Utter_emptiness
I hate myself
- Dec 22, 2022
- 29
On the 2nd of june 2022, I did my histology exam which I failed miserably and I got the worst grade in my graduating class. I was contemplating suicide for over 5 years and that failure was my final straw. I had told myself that If I fail that year, It would be enough proof of how much pathetic and unworthy my existence is. Around 2pm, I bought my favourite snakes, ate them, listened to my favourite songs for the last time, cleaned my dorm room, threw away my most precious belonging including my diaries, deleted my gmail accounts and socials, watched a yt video about a 100 celebrities who killed themselves just to hype myself up. Around 5pm, I went out to the garden and ate a bunch of sleeping pills (48 to be exact) and I took my 'last' walk around the campus. 6pm, I wrote 5 sticky notes and stuck them on my computer asking my family to format my laptop and respect my privacy and to not go snooping around. when 7.30pm arrived, I went to the cafeteria to bring my dinner, I ate it peacefully in my dorm room knowing I was finally gonna get my relief, I cleaned the dishes and I looked at the window to see the stars for the last time. Around 9pm I was getting sleepy, so i proceeded to go on with my plan. I put a chair (one of those with a slippery surface) and readied the noose by tying it to the closet's upper hook (english isnt my first language). I put it over my neck and I waited. I was beginning to slip and my knees were getting weaker. Next thing I know, I was dreaming and right after the dream, I had a vision/near death experience and the reason I was able to distinguish between the two was the fact the the NDE was brighter and it was a replication of my earliest childhood memories, I was a toddler lying in my mother's lap and she was caressing my cheek as I was getting ready to sleep. I remember waking up, screaming and my head was lightheaded and I felt slight pressure on my neck and temples. Subconsciously and unawaringly I clung to the chair which surprisingly didn't fall. (Maybe because it was misplaced and it wasn't right on the center from where the noose was tied so I just slipped from it). I freed myself from the noose which was hard and i fell asleep on the floor because my knees were so weak and I had no strength to walk to my bed. The following morning was hell because insects were itching every surface of my skin and I was hallucinating throughout the entire day; people were disappearing and reappearing, I was lagging and teleporting from one place to another. That night, I was lonely, I just thought maybe I should call my childhood friend and ask her if we can meet, we did, we talked about some random topics and when we were chatting, her friend approached us and we clicked instantly, we talked about movies, art, life,death and when we were about to separate, she gave me this whole little speech about hope and it was just what I needed to hear at the time. It got me through the first week and if it wasn't for her, I would've attemped again the following night. After a week, I got the courage and i called my mom and I told her about everything, I told her that I don't want her and dad bothering me with their religious beliefs anymore (im an exmuslim), I told them about my suicide attempt, I removed the hijab that day and told them I would no longer wear it. I ended up repeating my first year of med school, I went to therapy in the summer and it slightly helped. I was beginning to see light at the end of the tunnel and things are going quite well but I still feel empty. And I just want to know why didn't I die that day?? What was reason?? I knew the odds weren't in my favour when I first became suicidal but how did I survive? How did I manage to pull myself up while my legs were quite paralyzed? How did i slip from the chair and how did it not fall along with me?? I was just 1000% positive my plan would work. Why did I meet that girl who talked to me about hope??
I'm not actively suicidal now because my life has drastically changed over the last 6 months but I'm glad I didn't die that day because my family would have had closure because I didnt leave a suicide note.
Now, i simply wish for death, I dont think I can ever kill myself, I would never put my family through that shit (the day I told my mom about my suicide attempt she cried so hard, it tore me a part) I'm too sensitive for this life/world and I just hope I can die.
I'm not actively suicidal now because my life has drastically changed over the last 6 months but I'm glad I didn't die that day because my family would have had closure because I didnt leave a suicide note.
Now, i simply wish for death, I dont think I can ever kill myself, I would never put my family through that shit (the day I told my mom about my suicide attempt she cried so hard, it tore me a part) I'm too sensitive for this life/world and I just hope I can die.
I hope you can find what you're looking for soon.
