My condolences to you and the pain that you are experiencing.
You are grieving, and you have the right to grieve. Anyway you want. You may be in tears quite a lot, and that may be frustrating to keep doing so. But your body is just trying to figure out how to navigate this awful event that has happened in your life.
Through the process of grief myself, grief and loss is probably one of the most traumatic and difficult things to get through. I know you don't want to hear the 'it gets better' or 'live for him' because you are in pain, right? And these words aren't helpful to you. I've had that myself and it is infuriating.
I know that you are looking for a way out, because you believe that this pain is never ending, but do give yourself a little bit of kindness because you and your body are only trying to navigate this journey without a guidebook. The evenings, wondering, the mornings you wake up and feel absolute hopelessness. I understand these emotions and you want to escape your dark room, but this is about you now. It takes time, and I would say to you take one day at a time. Don't look too far back, but also don't look too far into the future.
I want to tell you that, regardless of what others say, you are allowed to grieve your way. If you have to get angry, rage, cry, shout, swear, throw things, any of these things, it's not a bad thing, you literally have the right to go through these emotions.
And don't blame yourself, either, depression is a complex thing, and even if you are getting angry at yourself thinking 'why didn't I see the signs!?' People are good at masking it and even the best detectives cannot find it out. You did your absolute best to bring up that child, the best that you could, but what was going on in their head was something that they were having to fight with on a daily basis, that was their fight.
All the best in whatever journey you take @karmaisabitch
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