? lol.

I'm not really one for New Years resolutions, but I think I'm going to give myself a little challenge of widening my romantic pursuits in 2026 by hopefully being more active (wish me luck). If it's meant to be, maybe I'll keep living a little longer, but I'm not holding my breath.


Ah, I keep forgetting to mention that my favourite childhood game series is getting remastered!

Megaman Star Force Legacy Collection!

I wasn't even sure if remastering it was even feasible due to how the game uses the dual screens of the DS (it functioned as an extended third person camera), so I thought Capcom might not even bother.

But then I saw the trailer and was like "Okay, I can't kill myself just yet lol". I NEED it in my life, at least before I go. Thankfully it's releasing in the first half of 2026.

I still remember my aunt was the one who bought me the original Megaman Star Force Leo on the DS, and I still have it now (albeit without its case, haha)

 

[EmptyBlackSoul]

[117 Days Remaining]

Ah, it's been a while since I wrote anything.

I guess I should start with the good news: I have a girlfriend/partner.

It's actually kind of funny how we met. After my last date ended with the person just wanting to be friends, even though I was pretty optimistic about a relationship, I kind of just mentally gave up on relationships. I accepted that finding someone who understands the intimacy I desire was obviously too much of a hurdle, so I was about to settle for just hookups from then on.

But before I committed to that, I became friends with the roommates of the person I dated, while I was there. So I was invited back over and I got a fun music lesson learning to play the drums!

Afterwards, that's when I got to know their other roommate and we got to know each other. She was a bit reserved, but told me about the game she was making...and then we got romantically close, haha.

Both of us being introverted gamers, we meshed seamlessly well with each other. And the day after that we made it officially that we're definitely dating. That was Feb 7th, 13 days ago.

What can I say I like about her?

....well, everything?

Despite being younger than me, she's actually very mature as someone who had to grow up fast in a tough environment, like myself. She's adorably fun, dorky, sweet, kind and considerate. She knows what she likes, and I adore people with passionate hobbies. We're always on the same wavelength. She's exactly what I needed in my life, especially more than ever after five year relationship with my ex.

Also, I knew I saw a future with us when she said "You make me happy."

Now in terms of living situations, we've been going back and forth to our places because of our strong attachment to each others, so we're coordinating a place for ourselves in the not-so-distance future.


Finances

Still shit and in the red ╮(￣～￣)╭

Even when I pay off one debt, there's another expense that comes around to devour my savings.

I guess now I have someone else to help ease the financial burden for me, but I've never liked anyone having to help me take care of my money issues.

And that goes especially for someone who's had an ex that used their financial power as a noose around my neck so I couldn't leave the relationship. It doesn't help that my partner is younger than me, so I feel like I need to be more responsible than I ever.

I've begun making plans to hopefully get passive income again through my writing. I found a new website to self-publish my book (IngramSpark), however it's not as convenient as Kindle Direct Publishing, so it's going to take a while before my book is ready for sale again.


Gaming

I've been playing a lot of Arknights: Endfield. Funny enough, my partner loves management sims, so she took instantly to its factory management gameplay.

Ever since Endfield was announced, I was looking forward to it because I knew it was a game I would just get lost in when I played the beta two years. Originally I was supposed to have a full-fledged gaming PC now, but because my ex stole it and left me homeless, I had to sell the gaming PC I did have, and eventually got a mini PC since it was easier to travel with at the time.

Thankfully though, it runs Endfield really well in 1080p with lowered settings, despite running on a mobile/laptop APU.

I also played on my new friend's PS5 and it convinced me that I definitely need to invest getting one myself as someone who enjoys have a separate device for gaming where I can just suspend it and come back later to play it at anytime (a godsend for us with ADHD). Although my partner is trying to tempt me to the PC Gaming side, lol. She's already asking her friends for help in supplying the parts for me (and the used market here in Canada isn't actually too bad either).

Next month, Megaman Starforce Collection releases, so I'm obviously still pumped for that too. It's one of the reasons I've held on to my Switch.

And lastly, yes, I did confide in my partner about my suicide journal on here (for context, I have a countdown timer on one of my computer monitors so I know how much time I have left).

She said, "The countdown on your computer is just going to be a birthday countdown, and that's when I treat you to dinner."​

 

[EmptyBlackSoul]

[Entry: 95 Days Remaining]

_Worry for my Sisters_

I got the news yesterday that my sister is in the hospital because of a diabetic related health issue. I've been an anxious mess because since she was in another town over to visit her boyfriend, she's at the local hospital there. Mom already left to go, but it's not going to be easy to get there, even if I had a car.

