My mom called me that day to see if I would come to her house for the Solar Eclipse.
I really could care less and had no real expectations.
I wonder if my mom hides her fear because on the phone I'm so dry and I sound like a child.
I'm kinda passed masking For family.
Later we got into a discussion about my job hunt.
She began to ramble like parents do about how to job hunt...how to do your resume and what lies to say.
At first I was annoyed because often I feel my mom likes to hear herself talk...especially because as most older people do she doesn't seem to realize how out of touch she is.
She began to complain about my brother who is seeking a new job and he accidentally used me as a reference so I was asking her initially in the conversation what to do. I didn't wanna mess it up for him.
As she went on complaining about him and his lack of motivation and lack of adulting in the world she tells me he's 28 years old.
After that I didn't hear anything else she said.
I felt tears welling up because I didn't realize that's how old he was.
In my mind he was 22 or 23.
As I get older my depression really fucks with my memory. I have lots of gaps where there are no memories.
I now struggle daily to remember little things and I know I could be at a higher risk of dementia.
My great grandmother had it and I think the depression and trauma is exasperating it.
As she went on I thought to myself...damn...I know I feel like the unloved unwanted child.
My brother and sister definitely got more than me.
But at the same time they got the same if not worse then me in regards to not being self sufficient in the world.
My brother lives at home with my mom...my sister is only on her own because of government assistance and her two kids.
I didn't learn how to be on my own till my mid 30s.
To me my mom failed. And immediately I knew I have to get out of here because out of all 3 kids I'm seen as the most reliable and somewhat smart in adulting.
But I'm not and that's been a big issue for me my entire life.
As the world goes on I see it becoming worse. And I don't wanna be here for it.
Once that was done I just sat in silence.
I could start to see the brightness outside become dim.
I could hear people gathering outside to look at the Eclipse.
But I decided to stay in and I always keep my blinds closed.
All of a sudden it got darker.
So even though I struggle with what I believe I decided to pray.
Or maybe we'll call it visualizing.
As the dark crept in I just pictured myself in my kitchen..drinking that special drink.
Dressed in my red leapord print pjs.
I saw myself walk down the hall to my bed..get in..and just quickly pass away.
I pictured the cops breaking down my door to find my dead...but cutely Dressed body in bed...(I know I'm Weird Like That
)
Only I would be concerned about how I look when I'm found.
I pictured them going out to tell my mother she's dead.
I felt such a calmness come over me.
I'm terrified of all I imagine but knowing the goal is so worth it.
So I feel like during the Eclipse maybe I manifested my final and successful attempt.
As I could see the sun coming back I went to shower.
For the update.
As yall know I'm struggling with jobs. But today I interviewed at a hotel for night audit.
It went well but something didn't feel right...the energy was hostile and I waited 30 minutes when I arrived early.
But when I got home I checked my VM and the other hotel that ghosted me called to finally give me a schedule for training.
And even though he gave me a start date I have a second interview with a grocery store that I will go to tomorrow.
So we'll see how this plays out.
I just need to be able to keep my place and my car.
I really wanna die at home and I need money for that.
The idea is to work through the summer and have a plan by September.
I know we say here CTB but I worked really hard trying to have a life and I like some little luxuries.
So I will not be CTB I will be UB..Uber Black
I deserve to go out in style and be celebrated in death because I sure didn't get enough in life.
But for now let's see what the rest of April will show me.
Thankyou to all of you for sharing your life with me...caring about my life...and just for being you.
If I had one wish I would sacrifice myself to give yall any and everything you ever wanted and all you need.
I really hate how we suffer and agonize over trying to make life work.
Being a aunt the TiTi in me wishes I could just hold each one of you and let you fall apart until you felt better.
The me that wants to save the world.
Ok..enough of my sap...hugs and kisses
I really could care less and had no real expectations.
I wonder if my mom hides her fear because on the phone I'm so dry and I sound like a child.
I'm kinda passed masking For family.
Later we got into a discussion about my job hunt.
She began to ramble like parents do about how to job hunt...how to do your resume and what lies to say.
At first I was annoyed because often I feel my mom likes to hear herself talk...especially because as most older people do she doesn't seem to realize how out of touch she is.
She began to complain about my brother who is seeking a new job and he accidentally used me as a reference so I was asking her initially in the conversation what to do. I didn't wanna mess it up for him.
As she went on complaining about him and his lack of motivation and lack of adulting in the world she tells me he's 28 years old.
After that I didn't hear anything else she said.
I felt tears welling up because I didn't realize that's how old he was.
In my mind he was 22 or 23.
As I get older my depression really fucks with my memory. I have lots of gaps where there are no memories.
I now struggle daily to remember little things and I know I could be at a higher risk of dementia.
My great grandmother had it and I think the depression and trauma is exasperating it.
As she went on I thought to myself...damn...I know I feel like the unloved unwanted child.
My brother and sister definitely got more than me.
But at the same time they got the same if not worse then me in regards to not being self sufficient in the world.
My brother lives at home with my mom...my sister is only on her own because of government assistance and her two kids.
I didn't learn how to be on my own till my mid 30s.
To me my mom failed. And immediately I knew I have to get out of here because out of all 3 kids I'm seen as the most reliable and somewhat smart in adulting.
But I'm not and that's been a big issue for me my entire life.
As the world goes on I see it becoming worse. And I don't wanna be here for it.
Once that was done I just sat in silence.
I could start to see the brightness outside become dim.
I could hear people gathering outside to look at the Eclipse.
But I decided to stay in and I always keep my blinds closed.
All of a sudden it got darker.
So even though I struggle with what I believe I decided to pray.
Or maybe we'll call it visualizing.
As the dark crept in I just pictured myself in my kitchen..drinking that special drink.
Dressed in my red leapord print pjs.
I saw myself walk down the hall to my bed..get in..and just quickly pass away.
I pictured the cops breaking down my door to find my dead...but cutely Dressed body in bed...(I know I'm Weird Like That
)Only I would be concerned about how I look when I'm found.
I pictured them going out to tell my mother she's dead.
I felt such a calmness come over me.
I'm terrified of all I imagine but knowing the goal is so worth it.
So I feel like during the Eclipse maybe I manifested my final and successful attempt.
As I could see the sun coming back I went to shower.
For the update.
As yall know I'm struggling with jobs. But today I interviewed at a hotel for night audit.
It went well but something didn't feel right...the energy was hostile and I waited 30 minutes when I arrived early.
But when I got home I checked my VM and the other hotel that ghosted me called to finally give me a schedule for training.
And even though he gave me a start date I have a second interview with a grocery store that I will go to tomorrow.
So we'll see how this plays out.
I just need to be able to keep my place and my car.
I really wanna die at home and I need money for that.
The idea is to work through the summer and have a plan by September.
I know we say here CTB but I worked really hard trying to have a life and I like some little luxuries.
So I will not be CTB I will be UB..Uber Black
I deserve to go out in style and be celebrated in death because I sure didn't get enough in life.
But for now let's see what the rest of April will show me.
Thankyou to all of you for sharing your life with me...caring about my life...and just for being you.
If I had one wish I would sacrifice myself to give yall any and everything you ever wanted and all you need.
I really hate how we suffer and agonize over trying to make life work.
Being a aunt the TiTi in me wishes I could just hold each one of you and let you fall apart until you felt better.
The me that wants to save the world.
Ok..enough of my sap...hugs and kisses
