Story My story of my upbringing and explanations

[TAW122]

Over the last few months, I've talked about my reasoning for why I'm not interested in recovery, including a few threads specifically about my experiences with therapy, religion, and failed recoveries, but one thing I haven't mentioned is my upbringing specifically (while I did hint at it at various times, I never elaborated on it). So before I begin, here are some threads where I've specifically wrote about said topics.

My experiences with religion and why it's not for me.

Why therapy and counseling is useless for me.

Failed social life (in detail).

Why recovery isn't an option (long thread, but worth a read if you are curious).

(Warning: Long post below, but if you wanted to understand me a bit more, do read on)

So with those said, here is my upbringing in detail:
I grew up in an authoritarian family, and it wasn't helpful that I had an brilliant sister, who herself was an overachiever and my parents generally had high expectations. I was the opposite of my sister, not academically gifted, not socially successful, and generally just fail in many areas in life, even during childhood. My parents tried to make follow the footsteps of my sister, oftenly controlling my life (for the better and mostly, the worse). As a result, they tried to prepare me for a world of 'success' based on societal terms and also their vision, most of which I heavily disagreed with.

For me, I care not of the many things society values, nor do I simply follow others just because others do it (though sometimes I did capitulate to peer pressure and other pressures but that's a different point). I have to have a good reason and/or genuinely care about something in order to pursue it. If there is nothing to be gained for said activity, then to me, it is a waste of time and energy to pursue it, regardless of what society or anyone thinks.

My parents mainly want me to be successful based on societal and their standards, which entails going to a good college, getting a nice paying job (preferably six figures but at least middle or upper middle class), being a high social class person (no profanity, no lewd, no subculture shit, etc.) in society, having a big house, having family (like most people), having a relationship with another woman (girlfriend, fiance, wife, etc.) and more. These are pretty all things that goes against my identity, who I am, what I am, my values and interests. Little did they give a damn about what I want or allow me to have my interests at heart. It was them and them. My peers (classmates and the people I interact with while growing up) also did not respect me for who I am and quite frankly, I am not seeking their approval. I live my life on my own terms.

Now, I know some people might have some common remarks after reading my brief story of my upbringing, so I decide to address them here:

Common rebuttals:
'But TAW122, you're just going against the grain, for no good reason."

Not really. I genuinely believed in the things I stand for. Sure, there are times where I'd like to be spiteful and
just troll the people who are responsible for putting me into said situations, but for the most part, the things I stand for, I do genuinely support.

'But TAW122, you're only hurting yourself!'

So? I don't really give a damn, too numb to give two shits about it. I don't care what others think (including you for the matter). I don't give a damn whether the world or family gives a damn.

'But TAW122, you're petty, your reasons are petty! Those are shit reasons!'

No, I'm simply tired of an authoritarian family and a cruel, unjust, and judgmental society. The best way for me to win is to lose. I just need to do the bare minimum to get by while maximizing my gains in life, via leeching and taking from the vast majority. Ok, so that makes me selfish, but for my parents to conceive me without my consent/choice and for society to require me to stay alive and with the threat of extrajudicial punishment for trying/attempting to ctb and failing, then I think it's more than fair. In essence, if society forces me to live (meaning I could not just go and find a peaceful death, but would be locked up against my will if I fail or attempt to ctb and get caught) and won't let me go peacefully, then I might as well make myself as comfortable as possible while I still draw breath, pump blood (my heart beating), and my conscious remains.

I'm also too broken to be fixed (long story in another topic), and even if by some miracle that there is a solution, it won't be worth the time and effort. I'm not gonna waste my time and effort to gamble in a fruitless endeavor that has no guaranty of what I will be satisfied with.

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

So in conclusion, this should help explain some of my previous topics and posts about why I've given up on recovery and why I've sort of made peace with just waiting until the inevitable and then ctbing. I think the best revenge (vengeance is my secondary objective, not my primary objective, which is to achieve independence, freedom, and control my own life and death) for me is to lose in such a way that it spites society and family for what they have done while living life on my own terms and making the most out of what I have while I'm still alive, up until the day I ctb.

 

[Walilamdzi]

Hey, I thought it was a shame that nobody had written back. I think you're still active here, so I thought I'd reply even though I might not have anything useful to say and it's a post from January. I've been considering ctb for months, so I can completely understand your perspectives but just wanted to try to give a different perspective too. You sound like an articulate person who is sensitive to the world around you. I think that those are great qualities.

The main feeling I have after reading this post the other threads that you linked is that you are someone who has a clear idea of their own opinions but hasn't really found a way to live in a way that satisfies you. Wouldn't the best revenge to be to continue living on your own terms, to go against the grain and live your life in line with your own values, rather than simply ctb? It sounds like you still feel burdened by your parents ideas and their ideas about success and failure. Why would living on your own terms necessarily lead to you losing?

Organised religion has never been for me, either. I think that sometimes, having faith can protect people from some of the harsher realities in life, because if you believe in a force protecting you and nothing contradicts your ideas about that then it might give you a kind of confidence. Almost like a placebo-effect protecting you from existential anxieties and helping you to feel guided towards a particular path. Your experience of being restrained by a pastor sounds unsettling. I never experienced anything like that, but did often feel frustrated by religious authority figures and I remember I didn't like being 'blessed' by a priest in school (while he put both hands on my forehead). I'm sorry to hear that your parents put so much pressure on you, I doubt they meant to harm you in the way that they did, I think that parental ineptitude comes from a misguided attempt to protect you from the world or their panic in trying to equip you for a future that nobody can predict. That's the most positive interpretation I can think of to explain the pressure they put you under. I'm glad that you feel that you've found your own conclusion about religion, rather than just being pushed towards something.

