shura
Member
- Sep 19, 2023
- 12
Hello. I am an 18 year old male living in Sweden. Since 13/14, I've been battling my suicidal thoughts and I would like to share how it went and where I am right now.
It started with me being 13 and hanging out with my friend. All was good and well. We were relatively happy kids. After our time spent outside, we both went our seperate ways home. The day after, on a sunday, his family notified my family that he was dead by accidental suicide. I was shattered. My friend being dead, I couldn't process that. Ever since then, I started thinking about life and death in general. "Where was my friend?" was all I could think about.
Fast forward a year, tragedy struck my family. A divorce. I was still trying to recover from the thoughts about living and such from my friend and when the divorce hit, I guess my feelings got more amplified. I did eventually start looking into suicide. A painless method. I didn't feel like I had any value (which I later realized was stupid of me to think so). I did eventually stumble across this website at 15, but never dared to enter. This also led me to searching up videos of people dying (mostly by suicide, but also from murders). Still I wondered where they were now. I kept thinking how this world was messed up and I couldn't bear to be here anymore.
I did eventually start self harming by cutting on my thighs and such. I felt the need to do it. I wanted to test my pain tolerance, see where the line would go.
Then at 16, I would finally tell myself that "Now is the time. I will end it". I had a note written out and everything (the note has been burnt). I lived in an apartment building with many stories high up, and we lived on a relatively high story. The fall would easily kill someone. I figured "I am gonna die eventually, might as well jump off the balcony.". I was standing there looking down. Held my hand on the bar/fence and was ready to fling myself down. I didn't call anyone, nor message. This was it. As I was about to jump, an instinct inside me awakened of some sort. However goofy or corny this may sound, that's how it felt. Suddenly I thought "This is too high up. What am I doing?". Emotions whirred. I threw up there on the balcony. I cleaned it up before anyone came home. When my dad came home, I started crying and bawling my eyes out, while hugging my dad. I started to feel some determination in me. I was wondering why I didn't do it.
At 17, I started my 2nd year of high school (i think its high school in sweden?). I started also being very active in Discord. While it not be the best place as many people there are very rude, they could've influenced me back into my old feelings. But instead, I was met with a beautiful and probably the nicest person I could ever ask for. As I never sought any help from anyone, this was the person I would continue to talk to. This person helped me realize that maybe I wasn't so useless afterall. They urged me to start working out, so I did. "Try a sport!" they said. So I did. This person helped me to the point where I started to appreciate life to the fullest. If I was outside (or if i go outside now), I would observe my surroundings. Everything is here and it is here now. I am here. I am alive. I can not imagine this not existing.
I feel like now I can never go back to the way I was. I am maybe "too happy" now. I also recently starting feeling this urge, this desire to help others. I want to make sure others feel that they matter. They all do. I want to re-pay what that person did to me.
So that's it. I'm 18, still currently trying to push forward and go strong. I work out alot, keep myself fit and healthy.
I guess the most important thing I'm trying to say here is that however bad it may seem, however lost you may feel, there is always, and I mean ALWAYS hope and faith. No ones feelings should ever be invalidated. Everyone feels they way they feel. But I am so sure that everyone can feel the happiest they've ever been. Open your heart.
(ps. the story i wrote has many parts cut out of it. many tragic stuff did happen, but i chose not to mention them. While my story may seem like some sort of disney movie or something, i testify with all honesty that what im saying is true)
You are loved, no matter who you are.
It started with me being 13 and hanging out with my friend. All was good and well. We were relatively happy kids. After our time spent outside, we both went our seperate ways home. The day after, on a sunday, his family notified my family that he was dead by accidental suicide. I was shattered. My friend being dead, I couldn't process that. Ever since then, I started thinking about life and death in general. "Where was my friend?" was all I could think about.
Fast forward a year, tragedy struck my family. A divorce. I was still trying to recover from the thoughts about living and such from my friend and when the divorce hit, I guess my feelings got more amplified. I did eventually start looking into suicide. A painless method. I didn't feel like I had any value (which I later realized was stupid of me to think so). I did eventually stumble across this website at 15, but never dared to enter. This also led me to searching up videos of people dying (mostly by suicide, but also from murders). Still I wondered where they were now. I kept thinking how this world was messed up and I couldn't bear to be here anymore.
I did eventually start self harming by cutting on my thighs and such. I felt the need to do it. I wanted to test my pain tolerance, see where the line would go.
Then at 16, I would finally tell myself that "Now is the time. I will end it". I had a note written out and everything (the note has been burnt). I lived in an apartment building with many stories high up, and we lived on a relatively high story. The fall would easily kill someone. I figured "I am gonna die eventually, might as well jump off the balcony.". I was standing there looking down. Held my hand on the bar/fence and was ready to fling myself down. I didn't call anyone, nor message. This was it. As I was about to jump, an instinct inside me awakened of some sort. However goofy or corny this may sound, that's how it felt. Suddenly I thought "This is too high up. What am I doing?". Emotions whirred. I threw up there on the balcony. I cleaned it up before anyone came home. When my dad came home, I started crying and bawling my eyes out, while hugging my dad. I started to feel some determination in me. I was wondering why I didn't do it.
At 17, I started my 2nd year of high school (i think its high school in sweden?). I started also being very active in Discord. While it not be the best place as many people there are very rude, they could've influenced me back into my old feelings. But instead, I was met with a beautiful and probably the nicest person I could ever ask for. As I never sought any help from anyone, this was the person I would continue to talk to. This person helped me realize that maybe I wasn't so useless afterall. They urged me to start working out, so I did. "Try a sport!" they said. So I did. This person helped me to the point where I started to appreciate life to the fullest. If I was outside (or if i go outside now), I would observe my surroundings. Everything is here and it is here now. I am here. I am alive. I can not imagine this not existing.
I feel like now I can never go back to the way I was. I am maybe "too happy" now. I also recently starting feeling this urge, this desire to help others. I want to make sure others feel that they matter. They all do. I want to re-pay what that person did to me.
So that's it. I'm 18, still currently trying to push forward and go strong. I work out alot, keep myself fit and healthy.
I guess the most important thing I'm trying to say here is that however bad it may seem, however lost you may feel, there is always, and I mean ALWAYS hope and faith. No ones feelings should ever be invalidated. Everyone feels they way they feel. But I am so sure that everyone can feel the happiest they've ever been. Open your heart.
(ps. the story i wrote has many parts cut out of it. many tragic stuff did happen, but i chose not to mention them. While my story may seem like some sort of disney movie or something, i testify with all honesty that what im saying is true)
You are loved, no matter who you are.
