Story My story

[RestingGirl23]

Hi everyone. I am a new user here. Wanted to talk a bit about myself and how I feel at the moment.

I had a relatively nice childhood. Loving parents, went to a good school, was a very happy kid. Something changed within me for some reason (don't know if it was puberty or something) that I became shy and reticent. From then on, I had less friends but was still good mentally. As I started getting older and started getting into high school I had little to no friends. I never talked much during class but I didn't have problems carrying on a conversation. For some reason, I thought people disliked me cause I wasn't pretty and so decided to get into a diet and eventually became anorexic. I graduated high school and went to a college far away from where I live because I hated the thought of going to college with the same people from my high school. Immediately disliked it and only finished a semester before coming back to live with my parents. I grew very depressed because I threw such a big deal about leaving and ended coming back with my tail between my legs. My weight quickly rebound and I came back to my original weight.

I decided to start over in my town's college and was very happy to start studying again. It was around my junior year in college that I grew worried about finding a job and decided to join a club to make my resume look better. I applied to so many jobs and grew depressed that I got rejected by many and a lot of my friends were getting offers from big companies. I am a very competitive person, so I was very ashamed that I was the only one who didn't have an internship with a big company or a sure job offer from having interning with a company throughout my college life. Coming down to present day, I am currently a senior about to graduate this December. I have an internship position coming this January but I'm not excited about it at all. I feel like I'm going through the motions of what everyone is expecting. I have been feeling so dead inside that I don't care about going to class or completing assignments.

To be honest, I feel very stupid as I'm writing this. I have read some threads where people have been going through abuse most of their life, have mental health problems, have real painful issues going on. My problems seem very tame to this. But I simply cannot help feeling this way. There is some days where I'm relatively fine and days where I feel like taking SN that same day. I just don't care about living another day. Or more like I don't want to deal with anything. I don't want to deal with comparing myself anymore, or dealing with who I am as a person. I feel so ugly and so unneeded by anyone in my life. I feel like there's no point to my existence. I feel like if I wasn't born as myself I could of been a happier person, someone who is well-liked, who has strong connections with their friends and family.

My family never asks for me when we have family get-togethers. They always preferred my brother who was always charming and charismatic. I am not really close with them since we have different tastes and were also at a different stage in our lives. (Most of them are married with kids) My parents are nice folks but they are busy with their own issues. I also feel stupid because in college its all about showing off what big company you got an offer from and everyone has their head up their ass with that. I have superficial relationships with these people thus I always feel alone because I don't have real friends that like me for who I am. I feel that it boils down to that. I don't have anyone that sees me or likes me as a person. Its always about what I have to offer in a relationship. I guess I realize that and don't want to continue living like like this and hope that when I CTB i can be reborn into someone who is truly loved.

 

[Essence]

Never feel that your situation is less than others. It's all relative. This is one thing I have come to realize over the years. I used to always be told things like ( and still am ) ' there are people worse off than you!' or ' be thankful for what you have!'. Meh. Listen, 'one mans rubbish is another mans gold'. There IS no right/wrong, there is absolutely no need to justify your feelings and experiences by feeling they are 'less'. We are how we are, we feel how we feel, regardless what happens or has happened to us. Make no apology for the pain your in @RestingGirl23. We are all here to help and support each other. I am sorry you are feeling this way. You are loved! You just haven't found the ones that will hold you dear to them, yet. But you will

 

[MisanthropicLycan]

I am sorry you feel so alone and consumed by sadness. I can relate to your isolation and loneliness. I feel totally disconnected from my family because of my mental illnesses...I have a few close friends but I can't relate to them since they are healthy and independent functioning adults that are married to beautiful wives, have cute children and strong careers. They have their shit all figured out and I am a nihilistic and suicidal pessimist drowning in self-loathing. They could never understand and I don't want to be a burden or a downer. Having to bear all of this solitary suffering in silence is enough to make anyone lose their sanity and go mad. Hopefully you and I can find a close friend soon who understands our pain and can empathize with our suffering. I think that would lighten the dreadful burden on our shoulders. I hope you feel better soon and I wish you the best.

 

[lymbo]

fryend, you really should not be here, as you sayd here are people who really suffer, cronyc paynfull ylnesses and other nasty stuff, l thynk u need a good therapyst and maybe some medycatyon for depressyon and you wyll be good