I'm also pretty reluctant to go to therapy. I really don't like the labels that the psychiatric industry has created for people and I approach these 'professionals' with a great deal of skepticism. I've found some good advice from people who have at one time been professional therapists on youtube. While it isn't the same as talking to someone in person, you can often find something relevant to your own situation. It says something that they're uploading their advice for free, unlike psychiatrists that you have to pay through the nose for an hour of their time. I really like Daniel Mackler's youtube channel, it's helped me through some rough patches. I also quite like Russel Brand's recent self-help style videos.

I don't have a lot of friends either. While it can get lonely, I don't think that you should judge yourself negatively on this. A lot of people who appear to have a lot of friends have pretty superficial relationships. What if you found a way to meet other people with Asperger's? It's just a thought, but maybe hanging out with people who have similar experiences could help. There are also benefits to being a loner, I think. I aspire to be self-reliant and then form a few healthy friendships.

A lot of the reasons you list in 'why recovery isn't an option for me' are similar to how I feel when I'm feeling like this. The only thing I would say is that however bleak the future may look, we can't actually predict the future. You never know what might be round the corner, whether good or bad, so I don't think you can categorically say you wouldn't be able to achieve certain things. You don't need to conform to society's ideas of what a good job is... plenty of people in 'successful careers' ctb, notably doctors. Having a fat paycheque may give you some freedoms, but it doesn't guarantee happiness. I can understand your feelings about becoming a musician. Can you find any enjoyment in just doing music just for your own sake?

I also don't want to have a drawn out, old age full of suffering. Isn't that still some time in the future for you, though? I don't know how old you are, just pointing out that there might be a reason to wait.

 

[TAW122]

Hi @Walilamdzi,

Thanks for a very long reply and yes, this was a old thread so some things have changed a bit. For living on my own terms and values against the grain, yes for the most part, I have or at least tried to in my situation. There are some ways that I have made it work, and while I believe I have figured the vast majority of what I want, there are still some things in life that I still am working on and figuring out, to this day. I'm not so much burdened by my parents and while my relations with my family has improved, I want to keep it amiable as much as possible. While I don't agree with them and everything they want, I know they have the best intentions, so I am not mad at them at all. In fact, I take their advice with a grain of salt and apply the ones that work for me and discard the ones that aren't applicable or feasible for my circumstances.

For religion, I am an atheist and really the only reasons I ever go to church is partly so I can play an instrument, the piano (as I don't currently own one myself) and also to have some people to people interaction. While most of my social circles are religious people and people from church, I try my best to maintain a solid boundary between them. As long as they don't push their values or encroach on me, then I'm ok with them. The moment they start to become pushy or try to keep pushing me in a direction that is incompatible with me would be when I would cut ties with them.

Therapists and counselors as well as the field in general, I too, am skeptical and still am to this day. I don't agree with a lot of the labels and I do believe that their incentive isn't so much to 'cure' the problem, but rather keep returning clients as it's good for business. I'm just tired of people always parroting off getting help and recommending therapy as a cure-all or solution to many problems. It's offensive as it's dismissive of the person's actual problems, assuming that said person doesn't know that therapy exists (we know but we don't find it useful), or just because it helped the majority of people, therefore it will be helpful for people like us (biases). There are other reasons too, including cost, time, and efficacy that I just find therapy, counseling, mental health counseling to be a big money sink (sometimes even a sham, a scam - as some people claim).

As far as friends are concerned, I live a pretty solitary life. I mostly enjoy being solitary and doing things that I enjoy and doing them on my own terms. There are people who have Aspergers and the like, but it's more complicated than that. One example is that when I was in university many years ago, I had an acquaintance who also had Aspergers, but our personalities clash time to time. While we did hangout, his views was just oftenly more optimistic (but a bit too skewed or different from mine) while mine was more realistic yet pessimistic. We don't really hate each other per se, but oftenly there has been many clashes, sometimes uncomfortable.

In regards to recovery, actually, I did partially recover, but not in the best of all ways, just enough to not want to actively want to die. I agree with that having a fat paycheck may allow for more freedom and stuff, but yes, not at the cost of my mental health or well being. This doesn't mean that money isn't important because having to survive day to day without any safety net and struggle financially is almost as bad being rich but no time to do what one wants. In regards to society, I just do enough to get by and most of the time, I don't always agree with it's values or just doing it because everyone else is doing it. That's a pretty weak reason and I'd rather not be the sheep in this situation. As for my hobby, yes I could be happy though there are times where I like to see progress or get some return, whether it would be a following or an audience for the effort I put in. This doesn't mean that I don't enjoy it for myself, but it doesn't make sense to go well out of my way and put a lot of effort to get nothing back. Furthermore, I do like to play well, not so much to impress others but also for myself and am a perfectionist to some extent.

Therefore, I suppose I am still alive today thanks to my small recovery back in March 2019 this year. I am 28 years of age btw and yes I do agree that I'm still relatively young, but not really young either.