sekkia
New Member
- Sep 12, 2023
- 3
Hi, so, in this post I just want to share my thoughts and my history of dealing with depression for almost 10 years,being a young person.
It all started when I was like 10 years old,with the bullying at my school,obviously for stupid reasons like my weight,my interests,and because I was "boyish".
At first, I ignored the people that tried to bully me, but after all of my friends betrayed me and started to treat me like shit as well, I just couldn't ignore them.
After 4 years dealing with bullying, as a consequence, I became anorexic, and that was the start of another hell.
I changed highschool,hiding my ed, and made friends, all seemed to go well, but my family started mocking me because of my low weight, and that just made me feel worse... people out of my house always complimented me, so I was out of my house a lot, and didn't spent time with my family. At the same time,my grandma was very bad at health,she was all day in a bed,with medical care and forgetting everything because of her age, so,in frustration because of her situation I said to my mother the most stupid words I said in my life: "my grandmother is dead to me"... one week after my grandma died.... from that point, I became another person...I will never forgive myself from what I did. When I told this to people they always said "You were 14 and immature, you have to forgive yourself",but I just can't, my grandma was one of the few people that understood me,and always helped me,or tried to, she taught me a lot,and helped me to grow as a person...she didn't deserve all of that bullshit.
After that,my ed transformed from anorexia to binge ed, I just saw a skeleton in the mirror,ugly inside and outside.
And a few years later,living as a zombie, I had my first suicide attempt, I just couldn't deal with my feelings and my ed, I thought that it'll be better for everyone if I just disappeared, buy obviously I failed, and actually,that was good,because my family started to comprehend my depression,and thanks to that I went to multiple therapies... but,and always appears a but, pandemic fucked all of my mental health progress.
I started a relationship with a guy that obviously didn't loved me,he just needed me, and I needed him,so,that didn't go well, and I started having more and more antidepressants,and leaving my last year of highschool, which I actually ended approving btw, but yeah.
Then, I cutted my meds because i thought that was better than overdosing progressively, and started hanging up with some friends, and obviously, that didn't go well as well, because they started doing drugs (not hard drugs,just marijuana and lcd, but they became addicts) and I didn't like that,because I just wanted to hang with them to talk,and they just wanted to hang out to do drugs,so I distanced myself from them, which was a great decision but,made me feel alone.
I went to therapy again because I never recovered from my depression an eds, and I took 1 year for recovering completely.
On that year I started feeling good,and I met my boyfriend, which is a beautiful person,and taught me what real love is, being for that person in the good and bad moments.
So,all of that improvement gave me motivation to start university.
And yeah, this year,I started University, and all was ok, I just was kind of stressed because of the difficulties, but suddenly,on the second semester I started to feel like shit again,I isolated myself and felt invisible. I started to think that no one likes me,and that I never will success. And an irrational fear of going to university just became part of myself. Because all of that,and my memories I started skipping university,which made me feel worse.
Right now all is good with my family and my boyfriend,and they are my biggest support, I just want to success for them, I don't wanna piss all of their effort and expectations that they put on me. I don't wanna sabotage myself over and over again,but inside of me I think that I not deserve a shit...
I think alk of my effort this year was for nothing,because in a month I fucked up everything.
I just don't know what I should do, I feel trapped inside of my mind.
Also I started taking meds again,How ironic.
Well,thank you for reading, sorry of I had some mistakes,I'm not a native English speaker.
It all started when I was like 10 years old,with the bullying at my school,obviously for stupid reasons like my weight,my interests,and because I was "boyish".
At first, I ignored the people that tried to bully me, but after all of my friends betrayed me and started to treat me like shit as well, I just couldn't ignore them.
After 4 years dealing with bullying, as a consequence, I became anorexic, and that was the start of another hell.
I changed highschool,hiding my ed, and made friends, all seemed to go well, but my family started mocking me because of my low weight, and that just made me feel worse... people out of my house always complimented me, so I was out of my house a lot, and didn't spent time with my family. At the same time,my grandma was very bad at health,she was all day in a bed,with medical care and forgetting everything because of her age, so,in frustration because of her situation I said to my mother the most stupid words I said in my life: "my grandmother is dead to me"... one week after my grandma died.... from that point, I became another person...I will never forgive myself from what I did. When I told this to people they always said "You were 14 and immature, you have to forgive yourself",but I just can't, my grandma was one of the few people that understood me,and always helped me,or tried to, she taught me a lot,and helped me to grow as a person...she didn't deserve all of that bullshit.
After that,my ed transformed from anorexia to binge ed, I just saw a skeleton in the mirror,ugly inside and outside.
And a few years later,living as a zombie, I had my first suicide attempt, I just couldn't deal with my feelings and my ed, I thought that it'll be better for everyone if I just disappeared, buy obviously I failed, and actually,that was good,because my family started to comprehend my depression,and thanks to that I went to multiple therapies... but,and always appears a but, pandemic fucked all of my mental health progress.
I started a relationship with a guy that obviously didn't loved me,he just needed me, and I needed him,so,that didn't go well, and I started having more and more antidepressants,and leaving my last year of highschool, which I actually ended approving btw, but yeah.
Then, I cutted my meds because i thought that was better than overdosing progressively, and started hanging up with some friends, and obviously, that didn't go well as well, because they started doing drugs (not hard drugs,just marijuana and lcd, but they became addicts) and I didn't like that,because I just wanted to hang with them to talk,and they just wanted to hang out to do drugs,so I distanced myself from them, which was a great decision but,made me feel alone.
I went to therapy again because I never recovered from my depression an eds, and I took 1 year for recovering completely.
On that year I started feeling good,and I met my boyfriend, which is a beautiful person,and taught me what real love is, being for that person in the good and bad moments.
So,all of that improvement gave me motivation to start university.
And yeah, this year,I started University, and all was ok, I just was kind of stressed because of the difficulties, but suddenly,on the second semester I started to feel like shit again,I isolated myself and felt invisible. I started to think that no one likes me,and that I never will success. And an irrational fear of going to university just became part of myself. Because all of that,and my memories I started skipping university,which made me feel worse.
Right now all is good with my family and my boyfriend,and they are my biggest support, I just want to success for them, I don't wanna piss all of their effort and expectations that they put on me. I don't wanna sabotage myself over and over again,but inside of me I think that I not deserve a shit...
I think alk of my effort this year was for nothing,because in a month I fucked up everything.
I just don't know what I should do, I feel trapped inside of my mind.
Also I started taking meds again,How ironic.
Well,thank you for reading, sorry of I had some mistakes,I'm not a native English speaker.
