Hello
I don't know why it started falling apart? I had everything going for me. A nice girlfriend devoted to me, top student in college with brilliant prospects for future, financially well off parents. Everyone had high expectations and I was confident in fulfilling them.
Then cracks started to appear in my 5 year long relationship with my childhood sweetheart. She said, I took her for granted and then I found she has been cheating on me with a junior. We broke up and it has been 10 years now since i have spoken to her. Then I went for post graduation in an ivy league uni and this time the results were not so good. I could barely concentrate on academics and just tried to escape the reality of my break up by any means possible be it substance abuse or engrossing myself in novels or movies for hours or days at a time. In end, I barely finished the course but a got a decent job due to some connections of my father. To cut the long story short, i failed miserably as i was barely competent and after couple of years of misery, I just quit before i could be fired and moved back in with my parents.
This is when the hell started for me. I found out that for my father, I was just an investment which had failed and now had no value. My mother was a bit better but was always getting physically mentally abused and totally dependent on my dad. I was also her ticket to a better life away from my dad.
The guilt of failure and disappointing expectations overwhelmed me. I was by this time so lacking in confidence that i didnt bother looking for another job and just started working under my father at local store. That didn't go well as our ideas clashed and i lost interest and basically stayed in my room all the time.
I was ashamed of facing my family, friends and anyone who knew me. I thought about ctb many times but always thought perhaps things could turn for better. Tried and failed, time after time and this went on for years.
Now I am in my mid thirties and totally dependent on my father whom i hate and mother I have stopped caring for. Every day seems like burden and I am tired of being a parasite. I have no desires left except for ending it all. I used to hesitate earlier thinking my parents would be negatively affected but now i don't care at all
The only thing which i am afraid of is the lack of reliability of the method used and the logistics of it all. I want something which I can be absolutely in control of and the failure is not an option for me and the current situation with covid is making everything difficult.
That's all for me. I thank you for your patience for the reading this wall of text.
I don't know why it started falling apart? I had everything going for me. A nice girlfriend devoted to me, top student in college with brilliant prospects for future, financially well off parents. Everyone had high expectations and I was confident in fulfilling them.
Then cracks started to appear in my 5 year long relationship with my childhood sweetheart. She said, I took her for granted and then I found she has been cheating on me with a junior. We broke up and it has been 10 years now since i have spoken to her. Then I went for post graduation in an ivy league uni and this time the results were not so good. I could barely concentrate on academics and just tried to escape the reality of my break up by any means possible be it substance abuse or engrossing myself in novels or movies for hours or days at a time. In end, I barely finished the course but a got a decent job due to some connections of my father. To cut the long story short, i failed miserably as i was barely competent and after couple of years of misery, I just quit before i could be fired and moved back in with my parents.
This is when the hell started for me. I found out that for my father, I was just an investment which had failed and now had no value. My mother was a bit better but was always getting physically mentally abused and totally dependent on my dad. I was also her ticket to a better life away from my dad.
The guilt of failure and disappointing expectations overwhelmed me. I was by this time so lacking in confidence that i didnt bother looking for another job and just started working under my father at local store. That didn't go well as our ideas clashed and i lost interest and basically stayed in my room all the time.
I was ashamed of facing my family, friends and anyone who knew me. I thought about ctb many times but always thought perhaps things could turn for better. Tried and failed, time after time and this went on for years.
Now I am in my mid thirties and totally dependent on my father whom i hate and mother I have stopped caring for. Every day seems like burden and I am tired of being a parasite. I have no desires left except for ending it all. I used to hesitate earlier thinking my parents would be negatively affected but now i don't care at all
The only thing which i am afraid of is the lack of reliability of the method used and the logistics of it all. I want something which I can be absolutely in control of and the failure is not an option for me and the current situation with covid is making everything difficult.
That's all for me. I thank you for your patience for the reading this wall of text.
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