Discussion My son's suicide

[amy joyce]

I'm very new here. In fact this is my first post and I'm not sure how to do it.

My son passed away on 8/8/25. He was 26 years old. As his mother, and the rest of his family and friends, we are beyond devastated. I found this website/forum because I've been contemplating taking my own life.

Since being approved to join the site I've been wondering if my son possibly posted here. I know that he suffered from SI for years, especially after starting college (which he did not finish, despite much potential). I wonder if there is a way to find out? I'd like to learn as much as possible about what was going on from his POV. Why did he choose that day and why didn't he come talk to me first? We had been close and he had come to me before. We also knew of his struggles (well, I did) and I didn't push him to "get on with life". I wanted only his happiness and survival.

Anyway I'm available for questions and any advice on being able to find information. We sent his phone out to a company in Israel to get broken into in order to find out certain things (without being too nosy).

PS. I'm still considering this out myself however I've since put that on the back burner for now. He was extremely important to me and I'm lost without him. My husband and second son seem to have been getting on with it while I cannot.

 

[ariewist]

first, I'm sorry for your loss. The situation you are going through is one I relate to but on the suicide idealization side and it's painful.
Talking to parents is hard, My mom is in the same boat, where she knows my struggles, takes me to my appointments and in her way didn't try to push me and said to take it slowly with time.

However, I perceive and sense that she's hiding her feelings of disappointment and feeling like you can't control your life anymore. It starts gradual, and then gets louder and louder, and the anxiety of staying alive is outweighed by the sense of peace where you can sleep forever. I use substances even though it I know it isn't something to abuse, but along with my medication too, where I'm also told to not mix but I do and so far it has helped diminish that voice and allow you to at least temporarily be okay with staying alive. It did however get me sluggish, lazy, and unconcerned and I feel like my life has run it's course. I am 25, and I only gave myself til 27 to get my life in order. However, the more I realize I'm at a point where I can't take it anymore. I love my mom, and I'm your son loved you too. It isn't because you did anything to trigger it, I'm also failing college and I perceive everyone to view me like I'm a parasite. My siblings are different, they're lives seem to be progressing and the anxiety that I'm a loser eats away at me as I'm unemployed, probably going to get academic probation due to low grades, the walls keep closing in.

A question I have: what made you know or think he was on this site in particular? I would also recommend checking out Reddit as well, as it's more popular. He could be a user on there, but it would tough as people use throwaways a ton on r/suicide and r/depression.

Do you know if he has his passwords saved if you can access his computer? If so, his email and password can show up on the forum, and that way can see if he would have an account on here or on any site that helps you find what you are looking for. If you can somehow access his device, it could be something you can look for.

Again, I'm sorry for your loss. It isn't for revenge or out of spite, or anger. It's just you get to a point where you feel like you can't be understood by anyone, even the ones that really love you. I haven't texted my friends in weeks, they are lovely people but I fail to truly connect as I feel like a loser, their lives are moving upwards while I am in the same spot. It eats away at you and you feel like at a point, people will leave you, your family will view yourself as a lost cause and if you're an older sibling feel, like a total failure to be a role model, and secretly feel judged and resentment for struggling to move forward.

 

[wine is fine but]

I'm very new here. In fact this is my first post and I'm not sure how to do it.

My son passed away on 8/8/25. He was 26 years old. As his mother, and the rest of his family and friends, we are beyond devastated. I found this website/forum because I've been contemplating taking my own life.

Since being approved to join the site I've been wondering if my son possibly posted here. I know that he suffered from SI for years, especially after starting college (which he did not finish, despite much potential). I wonder if there is a way to find out? I'd like to learn as much as possible about what was going on from his POV. Why did he choose that day and why didn't he come talk to me first? We had been close and he had come to me before. We also knew of his struggles (well, I did) and I didn't push him to "get on with life". I wanted only his happiness and survival.

Anyway I'm available for questions and any advice on being able to find information. We sent his phone out to a company in Israel to get broken into in order to find out certain things (without being too nosy).

PS. I'm still considering this out myself however I've since put that on the back burner for now. He was extremely important to me and I'm lost without him. My husband and second son seem to have been getting on with it while I cannot.

i am so very sorry for you

you have suffered a pain that no one should ever have to deal with

someone in your son's position (like many of us here) cannot talk to people about it
1. hearing how much someone loves you when considering suicide is heart breaking; even when they have no idea about your plans
2. no one wants to be locked up in a psyche ward
3. we do not want anyone we care about to worry about us
4. someone who goes ahead with suicide does not want to be saved

as for the actual date - there could be many reasons. in my mind, people only take their own lives, for one reason. they want to die. the thing that tips us over the edge is what i call a trigger. a trigger can come in many forms, and there really isn't any rhyme or reason for it

some of us see life similar to a roller coaster. there are ups and downs. it can be fun and a massive thrill, but it can also make us sick. either way, when we wish to get off it, then we wish to get off it

