My story

[deadspace]

So I've lived a rough life, some through choices I've made but most has been from the poor decisions of others that had an affect on my life and giving me no good choices.

Growing up I was emotionally abused at home bullied at school and eventually placed in solitude both at school and at home.

My parents had a habit of throwing me out of the house, then calling the cops and reporting me as a runaway. They also enjoyed sitting me in a corner from the time I got home from school till it was time for bed. I've always been the bad guy.

These actions against me caused some serious problems for me as a young adult. I ended up in an abusive relationship, where I simply shut down for most of the 15 years we were together. Then she did something that repulsed me beyond anything. I won't say what she did, but I will say many people have died behind bars after they were convicted of this crime.

This caused me to spiral hard, while I divorced her I developed some serious self sabotaging behavior. This spiral lasted about 4 years. It ended with me in a coma because I was unwilling drugged and left for dead on some train tracks, where I was hit by a train.

This incident put me in the hospital for a couple months, and ended with me moving back in with one of my parents. I struggled for several years with some very strong emotions of feeling worthless and very deep depression.

Then, just as I got to a point where I was finally finding my way, through a business I started and enjoyed doing, I was again blindsided with being asked to leave. When I did they called the cops and this time told them I took a bunch of drugs and walked off.

While technically they were not lying as I did take my prescriptions with me they left out the fact that I didn't actually swallow the drugs and let the police believe I was suicidal. So there were search parties looking for me and an absolute shit show. This caused my childhood traumas to resurface, but they convinced me to just come back.

The next day I kept to myself, got up in the morning went and got my coffee and went straight back to my room. I didn't even get half the coffee down before I was getting screamed at and told to get out again.

This is when I said if you want me out evict me. I'm guessing this was a mistake also. At about 6 that night the police show up and inform me they are there because someone filled out a 302.

Get to the hospital and they gave me a choice, go in for 72 hours or be forced in for 7 days. So I go in for 72 hours.

While I was in the hospital these fucking people destroyed and disappeared 12000 worth of my equipment and also killed my cat. So I used what little money I had to buy a plane ticket to the only place that has ever been on my bucket list and went to a safe place for the week and a half before my flight.

Now I've been in this place for a few days and I am in a position (I know I placed myself there) where I'm about out of money and even though I've already found a job I'm still going to be homeless for months.

I'm too old and in too much pain to live like this anymore. The only thing in my favor is that the place I'm at there are only two options, make it, or die when winter hits.

Tbh right now I just want to die.

Anyway sorry I just needed to vent some. Maybe someone here will remember me when I eventually fail.

I'd happily take any advice for a less painful way to go rather than hypothermia and I would even welcome advice to help me live. At this point I'm just looking at all my options

 

[mark404]

If you have not done so already, I recommend visiting the resource compilation megathread on this site. It has information on many methods.
Below is a summary of what I think are the 3 most painless and reliable methods of death that are discussed in a book called the peaceful pill essentials handbook, which is also linked in the resource compilation megathread. All 3 of these methods require some amount of money though, to purchase the necessary supplies.

Carbon Monoxide:
A pretty peaceful and reliable method, and ingredients are easy to obtain. The peacefulness score is also 1 point higher than sodium nitrite in the handbook. The handbook recommends obtaining carbon monoxide by mixing formic and sulfuric acid, the two of which can be bought online pretty easily. On one site, the acids are around $100 total for a good supply of both.
The downside to this method is its danger. Both chemicals are toxic and require careful handling with protection equipment (gloves, etc.). Carbon monoxide is also a pretty toxic gas which can harm other people, e.g. first responders and bystanders. As such, the handbook recommends placing warning signs to alert first responders of the presence of carbon monoxide.

DDAMPh drug mix:
The most peaceful and reliable method, but the drugs are hardest to obtain out of all the methods.
The letters in the name stand for the drugs Digoxin, Diazepam, Amitriptyline, Morphine, and Phenobarb.

Sodium Nitrite:
Pretty peaceful and reliable method, but may cause possibly unpleasant symptoms (I think tachycardia) and takes some effort to obtain ingredients at least in the US. Although it's not as difficult to source as DDAMPh. It is also a method preferred by a significant portion of members on this site.
Metoclopramide (or another anti-emetic) is prescription controlled in the US, so you would have to either lie to a doctor or obtain through illegal means in order to get it. Even the main ingredient sodium nitrite is facing increased restriction (suppliers asking for company ID or something). Benzos can help make the death more painless, but are similarly hard to source.

