Venting My Suffering

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i think suicide should be allowed, & id advocate to someone in need of relief that if suicide is their best option then i support it. Legalize euthanasia so ppl stop having to use such brutal methods ffs. Yes i am suicidal 95% of my life. It terrified me to realize how my mind would react in certain deathly scenarios, & SI is to fearful to ctb. I have no respect for the mystical properties of the universe, or god. He has shown me nothing but wrath since i was born, gaslighted me into uncontrollable circumstances and blamed me for them. Tortured my mind for the 23 years of my existence, & overlooks my suffering in ruthless or sadistic modality. I dont see forgiveness anywhere, just half based perspectives on truth or justice because half wits dont know how to function for themselves. fucking hate god. I am a suffering machine, years of psychological gaslighting & torment creating conditional reactions i couldnt manage due to the severity of my mental health. I am an Existential Nihilist reflecting the perspective of Arthur Schopenhauer. I hate the Greeks perspective because its only utility is to gloss the conditions of our sadistic existence for preservation. Its not a pretty duality between nihilism and academic philosophy at all. Discovering the horror of our reality lead me to a very nihilistic approach on morality because of the hypocrisy of natural law. But id rather shut up and accept getting tossed around by the universe and all of its sadistic properties then to blindly accept moral nihilism as the ultimate reality, even if i honestly care not one bit. Its just the way my brain works now, think its because of the constant thinking, disrespect & torment that changed my perspective the most. I am a Dark Philosopher, Loner, Loser, Depressed, Chart Analyst & Mixing Engineer. Im just really tired of being alive & suffering. I worry about the significance of death into INSANITY. I don't cope with life really, im mostly just suffering lol. If everything accept my accomplishments changed, i would be happy.