bbveevee
vacant body
- Jul 3, 2023
- 30
I don't want to cbt but see no other option
I have ptsd from my past relationship where I was cheated on for almost a year with an ex best friend. Its been 6 months of no contact and I have my ex blocked. For months I endured being abused (not physically) and accused of cheating. For a while we were on and off because of his habit of breaking up with me and blocking me, then the next day acting like nothing happened. When we were broken up/"on a break but this doesn't mean we are gonna look for other people" (he was already cheating) I had colleagues over for a christmas party he didn't want to attend to, a few of my closer ones stayed the night and a guy held me because I was really sad, months later my ex went through my laptop and saw that I told a friend about being held.
For months I kept hearing how I am a whore for doing so, how he is disgusted by me, and then would say I "shouldn't believe what he saya when he's mad" he would tell me about how he is "gonna sleep with other girls tonight", how I ruined years of a relationship, he would say I abused him when in reality I was cooking, paying for gas, and would try to take so much care of him. Later I cut him off and within a day he had talked to a professional and said that I was right and he is sorry that he hurt me, we kept in touch and would talk daily and hang out/hu, he would reassure me that we can work through it and lying about how i'm the only one for him. Long story short when I was getting detached I met someone and went out for a month, he told me someone saw me with this guy and said how can I "make our breakup so public" or not keep it discrete, then said he is gonna sleep with others, and when he saw I wasn't bothered by it he revealed that he was "talking" to my ex friend. A week after this I had my first attempt because I found out he had been cheating for so long and I couldn't and still can't understand how someone can do that.
I went through different stages of healing but mostly I just ended up blaming myself every time, I understand all the logic people talk into me but my feelings are still hurt. This is such a stupid thing that permanently altered me. I'm doing much better without him (I only had him and now I have many friends, I work better) but I have no escape from all the lies he told me and others, the anxiety, panic, and blaming myself for nothing. And the "why not me" and "what could I have done" thoughts haunt me. I def do not want him back, I just feel like I can't live in a world with people like him or my ex friend. It also hurts thinking that 2+ years he could have been faking loving me, or thinking about the possibility that he is much better with my ex bsf. I def left stuff out, I'm just really done and tired and wish I heard someone else's opinion on this, no need to be kind to me in the reply.
I have ptsd from my past relationship where I was cheated on for almost a year with an ex best friend. Its been 6 months of no contact and I have my ex blocked. For months I endured being abused (not physically) and accused of cheating. For a while we were on and off because of his habit of breaking up with me and blocking me, then the next day acting like nothing happened. When we were broken up/"on a break but this doesn't mean we are gonna look for other people" (he was already cheating) I had colleagues over for a christmas party he didn't want to attend to, a few of my closer ones stayed the night and a guy held me because I was really sad, months later my ex went through my laptop and saw that I told a friend about being held.
For months I kept hearing how I am a whore for doing so, how he is disgusted by me, and then would say I "shouldn't believe what he saya when he's mad" he would tell me about how he is "gonna sleep with other girls tonight", how I ruined years of a relationship, he would say I abused him when in reality I was cooking, paying for gas, and would try to take so much care of him. Later I cut him off and within a day he had talked to a professional and said that I was right and he is sorry that he hurt me, we kept in touch and would talk daily and hang out/hu, he would reassure me that we can work through it and lying about how i'm the only one for him. Long story short when I was getting detached I met someone and went out for a month, he told me someone saw me with this guy and said how can I "make our breakup so public" or not keep it discrete, then said he is gonna sleep with others, and when he saw I wasn't bothered by it he revealed that he was "talking" to my ex friend. A week after this I had my first attempt because I found out he had been cheating for so long and I couldn't and still can't understand how someone can do that.
I went through different stages of healing but mostly I just ended up blaming myself every time, I understand all the logic people talk into me but my feelings are still hurt. This is such a stupid thing that permanently altered me. I'm doing much better without him (I only had him and now I have many friends, I work better) but I have no escape from all the lies he told me and others, the anxiety, panic, and blaming myself for nothing. And the "why not me" and "what could I have done" thoughts haunt me. I def do not want him back, I just feel like I can't live in a world with people like him or my ex friend. It also hurts thinking that 2+ years he could have been faking loving me, or thinking about the possibility that he is much better with my ex bsf. I def left stuff out, I'm just really done and tired and wish I heard someone else's opinion on this, no need to be kind to me in the reply.
