My suicidal thoughts have been the most intense they have ever been and I have no one turn to

[FireFox]

Right now I just want to overdose on all my sleeping pill tablets and my grandmothers Co-codamol pain killer medication which is very strong. Co-codamol is paracetamol and an opiod called codeine mixed together.

I am 26 and have been suicidal since the age 21. I really wanted to live believe me and tried my best to give myself a good life. They really are lying to us telling us life is worth living and that it is "beautiful". All throughout this entire year absolutely nothing has gone right for me month after month its one thing going wrong after another then another and there is no break in between even simple things have been going wrong too.

Despite everything I still kept fighting because I have always been a determined person who never gives up when things are hard. Getting accepted for a masters degree programme at one of the top universities in my country was the only good thing that has happened to me this year and when that got taken away from me I finally gave up on life. I was so ready to start my course then at the last minute unforeseen financial issues regarding tuition fees meant I couldn't start my course. I start my masters degree next year but I feel so far behind everyone else. My family and people say "it's only a year" nobody gets it. Everyone has something to show for their lives and I have absolutely nothing to show for my life. My entire life is a failure.

I see other women I grew up with getting married, having careers and serious relationships while I have nothing going for me. I am a loser. I lost all my confidence since getting fired earlier this year and I am absolutely terrified of working ever again. I have no man of my own-constantly unsuccessful with men, I know nothing about life and I am so sick and tired of everything wrong all the time. Last year I had the best year of my life and was finally happy for the first time then 2023 comes everything is now a mess. I feel stuck in this nightmare and trapped all the time. I would give absolutely anything to stay in 2022 permanently because I was really having the time of my life. I am never having those good times again I did at 25 in 2022.

I have nobody to turn to. NHS is inaccessible, can't afford private therapist and i can't even talk to my immediate family because they don't listen and always preaching bullshit everything happening for reason and telling me all this I am going through is "Gods plan." I can't go relatives for help. When I was younger I was so close to a relative who I used to tell everything and she was gossiping about me to the entire family and told everyone I wss crazy.

Life is a bullsh*t game and I am done playing. They are all f*cking scamming us telling us life is worth living.

 

[Sleeper System]

A year is a very long time to be dormant. People don't get it.
I can relate. I'm miserable every day.
Too afraid to take that final leap of suicide attempt. Point of no return.
Living only benifets the people in power in modern times. .
We're a product..

 

[Forever Sleep]

I can't tell you any of it will be worth it because I don't know your future or mine but for what it's worth- I'll share with you my story...

The first BA degree I did resulted in me working a part time job in retail (which I detested) while I tried desperately hard to freelance in my chosen creative job. I had very limited success and it all culminated in an interview I had with an agent who basically told me I wasn't good enough. It was true but devastating. This had been my whole life. Art was my coping mechanism from a young age and I put all of me into it.

Anyhow, after a very low period, I thought maybe I should retrain in a slightly different (still creative) subject. A friend of mine was doing a PHD and it inspired me. Maybe I just needed another focus to get me back in to being creative and maybe I'd have better luck in a slightly different field. I was 27 by this stage. I couldn't find an MA that really suited what I wanted. But I did find a BA. I was just short of applying that year though. I knew I'd have to wait. But then, our wonderful UK government decided to hike tuition fees up to £9k a year. I was floored and didn't know what to do. I did have inheritance money I could use but it was a massive investment. I decided it was still my best option though. I went full time in said horrible retail job to try and save as much as I could and waited the year out. I did the course and I've certainly had better luck in this field- still not great but- there we go- it's a dying industry. If yours is law, I expect you may well do better. I was 31 when I graduated second time around. My 30's were the better years of my life- to date. I don't regret spending all that money on the second degree. I kind of wish I'd done that degree first but- there we go. I went on tutors advise and they thought the initial course was in my best strength.

All I can say is- it might well be worth the wait. It may not of course- there's no way of knowing. Age seems terribly important when we are young. It changes a little as we grow older. I was pretty nervous at the thought of being a decade older than most of the people on that course but turns out- there were maybe 4 or 5 of us- all older. Life doesn't always follow a very straight path.

I do remember your posts about the firm you worked for and the guy you had feelings for. It may all feel worthless and I absolutely understand why it has made you so nervous about work in the future. But- I would say- you have learnt from all that. I remember you saying the people there weren't pleased you'd spoken out about certain things. Not nice lessons to learn but now you can see these places can have lots of office politics going on. It shouldn't be like this but maybe in the future, you'll be more guarded on what you say- before you find out how welcome input is. Plus- people will be vindictive and scapegoat and all sorts. Office romances- while hard to avoid sometimes can be problematic. All of it's horrible of course- but it's still learning.

It has to be up to you ultimately if there will be a next time but honestly- I don't think this delay dictates the rest of your life. If you feel able to- try and use the time. Maybe- build up savings in an undemanding job. Try and get ahead of the curve with studies in your subject.

I'm sorry you've had so much bad luck and it's stupid to say that that will be the end if it. You're likely to face other challenges in the future too. Still- it could just as easily go the other way. If last year was good- you may get elements of that back in the future. Most probably, it will be a mixed bag but- neither are inevitable. You may not be able to confide in your family. I think a lot of people feel like that to varying degrees but- we will listen here. Not the same I know- but something hopefully. I'm sorry you're in such a dark place.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

The NHS is a sick joke and not fit for purpose. I've personally given up on them now because it's like you say : it's basically inaccessible these days. And private therapists are con artists.
I don't bother telling my toxic family how I feel anymore because they are simply not interested.
For people like us, life is never easy while others just seem like to float through life and be successful, although I think all that " being successful in life " stuff is overated .
I'm sorry you are going through this, and you deserve better This sick game of life seems to be fixed against many of us here and the odds are against us.

 

[ropearoundatree]

I don't have much to add, other than I agree with Forever Sleep, in that, at the age of 23 I was just going to be starting my graduate degree at a health sciences university, but was a mere one-year behind all of my peers. I'd thought it was the end of the world! I felt like a failure despite having switched majors during the end of my Bachelor's. So I know how you feel now, and can relate. However, I will say that with a little time and experience, should you get there, you'll likely look back at this and feel as we do. So it's really all about perspective and that's the hard thing to change right now for you. You can't fast forward however many number of years in advance to see what we are talking about. Interestingly enough, I also found my 30's to be the easiest, most carefree and smooth sailing years of my life. By far superior to my 20's & the horrendous shit storms those imposed! My 40's haven't been great but there's reasons for that, and they don't have nearly as much to do with the ones that nearly wrecked and derailed me in my 20's. So I wish you nothing but the best from here going forward…