Right now, I'm leaning towards using carbon monoxide because the ingredients are easy to obtain. If a generator is properly used, consciousness is apparently lost in about 1 - 2 minutes and death follows soon after. What's blocking me right now is obtaining materials and making the generator, making sure my loved ones will not be impacted by my death, and deciding where I should die. I need a place where I can be comfortable, won't be interrupted during my attempt and ideally won't harm other people with the gas. If you don't care about harming other people with the CO gas, then CO could be a great method to go with.

This is just what I believe right now based on the information I have read so far. I might be inaccurate on some points and I recommend doing your own research. There may also be other methods that I haven't considered, like guns or falling from a high place.

 

[game]

If you have not done so already, I recommend visiting the resource compilation megathread on this site. It has information on many methods.
Below is a summary of what I think are the 3 most painless and reliable methods of death that are discussed in a book called the peaceful pill essentials handbook, which is also linked in the resource compilation megathread. All 3 of these methods require some amount of money though, to purchase the necessary supplies.

Carbon Monoxide:
A pretty peaceful and reliable method, and ingredients are easy to obtain. The peacefulness score is also 1 point higher than sodium nitrite in the handbook. The handbook recommends obtaining carbon monoxide by mixing formic and sulfuric acid, the two of which can be bought online pretty easily. On one site, the acids are around $100 total for a good supply of both.
The downside to this method is its danger. Both chemicals are toxic and require careful handling with protection equipment (gloves, etc.). Carbon monoxide is also a pretty toxic gas which can harm other people, e.g. first responders and bystanders. As such, the handbook recommends placing warning signs to alert first responders of the presence of carbon monoxide.

DDAMPh drug mix:
The most peaceful and reliable method, but the drugs are hardest to obtain out of all the methods.
The letters in the name stand for the drugs Digoxin, Diazepam, Amitriptyline, Morphine, and Phenobarb.

Sodium Nitrite:
Pretty peaceful and reliable method, but may cause possibly unpleasant symptoms (I think tachycardia) and takes some effort to obtain ingredients at least in the US. Although it's not as difficult to source as DDAMPh. It is also a method preferred by a significant portion of members on this site.
Metoclopramide (or another anti-emetic) is prescription controlled in the US, so you would have to either lie to a doctor or obtain through illegal means in order to get it. Even the main ingredient sodium nitrite is facing increased restriction (suppliers asking for company ID or something). Benzos can help make the death more painless, but are similarly hard to source.

Right now, I'm leaning towards using carbon monoxide because the ingredients are easy to obtain. If a generator is properly used, consciousness is apparently lost in about 1 - 2 minutes and death follows soon after. What's blocking me right now is obtaining materials and making the generator, making sure my loved ones will not be impacted by my death, and deciding where I should die. I need a place where I can be comfortable, won't be interrupted during my attempt and ideally won't harm other people with the gas. If you don't care about harming other people with the CO gas, then CO could be a great method to go with.

This is just what I believe right now based on the information I have read so far. I might be inaccurate on some points and I recommend doing your own research. There may also be other methods that I haven't considered, like guns or falling from a high place.

I have tried hard for a while but I'm unable to find these two things:
1. Resource compilation megathread
2. Handbook link to get the document or to buy it.

Can somebody please help me and point me to them? I'll bookmark them. Sorry for the trouble.

 

[mark404]

This is the link to the resource compilation megathread.

Suicide Resource Compilation

All the links to threads, videos, audio, downloads, and information found here are being made available only for educational purposes, and have been shared by users; we cannot assure the accuracy of the data. This means the way you use this data is fully your responsibility, that you need to...

sanctioned-suicide.net

The handbook link should also be there.

You can manually locate this page by going to the main suicide discussion page:

Suicide Discussion

Share with the community any thoughts or feelings you may have regarding suicide and ask questions you can't ask anywhere else.

sanctioned-suicide.net

and then looking for the resource compilation thread in the list of sticky threads at the top of the page. The sticky threads section also contains other helpful threads too.

If you are new to this site, I would recommend reading the sticky threads at the top of the page linked below as well. They contain things like rules and advice for new members:

News & Announcements

Stay up-to-date with the latest news and announcements on new developments here. Be informed and stay connected with our community.

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[deadspace]

Good stuff thank you!

 

[indefinitesleep]

you had a really tough life brother fair play for surviving as long as you did, hope your situation turns around for you from the bottom of my heart

 

[deadspace]

you had a really tough life brother fair play for surviving as long as you did, hope your situation turns around for you from the bottom of my heart

Thank you and I'm still holding out hope just trying to make a plan that's better than freezing to death as I don't think that will be a very nice way to go tbh.