Well my story is not particularly exciting.. I grown up in a normal family. With a loving mother, father and sibling I never care about. Living a normal life. My life story might had ended there. But it didnt..
I led a good life.. I have no regret at this point. My conscience is clear as I live my life as fair and just as I could. Despite all the pains and scars. The moment I met him my existence is complete. I can no longer... I dont want to live in a world where I cannot see him. Touch him or hear his voice. Those nicknames he gave me. I wish he will still call out to me at the very end.
I dont have much childhood. I started having sex with my cousin when I was 6 and he is 12. Around that time I dont have anyone else but him. Not friends in school. Not playmates. Everyone were mostly busy. Only him and my games.. So I am quite happy that someone wants me. Even though he was only using me.. I am satisfied.
So my childhood ended. Six years later he disappear from my life and I am alone again. So I bury myself in the games and from then on I no longer need anyone.
But this body he left behind. This lust that grow inside me. How can I ever hope to control it? I began to find people to satisfy it. At first making them feel good is enough. But as time goes on. I began to crave for more. What its like to be love.. yet all I had was this cold hollow lust. As each encounter left me emptier and emptier to the point I no longer need physical connection.
Then in highschool. For the first time I felt loneliness. The ever changing nature of man. In its complexity and simplicity. One moment your friend another your enemy. How can we ever trust such ever changing being is beyond me.. everyone is replaceable. Those relationships I had were just done out of convenient and mutual interest/benefits. How business like.. Only then I realised I never knew how to connect with anyone nor I can. I am but an outsider in this life. An observer that never had a place in this world.. I just dont understand human. All I can do is watch from behind the glass wall. Filled with resentment and rage.
Then college started and everything start to fall apart. The weight of my depression, anger and loneliness reached it peak and I am crushed. Unable to break free. Theres no escape.
I decided to erase my own emotions until nothing is left.. I stood before my darkness. I accepted my fate and cast away my desire. I stood at the peak of loneliness and I no longer feel anything.. devoid of desire, attachment and sentiment.. I thought thats the perfection I need. To rise above my weakness.. A painless and still life. An unchanging peaceful life by becoming a silent machine that simply move but never feel. Guided only by logic.. a perfectly tune clock. Ticking away its life in silence. Accepting all and letting everything go.
But one cannot erase emotions without erasing part of himself.
My life story might have ended there. but it didnt..
I thought I can continue to live like that. Then I started working I realised without a heart I cannot give people what they want. They demanding from me something I no longer possess.. I had no choice but to act for their sake. Their happiness and satisfaction.. As long as I am living. I had no choice but to conform.. forced to act and lie.. I find that life utterly pointless. Living, forced to do something we despise. Why should I put up with it? If this life wont allow me to exist as I choose to then the only logical conclusion is death.
So one day I decided before I kill myself. I will enjoy this life as much as I could. To experience as much as I can. Treat this life as my playground. Until I get bored of it. To hell with the rules and etiquette. This is my game now. I will be selfish for once. As people play with my heart so I will break all their masks and their lies. I wont hide anymore.
So I live my life in preparation for my death. Ignoring people. Repelling any that come too close. I tried having friends. But we are just too different. Theyre attracted to me only because of my mask. The person they think I am. Not who I really am. And those sweet lies they told me. How disgusting. Truly abhorrent.. Nothing good can come from lies. I only need to show them my true self and they will leave. It has always been that easy.
I dont expect much at all. People are still the same. World that will never change. So I am bored of life again. I tried to kill myself by butane gas. Quite effective I must say. Almost passed out, very peaceful if you can ignore the smell, your hands and legs going numb. As your head slowly go heavier, sleepier and dizzier..
My life should had ended right there. But it didnt.
I stopped at last minute. Because I am dissatisfied. I still havent found someone that love me. One thing I cannot get by myself. For it can only be given. Not long after that I met him.
If only I realised it earlier what he truly meant to me. The attraction I felt the first time I met him. I should have known that we are bound one way or the other.. At first all I want is to help him finish his university then kill myself after his graduation. I want to give him the choice and chance I never had. To keep him company, care for him and support him until he can stand on his own. Then my duty is over. I guess thats not really love.. But a selfish way to redeem myself. I believe he too will forget about me and move on. I thought I can continue to care for him until that day come and passed in peace. Knowing that he love me is enough. Well I thought its enough..
Then I started to fall in love with him. I dont know how to handle that. The love drove me mad with fear and distrust. I cannot stop myself from hurting him. Well the good thing is that he hurt me back. Snapping me out of it hahaha.. and because of that we got to know each other better... I dont like those days but we can never get this far without it. Even after knowing my secrets. He still care for me. Something no one has ever done and helping me easing my rage and resentment. Filling my emptiness with joy. He always try so hard to bear it all and smile at me. I really love him. Truly for the first time in my life I can say that.
