My SN arrived today

[medicinenightmares]

My SN arrived today and I don't know what how I feel about it.

It doesn't really feel real to be honest. I was expecting that customs would seize it or something even though it is legal. I still feel doubtful that it will kill me because it just feels too easy. It feels illegal and wrong. It doesn't feel real. I think it scares me, the permanency of it all. I've seen many different peoples's threads of them taking it and then passing away, but I feel like I'll screw it up or something. You know that feeling like "it can't happen to me".

I'm just scared.

I'm scared of the pain & discomfort of taking the SN. I'm scared of the act of dying alone. I'm scared of what will happen when I'm gone. I'm scared of becoming nothing. I'm scared of the consequences of what will happen if I survive. I'm scared of staying alive and keep living like I am living, suffering.

I'm just really really sad and hurting and this feels like my only way out.

I haven't set a date yet even though I now have all the supplies (SN, antiemetics, antacid, food scale). This sounds silly but I have a concert on March 6 that I've been waiting for 3 years to go to that I would really love to see before I die, but I don't know if I can live that long. Everything keeps getting worse and I am letting it. I am tired of fighting. I am going to try my best to see that concert and maybe then I'll feel less scared and more prepared.

Until then, I guess I'll just keep trying to pretend to my friends, family, and work that I'm okay. They know it's getting bad, but I am trying to hide how bad it is.

I still have so many logistics to figure out. How do I write a legal will? Am I going to write a suicide note? Do I say any goodbyes? What will I wear? Will I do it in my bathtub or in my bedroom? What will happen with my dog and cat? What day will I do so that I am found fairly quickly to avoid decomposing and leaving a huge mess?

Any words of advice or words of comfort would be appreciated.

 

[pc2022]

Thank you for sharing so eloquently. I've just ordered SN today and it's meant to be arriving on Friday. I imagine I'll feel some of what you're feeling. It's pretty monumental to be taking steps down the road towards suicide. You're very thoughtful about what you're leaving behind. I really commend you for that. I wish I could bring myself to be that way inclined. For me, I just want to get into a hotel room and do it. And I say that as someone who is married with a ten-year-old kid.

 

[Auto Immunity After]

I understand how you feel now that you have it in hand. The fact you have it does not mean you have to set a date to use it. Many people have SN, N with no immediate plans to use it....you may never use it so please dont start a countdown on your life just yet. Sometimes knowing you have the option is enough for some people just to know they have control over their destiny as to a Plan B. Good luck to you.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

Mine is still in its shipping box and has never been opened.

I have been surprised by the power that box has over me. It seems too ordinary to be so dangerous and too dangerous to be so ordinary.

I have felt better, though, in knowing that the option exists.

I do think of throwing it away sometimes but I am too afraid of not being able to replace it, so here it stays.

 

[medicinenightmares]

Thank you for sharing so eloquently. I've just ordered SN today and it's meant to be arriving on Friday. I imagine I'll feel some of what you're feeling. It's pretty monumental to be taking steps down the road towards suicide. You're very thoughtful about what you're leaving behind. I really commend you for that. I wish I could bring myself to be that way inclined. For me, I just want to get into a hotel room and do it. And I say that as someone who is married with a ten-year-old kid.

It is a really big step to be planning your own death. I don't think people were ever meant to prepare and plan their deaths. It just feels so wrong and unnatural to me anyways. I think it says a lot that we put so much effort and research into our plans, and it brings me so much sadness that we are suffering so much to be at this point. Like there's no other option.

With that, I am so sorry that your hardships had led you to this decision. I can't even imagine how hard it must be to even make that decision when you have a partner and kid to leave behind. I hope that you can find peace within yourself and to be compassionate with yourself. If you think it would ease your mind a bit, I would consider leaving something small behind for your partner & kid to offer a bit of comfort, but I don't know your situation so do what you think would be best.

 

[forgotten15]

I got mine yesterday. I cannot put into words the relief I felt holding it in my hands while getting out of the post office. I was a bit nervous someone would question me about the package, but it all went okay. Knowing I have it now and I can use whenever I want it's the best feeling ever. Even though there is nothing left for me here and I am so depressed, I don't know exactly when I will use it. It's a hard decision to take and my SI is very high. But anyway, I am at peace now that I have it, it's just a matter of time until I am out of this hell.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are in so much pain. I know this life can be unbearable when you are suffering so much. I understand that it can be dreadful when things just get worse. At least having the SN means you have a way to exit when the time is right for you. It is understandable having all these fears as after all this existence is all we know. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Kristicide]

All your feelings are OK to have. You don't have to rush to do it if you're not comfortable yet. Or if you find a time when you've decided then great. No right or wrong answers. It is very natural to be scared of death. That's human. People who aren't suicidal are also scared of it. We're scared of the unknown. And because it's impossible to talk to a dead person to ask how it was for them we can only speculate. We get information from people who've experienced near death events. Since each situation and person is unique it hard to know how it will be when our time comes. One thing is certain - whether we choose to ctb or not we'll all be faced with our own death one day.

 

[lanahelp]

I understand how you feel now that you have it in hand. The fact you have it does not mean you have to set a date to use it. Many people have SN, N with no immediate plans to use it....you may never use it so please dont start a countdown on your life just yet. Sometimes knowing you have the option is enough for some people just to know they have control over their destiny as to a Plan B. Good luck to you.

My SN arrived today as well. In my worst nightmare, I could never have imagined depression, let alone, suicide. Horrific symptoms from Lyme Disease and its consequences have just driven me over the edge. I have the antimetic. How can I do this to my loved ones? But how can I live another day in complete depersonalization, derealization, and utter terror? Do I trust in the possibility of healing through more treatment? All rhetorical... I'm so scared... I empathize with everyone suffering.
I need guidance though I know there is the Stan thread... I received 2 packages of SN from Canada today. Each says 50g e. How much do I ingest? Both? Can the contents be exposed to air pre-usage? How quickly does the end come after ingestion?

 

[Auto Immunity After]

My SN arrived today as well. In my worst nightmare, I could never have imagined depression, let alone, suicide. Horrific symptoms from Lyme Disease and its consequences have just driven me over the edge. I have the antimetic. How can I do this to my loved ones? But how can I live another day in complete depersonalization, derealization, and utter terror? Do I trust in the possibility of healing through more treatment? All rhetorical... I'm so scared... I empathize with everyone suffering.
I need guidance though I know there is the Stan thread... I received 2 packages of SN from Canada today. Each says 50g e. How much do I ingest? Both? Can the contents be exposed to air pre-usage? How quickly does the end come after ingestion?

Well first thing first.. You received the order so you can relax about customs . I know what packages you are referring to. NO, do not open or take both bags. According to the PPeH and Stans Megathread on SN, 25grams mixed with 50mls of water is the recipe. It is worth adding that recently a medical student ingested 2mg of SN not to CTB, but to see if the hospital could identify what he had taken. He ended up closer to death than he imagined but his detailed account did show that maybe 25grams is overkill . So half of one bag is 25grams.

You should read the Megathread on SN that will answer all your questions. The fact that you have this now doesnt mean the clock is ticking and you need to use it before a certain date.

I know a lot about Lyme disease and it is not only physically debilitating but even worse psychologically if you are not properly diagnosed. Nobody can tell you what to do next. I hope you can find a resolution with your Dr and medications or at least some relief. Keep all your options open for as long as you can. Good Luck.

 

[sepetuk4s]

Damn you all get it so easily ..And i'm struggling for weeks to get one ..Can someone DM me where to get it in US...?