This comes after the situation with my other sister, where she might be trapped in an abusive relationship in Toronto but is putting up with it since she wanted to be distant with us. She's not messaging us at all and the thing is is that we're all sickly worried about her and just want her to update this on things, even if she's an adult. I even tried adding her "partner" on Discord but they instantly blocked me. We asked the police to do a wellness check on her but they couldn't find her.

I've gone as far as hacking into her Discord and currently monitoring her messages to make sure she's alright, but she been deleting her message history, as well as making sure to converse by calls. She's always been like this because she tries to keep her digital fingerprint clean so she isn't caught cheating, but because she does, it makes it hard to know if she's okay at all.

We know she's alive because she withdraws her disability cheque from the bank and the last call with her "partner" was a few days ago, but I wish we didn't have to do all of this just to know she's alive. She's 20 and still so naïve of the real world because of how my mom spoiled us.

Sigh, I feel so powerless.

_My New Relationship_

My partner and I had our one month anniversary a week ago. It's been going well and I really appreciate how patient they are with me towards sex stuff, as not an overly sexual person myself. We're planning on moving in June, funnily enough, which is my birthday month.

However, we both noticed that I haven't been paying as much attention to the relationship for a little bit. That's because I've been overworking and focusing on my productivity. The other downside is that it's also leading me to be more stressed, as someone who has OCD levels of helping and fixing things.

My partner is more easygoing than I (personality-wise). That's why when I was panicking about how I was going to get to the hospital my sister is at yesterday, they were the one that talked a bit more sense into me to not rush and think about the situation more calmly. And of course, they were right because my sister isn't in as terrible of a situation that needed me to be there right there that instance.

That's why I want to make an effort to relax and enjoy myself a bit more. It's been a while since I've been able to engross myself in hobbies without feeling guilty that I could be doing something else more productive with my time.

Basically, I need to try not to focus so much on achieving everything I want before reaching 30 this year.

 

[EmptyBlackSoul]

[Entry: 74 Days Remaining]

_Why It Matters_

The topic of my birthday/suicide countdown came up again between my partner and I. They asked why it matters so much that I'll be 30, and what exactly changes when I do.

It was then that I thought about it once more for the first time since meeting them.

Originally, it mattered because the age for youth in Canada is 16-29, meaning I would be aging out of youth resources I use. However, the one resource that was the most important to me, the LGBTQ youth center, isn't something I go to anymore. It was my frequent spot when I lived in Toronto, especially with the free groceries and hygiene products they gave out that helped me survived (It's actually been quite tough without them).

Then there's the more psychological aspect of it, where I'm getting older but I feel as though my 20s was stolen from me by my ex. It's bad enough already that I feel like my childhood was stolen from me, and now a significant part of being adult is lost to time as well.

But with all that's said, I ask myself the question "WHAT am I losing at 30?"

I guess...nothing?

Obviously it's not so black and white, but as a highly co-dependant person, my partner has been the beacon of hope that inspires me that it won't be so bad as I've been telling myself.


_Emotionally Absent_

There's something I've noticed, and something my partner has noticed as well: I'm a workaholic. A lot of that is because I've put a mental timer on myself for things I want to get done before my 30th birthday as if it's a life-or-death scenario. But because of that, I'm not paying attention to the person that should matter the most to me.

Basically, since I've gotten the one thing I wanted as a highly co-dependant person (a partner who loves me and vice versa), I've been focusing all of my attention elsewhere. It's made my partner feel like a background character in my own story, something I didn't realize I've been doing.

My partner also notes how I've been not taking time to relax, constantly trying to help everyone when I can barely help myself. It's no surprise that they believe I'm trying to do too much, and at the same time, it's made me think about who and what my priorities really are at this time.

I'm no longer alone to fight this battle on my own, yet I still live my life as if I am. I guess that's just the me who had to rely only on herself, but it has the affect of alienating the person who wants to be part of my life.

Hmm.


My partner says they're jealous of me, especially with how much work I've been able to do. It's funny because I feel like I've failed everyone and failed at everything.

...If I want to think of it optimistically, I can also say that my 30s is probably when I'll actually start living.

 

[xeno112007]

I think your life is tough. I hope you find happiness.