i am hoping beyond hope that none of this post makes you any more upset, although it is probably not possible for your pain to get any worse. the point i am trying to make is that from the time that i knew there was a difference between life and death, i have always wanted the second option. 5 decades later and i am still here, still planning. this morning at midnight, and last sunday were chosen days, and there is another one coming up . . . but; when people sympathise with me for having a death wish for so long, i tell them the truth. it is not that bad. i promise you that. thoughts of being willing to leave, and being willing to stay can co-exist in your head at the same time, and actually help the person get through life. until your recent tragedy you probably would not have had any idea that was possible. many people who take their own lives are happy people. most of us are not tortured souls. we just seem to get sick of the world quicker than most others. if we are going to die anyway, then we might as well have some control over it. of course, you are going to miss him, but please somehow try to accept that he probably wasn't such a tortured soul. i obviously, do not know that, but people capable of taking their own lives have a different mindset than the average person. we can get all sad about someone writing a goodbye thread, but when it comes to ourselves we do not care at all. most of us are fairly happy while having a get out clause from life. i hope your son was like that and hope you can somehow make peace with it, to lessen the horrible pain you must be feeling

i cannot tell you to live through this, but hopefully you can somehow get around your tragedy and one day start to smile again. i know that sounds totally asinine and impossible at present (and maybe will forever), but you deserve to get what happiness from this life that you can. once you have some answers, or realised there are none coming, you probably shouldn't stay on this site. it can be totally heartbreaking, and it will just lead you down a rabbit hole that you may not be able to climb out of

but please, if you do not want to die, then think very, very carefully before doing anything. many people on this site will be here for you, and give you whatever help they can. once again, i am so very sorry for your loss, and hope that this post has come out right, because the last thing i would want to do is make you somehow feel worse. you have already been dealt life's most crushing blow

and for what it is worth, i tried many options from the age of 13-20. probably at least five times, and then after the last one i made a promise to god, that if i didn't get any long term damage from it, then i wouldn't try again. technically i haven't tried since, but i have two very strong options, so in a way, i am living proof that people who wish to take their own lives are not tortured souls. i hope at the very least that can help even just a little bit, because you deserve to be happy (even if that is not possible right now, or even at all) and i am sure your son will want you to be happy too

and lastly, please understand that there is nothing you could have done. there are generally no missed signals, there was no way for you to know what was going to happen. even if you did, you could not have prevented it. please do not torture yourself over that. your loss is painful enough, without believing that "if only" you did this instead of that. you could not have changed the outcome, no matter how much you wish that you could have

 

[amy joyce]

first, I'm sorry for your loss. The situation you are going through is one I relate to but on the suicide idealization side and it's painful.
Talking to parents is hard, My mom is in the same boat, where she knows my struggles, takes me to my appointments and in her way didn't try to push me and said to take it slowly with time.

However, I perceive and sense that she's hiding her feelings of disappointment and feeling like you can't control your life anymore. It starts gradual, and then gets louder and louder, and the anxiety of staying alive is outweighed by the sense of peace where you can sleep forever. I use substances even though it I know it isn't something to abuse, but along with my medication too, where I'm also told to not mix but I do and so far it has helped diminish that voice and allow you to at least temporarily be okay with staying alive. It did however get me sluggish, lazy, and unconcerned and I feel like my life has run it's course. I am 25, and I only gave myself til 27 to get my life in order. However, the more I realize I'm at a point where I can't take it anymore. I love my mom, and I'm your son loved you too. It isn't because you did anything to trigger it, I'm also failing college and I perceive everyone to view me like I'm a parasite. My siblings are different, they're lives seem to be progressing and the anxiety that I'm a loser eats away at me as I'm unemployed, probably going to get academic probation due to low grades, the walls keep closing in.

A question I have: what made you know or think he was on this site in particular? I would also recommend checking out Reddit as well, as it's more popular. He could be a user on there, but it would tough as people use throwaways a ton on r/suicide and r/depression.

Do you know if he has his passwords saved if you can access his computer? If so, his email and password can show up on the forum, and that way can see if he would have an account on here or on any site that helps you find what you are looking for. If you can somehow access his device, it could be something you can look for.

Again, I'm sorry for your loss. It isn't for revenge or out of spite, or anger. It's just you get to a point where you feel like you can't be understood by anyone, even the ones that really love you. I haven't texted my friends in weeks, they are lovely people but I fail to truly connect as I feel like a loser, their lives are moving upwards while I am in the same spot. It eats away at you and you feel like at a point, people will leave you, your family will view yourself as a lost cause and if you're an older sibling feel, like a total failure to be a role model, and secretly feel judged and resentment for struggling to move forward.

I tend to think my son could have related to you quite a bit. Some of what you're going through seems what he struggled with. Unfortunately I'm very tired now and can only write privately when the rest of my house is asleep. I look forward to exploring with you a bit though and will come back tomorrow. Thank you!