The very first time I saw his sorrow.. I guess thats the moment I stopped being myself. The closer I am to him. More human I become. I only want to see him smile. That gentle and innocent smile. I gradually stopped thinking about death. I started to plan for future. Bliss I never thought possible. To think all that I went through were just to prepared me for him. Those pain and scars we bear shape us like puzzle pieces. Happiness is when you put the pieces together. I exist for his sake.
So came the day he is taken from me. The day I lost everything. even now I still don't think he is dead. Still feels like he will appear somewhere and call my name.. yet people around keep telling me to move on... Find new love. Think about my family and that sort of nonsense. The more I hear it. The more I am sure that they all are insane.. I wont let him go just so I can survive. I wont lie lie to myself either. Not to mention if they knew I am gay. They will immediately turn on me. Even my mother joke about how I supported him.. well it doesnt matter really. I never care nor love them. It makes no difference.. Seeing how they acted reassured me that not loving nor care for them is the right way. They simply not worth my time and effort. I wont become something like them. A cheap imitation of life. Nothing more than abomination.. I always thought I am the monster thats why I am so different from everyone. But in the end they're the monsters.. Ironic.. but also a bit consoling.
Its like a cruel joke played by fate by ending my dream of love. Of happiness and salvation. To remind me I can never escape my fate.. hahaha.. what a cruel joke indeed.. Even after he change me so much. I can never change this fate.. When you have seen the world in its purest form. Everything falls apart.. what a wretched world this is hehe..
I am already dead long before I met him. He gave me life. But now it's the time to end it all. I have found both my answers and purpose of life. What more can I ask for? and so this journey is about to end. At long last the curtain will fall on this deceitful farce.
Despite all that I am scared. Hahaha.. I have never been scared of death but now I tremble like a child.. What kind of sick joke is this? I truly hate it. I hate it all so much. Of this wretched world and of my own wretched self.. I wont live on and let myself become an abomination. I want to die while he can still recognize me..
So no he is not the only reason I want to die. I wont blame him for my death. I choose it out of my own free will.
Thank you for reading it all. I dont need to be remembered. I just want to tell my story. Its nice to be able to tell it like this. As honestly as I could for once.
I led a good life.. I have no regret at this point. My conscience is clear as I live my life as fair and just as I could. Despite all the pains and scars. The moment I met him my existence is complete. I can no longer... I dont want to live in a world where I cannot see him. Touch him or hear his voice. Those nicknames he gave me. I wish he will still call out to me at the very end.
I dont have much childhood. I started having sex with my cousin when I was 6 and he is 12. Around that time I dont have anyone else but him. Not friends in school. Not playmates. Everyone were mostly busy. Only him and my games.. So I am quite happy that someone wants me. Even though he was only using me.. I am satisfied.
So my childhood ended. Six years later he disappear from my life and I am alone again. So I bury myself in the games and from then on I no longer need anyone.
But this body he left behind. This lust that grow inside me. How can I ever hope to control it? I began to find people to satisfy it. At first making them feel good is enough. But as time goes on. I began to crave for more. What its like to be love.. yet all I had was this cold hollow lust. As each encounter left me emptier and emptier to the point I no longer need physical connection.
Then in highschool. For the first time I felt loneliness. The ever changing nature of man. In its complexity and simplicity. One moment your friend another your enemy. How can we ever trust such ever changing being is beyond me.. everyone is replaceable. Those relationships I had were just done out of convenient and mutual interest/benefits. How business like.. Only then I realised I never knew how to connect with anyone nor I can. I am but an outsider in this life. An observer that never had a place in this world.. I just dont understand human. All I can do is watch from behind the glass wall. Filled with resentment and rage.
Then college started and everything start to fall apart. The weight of my depression, anger and loneliness reached it peak and I am crushed. Unable to break free. Theres no escape.
I decided to erase my own emotions until nothing is left.. I stood before my darkness. I accepted my fate and cast away my desire. I stood at the peak of loneliness and I no longer feel anything.. devoid of desire, attachment and sentiment.. I thought thats the perfection I need. To rise above my weakness.. A painless and still life. An unchanging peaceful life by becoming a silent machine that simply move but never feel. Guided only by logic.. a perfectly tune clock. Ticking away its life in silence. Accepting all and letting everything go.
But one cannot erase emotions without erasing part of himself.
My life story might have ended there. but it didnt..
