Venting My story

[ahhhhhhh]

I've lurked around this website for a while some months ago and now am back. I've dealt with depression since I was in middle school. I've been to mental hospitals over 4 times for suicide attempts. It all started to get a bit better around the time I was 16+, I started converting to Catholicism and now am a devout Catholic. I really do love God and the church but my despair runs so deep right now in my life. I'm so conflicted because I have so much good and so much love in my life right now but I can't seem to be happy. It's like nothing is ever enough. Im getting married in a few months, I have a sweet 4 month old baby, and a loving fiance. i dont have to work and get to stay home and take care of my baby. I wanted nothing more than to have this life. Now that I do I'm happy but it feels like everything is getting worse somehow? It's making me go crazy. I love my life but I also am so suicidal. I think it's mostly self hatred. I want to be perfect, I don't want my child to be without a mother. But I also don't want him to deal with me being explosive. I feel like if I kill myself early on he won't have to deal with me later and it won't be an issue because he won't remember me. But I also don't want to leave him with a scar nonetheless. I love my baby to bits him, my little family, and God. Is the only thing keeping me from suicide by a small thread. I was suicidal when I was pregnant too but I couldn't morally do it with knowing I'd kill my baby if I killed myself. I'm in the same place, I feel stuck because I don't feel I can get better and I'm progressively getting worse with my explosiveness and suicidal ideation lately. But I also can't kill my self due to my love for others and also my fear of the afterlife if I do. I think had PPD or something. But I'm not sure what can be done anyways even if I go to therapy or get on meds. I can't even take meds because I'm breastfeeding. I love my baby, I love being a mom, my life is good. I just can't seem to be happy. I think I'm just under a lot of stress and don't want to actually die. I just am used to suicide being my default when I'm struggling because of when I was younger and dealing with abuse. I'm not good at dealing with stress and the affects I feel I'm having and will keep having on others makes me feel it would be better if I was just gone. I'm very sleep deprived too which doesn't help. Even though I don't have to go to work I'm sleep deprived and have a Velcro baby (can't put him down for more than 20min) l. When my baby smiles at me I'm so happy and full of love. He's so sweet and loves me so much already. But I hate myself so much and am juggling the stress of taking care of a baby and the fear of my actions affecting him later in life. I grew up with an abusive mom and in no way have I ever hurt or yelled at my baby. But sometimes I get so frustrated and just cry. And I'm just scared of traumatizing him or something. I don't want to repeat the cycle. But I feel so weak in that I will traumatize him in some way with my suicidal tendencies. Even if I don't kill myself. Aughhh my brain is a mess. anyways I just needed to vent hopefully without any judgement. I do vent to friends sometimes but it's nice to be able to anon vent to others about all this.

 

[MarkSmith73]

I've lurked around this website for a while some months ago and now am back. I've dealt with depression since I was in middle school. I've been to mental hospitals over 4 times for suicide attempts. It all started to get a bit better around the time I was 16+, I started converting to Catholicism and now am a devout Catholic. I really do love God and the church but my despair runs so deep right now in my life. I'm so conflicted because I have so much good and so much love in my life right now but I can't seem to be happy. It's like nothing is ever enough. Im getting married in a few months, I have a sweet 4 month old baby, and a loving fiance. i dont have to work and get to stay home and take care of my baby. I wanted nothing more than to have this life. Now that I do I'm happy but it feels like everything is getting worse somehow? It's making me go crazy. I love my life but I also am so suicidal. I think it's mostly self hatred. I want to be perfect, I don't want my child to be without a mother. But I also don't want him to deal with me being explosive. I feel like if I kill myself early on he won't have to deal with me later and it won't be an issue because he won't remember me. But I also don't want to leave him with a scar nonetheless. I love my baby to bits him, my little family, and God. Is the only thing keeping me from suicide by a small thread. I was suicidal when I was pregnant too but I couldn't morally do it with knowing I'd kill my baby if I killed myself. I'm in the same place, I feel stuck because I don't feel I can get better and I'm progressively getting worse with my explosiveness and suicidal ideation lately. But I also can't kill my self due to my love for others and also my fear of the afterlife if I do. I think had PPD or something. But I'm not sure what can be done anyways even if I go to therapy or get on meds. I can't even take meds because I'm breastfeeding. I love my baby, I love being a mom, my life is good. I just can't seem to be happy. I think I'm just under a lot of stress and don't want to actually die. I just am used to suicide being my default when I'm struggling because of when I was younger and dealing with abuse. I'm not good at dealing with stress and the affects I feel I'm having and will keep having on others makes me feel it would be better if I was just gone. I'm very sleep deprived too which doesn't help. Even though I don't have to go to work I'm sleep deprived and have a Velcro baby (can't put him down for more than 20min) l. When my baby smiles at me I'm so happy and full of love. He's so sweet and loves me so much already. But I hate myself so much and am juggling the stress of taking care of a baby and the fear of my actions affecting him later in life. I grew up with an abusive mom and in no way have I ever hurt or yelled at my baby. But sometimes I get so frustrated and just cry. And I'm just scared of traumatizing him or something. I don't want to repeat the cycle. But I feel so weak in that I will traumatize him in some way with my suicidal tendencies. Even if I don't kill myself. Aughhh my brain is a mess. anyways I just needed to vent hopefully without any judgement. I do vent to friends sometimes but it's nice to be able to anon vent to others about all this.

It's good to vent. There is nothing to fear in the afterlife even if you do commit suicide but my advice is to keep going as long as you can. You have many things to live for, especially your baby. There is a great reward to look forward to after we cross over. Knowing that life is meant to be hard helps me and it's all truly a learning process. This life here is just a blink of an eye.