 

[ariewist]

P.S. I know my mom wants to help me and is in my corner, but it makes me feel like a burden for her, even though she says I'm not. It makes me hate myself, because I know I'm causing her grief and worry. So at a point you get to a point where you don't want to cause any pain whether you view it as rational or irrational, it's a decision you come to terms with in an attempt to not bother or make the ones you love just deal with your presence and you hide the pain and what you feel, to not worry them about your personal problems. You get to a point where you resent yourself and cut yourself off from everyone and just isolate and pass.

I'm not trying to decode your situation and sorry if it comes off that way.

 

[amy joyce]

i am so very sorry for you

you have suffered a pain that no one should ever have to deal with

someone in your son's position (like many of us here) cannot talk to people about it
1. hearing how much someone loves you when considering suicide is heart breaking; even when they have no idea about your plans
2. no one wants to be locked up in a psyche ward
3. we do not want anyone we care about to worry about us
4. someone who goes ahead with suicide does not want to be saved

as for the actual date - there could be many reasons. in my mind, people only take their own lives, for one reason. they want to die. the thing that tips us over the edge is what i call a trigger. a trigger can come in many forms, and there really isn't any rhyme or reason for it

some of us see life similar to a roller coaster. there are ups and downs. it can be fun and a massive thrill, but it can also make us sick. either way, when we wish to get off it, then we wish to get off it

i am hoping beyond hope that none of this post makes you any more upset, although it is probably not possible for your pain to get any worse. the point i am trying to make is that from the time that i knew there was a difference between life and death, i have always wanted the second option. 5 decades later and i am still here, still planning. this morning at midnight, and last sunday were chosen days, and there is another one coming up . . . but; when people sympathise with me for having a death wish for so long, i tell them the truth. it is not that bad. i promise you that. thoughts of being willing to leave, and being willing to stay can co-exist in your head at the same time, and actually help the person get through life. until your recent tragedy you probably would not have had any idea that was possible. many people who take their own lives are happy people. most of us are not tortured souls. we just seem to get sick of the world quicker than most others. if we are going to die anyway, then we might as well have some control over it. of course, you are going to miss him, but please somehow try to accept that he probably wasn't such a tortured soul. i obviously, do not know that, but people capable of taking their own lives have a different mindset than the average person. we can get all sad about someone writing a goodbye thread, but when it comes to ourselves we do not care at all. most of us are fairly happy while having a get out clause from life. i hope your son was like that and hope you can somehow make peace with it, to lessen the horrible pain you must be feeling

i cannot tell you to live through this, but hopefully you can somehow get around your tragedy and one day start to smile again. i know that sounds totally asinine and impossible at present (and maybe will forever), but you deserve to get what happiness from this life that you can. once you have some answers, or realised there are none coming, you probably shouldn't stay on this site. it can be totally heartbreaking, and it will just lead you down a rabbit hole that you may not be able to climb out of

but please, if you do not want to die, then think very, very carefully before doing anything. many people on this site will be here for you, and give you whatever help they can. once again, i am so very sorry for your loss, and hope that this post has come out right, because the last thing i would want to do is make you somehow feel worse. you have already been dealt life's most crushing blow

and for what it is worth, i tried many options from the age of 13-20. probably at least five times, and then after the last one i made a promise to god, that if i didn't get any long term damage from it, then i wouldn't try again. technically i haven't tried since, but i have two very strong options, so in a way, i am living proof that people who wish to take their own lives are not tortured souls. i hope at the very least that can help even just a little bit, because you deserve to be happy (even if that is not possible right now, or even at all) and i am sure your son will want you to be happy too

I have to get some rest before work tomorrow but I want to understand and learn as much as possible. There are several things I have learned since his death was rather sensational and made the news, I got to speak with people who saw it and learn about his last hours. But I don't believe he really wanted to die. I think he felt much of what you and others expressed but deep down he just didn't want to live with the pain anymore. Also I believe that as his Mother the most important job of my life was being there for my son's for as much and as long was needed. I made a terrible mistake though and am unable to forgive myself. That much said, I really must go. But I appreciate you and every other person who comments and tries to help me, whether I survive or not. Thank you.

 

[wine is fine but]

I made a terrible mistake though and am unable to forgive myself

do not torture yourself
there are no sliding doors moments in this world
you could not have stopped it from happening
at best, you may have just delayed the inevitable
please understand and believe that
you do not deserve more pain

But I don't believe he really wanted to die. I think he felt much of what you and others expressed but deep down he just didn't want to live with the pain anymore.

sadly, that is the same thing - in a roundabout way ; the action and the desired result is the same, but i do get what you are saying. many of us have a breaking point. others can go through horrific illnesses or injuries and still wish to live, but equally sadly, some who previously loved life can stop loving it once a new pain is introduced into their lives

my point in that respect was, you wondered why that particular day, but triggers can happen with no apparent logic to anyone, even the person concerned when they look back on it, if they didn't go through with it