Hello, long time reader first time poster. This site has helped me through some stuff over the years and last week i had pretty much decided my time had come. I was obviously incorrect as here i am today typing this.
Actually i wouldnt even call what i did last week a real attempt, but it might provide some answers for people who are curious so dispite how embarrassingly stupid i was this is what happened.
i purchased the sn earlier this month with no real plan bc i feel like im out of other options, last week some things happened and i was just done. I went to get a hotel room but for some reason the hotel declined my card but it had money on it but whatever so i go back home where my stupid cheating boyfriend is and i decided fuck him let him find my body and decide to wait until he goes to work.
Except i also decide to try to see what its like so i mix up just a little and take exactly three not exactly huge sips while my cheating pos liar "boyfriend" of five years was asleep next to me.
I felt pretty much fine and thought the slightly weird feeling i had was just emotions and anxiety but then i threw up a little but at this point i didnt think anything was wrong and was still waiting for him to finally leave. He also didnt think anything was wrong, but who cares what he thinks.
My memory of events ends there. I know i didnt drink any more sn and i do remember that i mentioned a seizure to my boyfriend bc i didnt want anyone ruining my plan (that i ruined myself) -i have seizures on a semi regular basis-
He took a shower and i guess i was unconscious and blue when he came back so he called 911 i woke up at a hospital being treated for a siezure and the hospital had no idea it was sn and after two days of being there i signed myself out since they didnt know i had done this as any type of suicide related anything i had no obligation to be there and since i knew medically nothing was actually wrong i didnt feel like i should continue wasting their resources in the middle of a pandemic (im in los angeles and theres a bunch of hospital shortages)
I used nothing other than the sn and i guess i hadnt eaten much but it was more because of my emotional state than preperation or fasting. I dont know if i would have woken up had i not ended up in the hospital. I didnt mean for those couple of sips to do anything at all other than prepare me for what i was going to do in a few hours bc i was like in the zone since i thought i was about to do it at a hotel.
I wouldnt say it was pleasant bc i did throw up and had like an anxious buzzy feeling, but it wasnt much more or really distunguishable from the emotional trauma i was feeling at the time.
I dont know why i havent gone through with the deed since ive been home for a week, nothing to do with the way sn felt. I still have enough to use if i ever have that feeling that my time has come again and i would without a doubt use sn as my method. But im back to feeling like my time is coming up but i should try to do something with myself to make life worth living again before giving up, that being said i have not discarded the remaining sn. I cant explain the feeling i had that day but i have been reading these types of sites for years and have been aware that i probably was going to be the one to pull my own plug my entire life, but never made any type of real attempt before. The feeling i had this day was something i wish i had the words for, it was the thing i knew i would one day feel that would tell me it was time that sort of dully lingered in the back of my mind making things always a little dark for me. But when i finally felt it, it was not dark. It was clarity. It was right. I dont have that feeling anymore. But i feel more at peace having experienced it bc now i know that the weird dull background noise in my head my entire life has a purpose and as crazy as it is, i feel less crazy now.
I hadnt intended to drink enough to make this kind of effect happen but im pretty sure if i had waited like a normal person to just drink the full amount after my "boyfriend" left i would not be here today.
Actually i wouldnt even call what i did last week a real attempt, but it might provide some answers for people who are curious so dispite how embarrassingly stupid i was this is what happened.
i purchased the sn earlier this month with no real plan bc i feel like im out of other options, last week some things happened and i was just done. I went to get a hotel room but for some reason the hotel declined my card but it had money on it but whatever so i go back home where my stupid cheating boyfriend is and i decided fuck him let him find my body and decide to wait until he goes to work.
Except i also decide to try to see what its like so i mix up just a little and take exactly three not exactly huge sips while my cheating pos liar "boyfriend" of five years was asleep next to me.
I felt pretty much fine and thought the slightly weird feeling i had was just emotions and anxiety but then i threw up a little but at this point i didnt think anything was wrong and was still waiting for him to finally leave. He also didnt think anything was wrong, but who cares what he thinks.
My memory of events ends there. I know i didnt drink any more sn and i do remember that i mentioned a seizure to my boyfriend bc i didnt want anyone ruining my plan (that i ruined myself) -i have seizures on a semi regular basis-
He took a shower and i guess i was unconscious and blue when he came back so he called 911 i woke up at a hospital being treated for a siezure and the hospital had no idea it was sn and after two days of being there i signed myself out since they didnt know i had done this as any type of suicide related anything i had no obligation to be there and since i knew medically nothing was actually wrong i didnt feel like i should continue wasting their resources in the middle of a pandemic (im in los angeles and theres a bunch of hospital shortages)
I used nothing other than the sn and i guess i hadnt eaten much but it was more because of my emotional state than preperation or fasting. I dont know if i would have woken up had i not ended up in the hospital. I didnt mean for those couple of sips to do anything at all other than prepare me for what i was going to do in a few hours bc i was like in the zone since i thought i was about to do it at a hotel.
I wouldnt say it was pleasant bc i did throw up and had like an anxious buzzy feeling, but it wasnt much more or really distunguishable from the emotional trauma i was feeling at the time.
I dont know why i havent gone through with the deed since ive been home for a week, nothing to do with the way sn felt. I still have enough to use if i ever have that feeling that my time has come again and i would without a doubt use sn as my method. But im back to feeling like my time is coming up but i should try to do something with myself to make life worth living again before giving up, that being said i have not discarded the remaining sn. I cant explain the feeling i had that day but i have been reading these types of sites for years and have been aware that i probably was going to be the one to pull my own plug my entire life, but never made any type of real attempt before. The feeling i had this day was something i wish i had the words for, it was the thing i knew i would one day feel that would tell me it was time that sort of dully lingered in the back of my mind making things always a little dark for me. But when i finally felt it, it was not dark. It was clarity. It was right. I dont have that feeling anymore. But i feel more at peace having experienced it bc now i know that the weird dull background noise in my head my entire life has a purpose and as crazy as it is, i feel less crazy now.
I hadnt intended to drink enough to make this kind of effect happen but im pretty sure if i had waited like a normal person to just drink the full amount after my "boyfriend" left i would not be here today.