I thought I can continue to live like that. Then I started working I realised without a heart I cannot give people what they want. They demanding from me something I no longer possess.. I had no choice but to act for their sake. Their happiness and satisfaction.. As long as I am living. I had no choice but to conform.. forced to act and lie.. I find that life utterly pointless. Living, forced to do something we despise. Why should I put up with it? If this life wont allow me to exist as I choose to then the only logical conclusion is death.
So one day I decided before I kill myself. I will enjoy this life as much as I could. To experience as much as I can. Treat this life as my playground. Until I get bored of it. To hell with the rules and etiquette. This is my game now. I will be selfish for once. As people play with my heart so I will break all their masks and their lies. I wont hide anymore.
So I live my life in preparation for my death. Ignoring people. Repelling any that come too close. I tried having friends. But we are just too different. Theyre attracted to me only because of my mask. The person they think I am. Not who I really am. And those sweet lies they told me. How disgusting. Truly abhorrent.. Nothing good can come from lies. I only need to show them my true self and they will leave. It has always been that easy.
I dont expect much at all. People are still the same. World that will never change. So I am bored of life again. I tried to kill myself by butane gas. Quite effective I must say. Almost passed out, very peaceful if you can ignore the smell, your hands and legs going numb. As your head slowly go heavier, sleepier and dizzier..
My life should had ended right there. But it didnt.
I stopped at last minute. Because I am dissatisfied. I still havent found someone that love me. One thing I cannot get by myself. For it can only be given. Not long after that I met him.
If only I realised it earlier what he truly meant to me. The attraction I felt the first time I met him. I should have known that we are bound one way or the other.. At first all I want is to help him finish his university then kill myself after his graduation. I want to give him the choice and chance I never had. To keep him company, care for him and support him until he can stand on his own. Then my duty is over. I guess thats not really love.. But a selfish way to redeem myself. I believe he too will forget about me and move on. I thought I can continue to care for him until that day come and passed in peace. Knowing that he love me is enough. Well I thought its enough..
Then I started to fall in love with him. I dont know how to handle that. The love drove me mad with fear and distrust. I cannot stop myself from hurting him. Well the good thing is that he hurt me back. Snapping me out of it hahaha.. and because of that we got to know each other better... I dont like those days but we can never get this far without it. Even after knowing my secrets. He still care for me. Something no one has ever done and helping me easing my rage and resentment. Filling my emptiness with joy. He always try so hard to bear it all and smile at me. I really love him. Truly for the first time in my life I can say that.
The very first time I saw his sorrow.. I guess thats the moment I stopped being myself. The closer I am to him. More human I become. I only want to see him smile. That gentle and innocent smile. I gradually stopped thinking about death. I started to plan for future. Bliss I never thought possible. To think all that I went through were just to prepared me for him. Those pain and scars we bear shape us like puzzle pieces. Happiness is when you put the pieces together. I exist for his sake.
So came the day he is taken from me. The day I lost everything. even now I still don't think he is dead. Still feels like he will appear somewhere and call my name.. yet people around keep telling me to move on... Find new love. Think about my family and that sort of nonsense. The more I hear it. The more I am sure that they all are insane.. I wont let him go just so I can survive. I wont lie lie to myself either. Not to mention if they knew I am gay. They will immediately turn on me. Even my mother joke about how I supported him.. well it doesnt matter really. I never care nor love them. It makes no difference.. Seeing how they acted reassured me that not loving nor care for them is the right way. They simply not worth my time and effort. I wont become something like them. A cheap imitation of life. Nothing more than abomination.. I always thought I am the monster thats why I am so different from everyone. But in the end they're the monsters.. Ironic.. but also a bit consoling.
Its like a cruel joke played by fate by ending my dream of love. Of happiness and salvation. To remind me I can never escape my fate.. hahaha.. what a cruel joke indeed.. Even after he change me so much. I can never change this fate.. When you have seen the world in its purest form. Everything falls apart.. what a wretched world this is hehe..
I am already dead long before I met him. He gave me life. But now it's the time to end it all. I have found both my answers and purpose of life. What more can I ask for? and so this journey is about to end. At long last the curtain will fall on this deceitful farce.
Despite all that I am scared. Hahaha.. I have never been scared of death but now I tremble like a child.. What kind of sick joke is this? I truly hate it. I hate it all so much. Of this wretched world and of my own wretched self.. I wont live on and let myself become an abomination. I want to die while he can still recognize me..
So no he is not the only reason I want to die. I wont blame him for my death. I choose it out of my own free will.
Thank you for reading it all. I dont need to be remembered. I just want to tell my story. Its nice to be able to tell it like this. As honestly as I could for once.
