Jan 29, 2020
There are so many people who find themselves here on this forum because of unfair life circumstances and unlucky genes--good people who are using what energy they have left to offer hope and support and understanding to others. I'm not one of them. I'm sorry... for so many things, and right now I'm sorry for taking up space here with a self-indulgent, self-pitying rant. I tried so hard to keep this all to myself, but I so desperately want somebody to hear and understand my side of the story... some kind of desperation for feeling heard and seen in whatever time I have left.

About two years ago, I withheld information from my wife about our family being in bad shape financially. I genuinely thought I was doing a good thing and protecting her during a time when she was in bad shape because of her own demons; she felt like it was a deep breach of trust and that it was hurtful and desuctive to lie and withhold information. She's completely right. During that period, I was involuntarily admitted to the hospital for four days after trying to wrap my car around a tree--trying to run away instead of face the music, I guess. My wife said I was being selfish by going to the hospital and refused to visit or call while I was there. I have a lot of hurt about this, even though I'm sure it's justifiable and I'm not seeing her side of the story.

Since they upped my dose of Paxil at the hospital and I switched to twice-weekly therapy, my wife has been been vocal about not wanting me to be on Paxil and has been less-than-enthusiastic about twice-weekly therapy. Her issues have been the cost and sexual side effects of Paxil, the cost of therapy, and not liking that my therapist is a woman around my age. I'm just feeling hurt that my health doesn't feel like an important priority, and I know it's selfish just to think about it from my perspective. I stopped therapy over the summer when our insurance deductible reset, and I started seeing a psychiatrist to try to get off Paxil (my withdrawal symptoms have been intolerable in the past, although I know it's selfish not to just weather them since she wants me off Paxil that badly).

My wife and I had a big fight about medication last week, right before I saw my psychiatrist. She felt like I wasn't taking her concerns about side effects and long-term risks like dementia seriously and, instead, being selfish by just doing whatever I wanted. She was angry that one of the meds my psychiatrist prescribed was very expensive without using GoodRX (which I did, and it cost about $15). I was still feeling hurt by how she reacted when I was in the hospital and feeling like my mental health isn't treated with the same importance that hers is. I'm sure I'm not being fair to her by not seeing where she's coming from because of my own self-pity. When I saw the psychiatrist the next day, I broke down and said that I felt like my wife wasn't supportive of me being on medication or in therapy and that I just wanted to be off all my medication so there was no more conflict. I don't know if this is true or not, but I probably I exaggerated or was especially self-pitying.

My psychiatrist wanted to see my wife and me together shortly after our appointment last week to tell her about how it was important for me to stay on meds and start therapy again. I thought it was going to be an opportunity for my wife to feel like her concerns about Paxil would really be heard. The entire conversation was an absolute disaster. The psychiatrist was very hostile with my wife without hearing her side of the story, my wife felt like I set her up. She felt like I made up information about her, and this was a way of lashing out at her. She said everything I told my psychiatrist and therapist about her was dishonest. She feels betrayed. She's probably right, and she said her therapist believes I was trying to hurt her. But I also know that she's been dishonest with her therapist and left her in the dark about things (she's admitted to it), so it's possible he doesn't know the full context.

While all of this has been going on, we're still waiting for my former employer (I started a new job three weeks ago) to send me my last paycheck. She's justifiably hesitant to trust me that I emailed them multiple times asking them when I'd receive it and they didn't respond (it's true). She blew up at me last night about not receiving the paycheck yet and said she's convinced I either got the money and squandered it (I didn't) or they contacted me to say I wasn't entitled to the money and am hiding that (that's not the case). Given our history, she's 100% justified in being suspicious and angry. Now we're not really speaking. She's justified in being so upset given our history.

I don't know what to believe anymore other than the fact that what I'm experiencing and thinking and feeling are wrong and unfair to her. This forum may be the only place where people understand this feeling of not even knowing what's true other than that you're just wrong and selfish. I know that I never lied to my therapist. My therapist thought my wife was abusive. But did I exaggerate? I honestly don't know. Is my feeling that my wife wants me off of meds and my mental health boils down to dollars and cents to her wrong? Did I really misrepresent her to my psychiatrist? I honestly don't know; I guess I must have. The only truth I can anchor myself to is that anything I think and feel could very well be wrong, and that I'm hurting her and the kids. I'm not diagnosed with a psychotic disorder, but the feedback I'm getting is that I'm not in touch with reality or perceiving anything accurately and it's beyond terrifying. Meanwhile, I just started my dream job as a software engineer, but I'm so underqualified and overwhelmed, and it just feels impossible for me to do meetings and work right now.

I don't see a viable way out of this, and I know every second I'm here I'm just doing more damage to my wife and the kids and wasting more and more of my employer's money. I hate myself more than I can ever possibly express for hurting my wife and making the mistakes I did, and I can't tolerate the realization that I'm not the good person I thought I was. I don't see how I can't ctb, but I know that doing so would itself be selfish. There is truly no good option. I didn't choose to be alive, but I can choose to end others' suffering.

I'm sorry this was so long. I'm sorry.