lost guy
Just a guy trying to work things out.
- Aug 12, 2020
- 94
Hi, all.
I have been dealing with anxiety pretty much my entire life. I am 40, so that is indeed a long time to be suffering. I have never sought any type of therapy, but I was on Celexa and Lexapro for about 5 years in my early 20s.
My anxiety has gotten in the way of my life tremendously. It has put a burden on my career and other job opportunities. It has also sabotaged my 11year relationship with a with a woman that I deeply love to the point in which she left me this past mid January.
She left me because my anxiety kept me from marrying her. I must admit, I always wanted to marry her, but for whatever reason, the thought of the actual wedding created fear and anxiety for me. I know I was overthinking it.
No that she is gone, I have spent many months pretty much isolated and lonely. For whatever reason, I cannot accept the fact that we aren't together anymore.
Rewind about 2 years ago, I started to notice that she was detaching from me. As a result, I made it a point to try and grow closer to her to fill the void. I went out and bought a $4,000 ring and proposed to her. She said "no." I was devastated, but I understood.
I spent the next several months trying to find another opportunity to pop the question. My anxiety and previous rejection imposed heavy doubt. IN August of 2019, we went on a weekend getaway to our favorite spot in Taos, NM. It was a great trip and I realized that this was a perfect opportunity to pop the question. It was, perhaps, planned as I brought the ring with me on the trip.
After dinner one night, I asked her to marry me and this time she said, "yes." I was elated! I felt as if a huge amount of weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
We drove back home on that Sunday. I was super proud and she seemed to be to. She broke the news to all of her family and friends and was happy to show off the beautiful ring. She even made posts about it on her social media accounts. She seemed like she was finally happy.
After about 2 weeks I started to notice her detaching again. I would ask her if anything was bothering her and let her know that I noticed something was off. She would say that nothing is bothering her and that everything was fine. This went on for a couple of weeks. Finally, I made it a point to sit us down and have a serious conversation about the matter. She the revealed to me that she wasn't happy. She took the ring off and never wore it again.
We stayed together for a few more months after that. I was diligently doing everything in my power to make her happy and salvage whatever relationship we had left. But, she kept slipping further away. She stopped telling me that she loved me, she was distant with me. As you can imagine, this hurt me pretty bad. But, I kept my head high in hopes that she would eventually come back around.
Like I mentioned, she eventually left me in January of 2020. I have been miserable ever since and cannot seem to shake it. This paired with my life long battle with anxiety has introduced me to the thoughts of suicide. I never had suicidal thoughts until this happened. But I a certain, that it will finally bring me peace and comfort.
Of course, I am scared. I have not attempted suicide yet; I am in the process of trying to find the perfect method.
I have a 9mm semi-automatic handgun with hollow point rounds, but feel that would be a horrible way to go. I also have a pistol grip 12 gauge shotgun, but much like the pistol, that would be very messy and I am not sure that I could muster up the courage to pull the trigger.
This leads me to believe that the best method for me would be hanging. I have yet to buy a rope or look for a good anchor point. I am still in the process of determining if that is right for me.
Ideally, I wish that someone would just kill me or I die by accident. It also would be nice to go out like Michael Jackson in my sleep. But I have no access to such drugs and would not be willing to risk getting them on the DW.
My financial situation is not good, I have enough money to cover about 1 more month's rent. So my date for CTB would be approximately 5 weeks from now.
I have been dealing with anxiety pretty much my entire life. I am 40, so that is indeed a long time to be suffering. I have never sought any type of therapy, but I was on Celexa and Lexapro for about 5 years in my early 20s.
My anxiety has gotten in the way of my life tremendously. It has put a burden on my career and other job opportunities. It has also sabotaged my 11year relationship with a with a woman that I deeply love to the point in which she left me this past mid January.
She left me because my anxiety kept me from marrying her. I must admit, I always wanted to marry her, but for whatever reason, the thought of the actual wedding created fear and anxiety for me. I know I was overthinking it.
No that she is gone, I have spent many months pretty much isolated and lonely. For whatever reason, I cannot accept the fact that we aren't together anymore.
Rewind about 2 years ago, I started to notice that she was detaching from me. As a result, I made it a point to try and grow closer to her to fill the void. I went out and bought a $4,000 ring and proposed to her. She said "no." I was devastated, but I understood.
I spent the next several months trying to find another opportunity to pop the question. My anxiety and previous rejection imposed heavy doubt. IN August of 2019, we went on a weekend getaway to our favorite spot in Taos, NM. It was a great trip and I realized that this was a perfect opportunity to pop the question. It was, perhaps, planned as I brought the ring with me on the trip.
After dinner one night, I asked her to marry me and this time she said, "yes." I was elated! I felt as if a huge amount of weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
We drove back home on that Sunday. I was super proud and she seemed to be to. She broke the news to all of her family and friends and was happy to show off the beautiful ring. She even made posts about it on her social media accounts. She seemed like she was finally happy.
After about 2 weeks I started to notice her detaching again. I would ask her if anything was bothering her and let her know that I noticed something was off. She would say that nothing is bothering her and that everything was fine. This went on for a couple of weeks. Finally, I made it a point to sit us down and have a serious conversation about the matter. She the revealed to me that she wasn't happy. She took the ring off and never wore it again.
We stayed together for a few more months after that. I was diligently doing everything in my power to make her happy and salvage whatever relationship we had left. But, she kept slipping further away. She stopped telling me that she loved me, she was distant with me. As you can imagine, this hurt me pretty bad. But, I kept my head high in hopes that she would eventually come back around.
Like I mentioned, she eventually left me in January of 2020. I have been miserable ever since and cannot seem to shake it. This paired with my life long battle with anxiety has introduced me to the thoughts of suicide. I never had suicidal thoughts until this happened. But I a certain, that it will finally bring me peace and comfort.
Of course, I am scared. I have not attempted suicide yet; I am in the process of trying to find the perfect method.
I have a 9mm semi-automatic handgun with hollow point rounds, but feel that would be a horrible way to go. I also have a pistol grip 12 gauge shotgun, but much like the pistol, that would be very messy and I am not sure that I could muster up the courage to pull the trigger.
This leads me to believe that the best method for me would be hanging. I have yet to buy a rope or look for a good anchor point. I am still in the process of determining if that is right for me.
Ideally, I wish that someone would just kill me or I die by accident. It also would be nice to go out like Michael Jackson in my sleep. But I have no access to such drugs and would not be willing to risk getting them on the DW.
My financial situation is not good, I have enough money to cover about 1 more month's rent. So my date for CTB would be approximately 5 weeks from now.
