my SN arrived today.

[degeneratewaste]

as the title reads: today my SN arrived, the final piece to my puzzle. I now have all the supplies needed - propanolol, cimetidine, metoclopramide and SN - to take my own life. it all feels so close and tangible, yet so far away; I am unable to compute that I now have my hands on a very real poison that can take away my struggles in less than an hour. it's right there in front of me, but I still feel so unsure.

in recent months, I have truly derailed. I'm alone; my mental health is at an all time low, and every day is such a massive push to even keep myself alive with basic function. I find it too hard to cook for myself, eat anything, clean up after myself or sometimes even bathe. I know most people here experience similar, but this is the worst my depression has ever been. I've tried to get help for years on end, when it wasn't so bad or hard to handle, and got nothing. I recently got referred to a mental health service after using my last available energy to push, for one last cry for help. I thought maybe they would take notice, when I told them all my terrible symptoms, traumas and struggles, and still all I get is waiting 3-4 weeks each time before I can talk to them for another 20 minutes with them doing basically FUCK ALL. if someone as broken as me can't get help, then the system is truly fucked. this is why I am at this point, this crossroad. I don't have any more energy to do this.

I thought that having the SN would bring me some comfort, maybe some clarity, even. yet, with this means to an end so close that I can almost taste it (yum, delicious salt water.), everything is as murky as ever. I'm starting to doubt myself - I'm at the lowest point I've ever been, and I've never wanted to die more, but surely if I am this indecisive then inside I must want to live?

it's sad. because if I actually had access to real mental health care from the moment my symptoms started, then I probably wouldn't be so fucked in the first place. thank you NHS and thank you Boris fucking Johnson and the Tory Party. stupid bunch of cunts. anyways, I don't know what I'm saying here. I feel trapped. like suicide is the only option. even if I wanted to recover the resources here are not anywhere near enough, and it's not like I can afford private healthcare. looks like I'm gonna die of suicide at some point, and I don't know when. but everything is really making it feel like it will be soon.

and it hurts, oh it hurts.

 

[Symbiote]

I've been using mine as a "safety net". I know I have it, I know what it can do, and it's just sitting there in my hiding spot for a good while now. I take solace that I can leave the world anytime I want to, but do I really really want to? I stopped relying on mental health professionals, but for me my situation just involves removing myself from a toxic environment and placing myself somewhere else where I can attempt to heal. Gotta give myself a chance at something before I commit again. It's the decisions we make that decide our fate. Have we tried this yet? Is there another thing we can attempt to fix? Once all options are exhausted and all things feel hopeless from a rational perspective, then we can take our leave.

 

[stygal]

My heart goes out to you, degeneratewaste.
I feel just as trapped (for different reasons though) and sense how scary it is to actually take the final step.
I have no advice other then to think about every option available and really take your time.
Now that you have everything you have no need to rush (I hope).
Whatever you do...lots of people here will support you <3

 

[degeneratewaste]

I've been using mine as a "safety net". I know I have it, I know what it can do, and it's just sitting there in my hiding spot for a good while now. I take solace that I can leave the world anytime I want to, but do I really really want to? I stopped relying on mental health professionals, but for me my situation just involves removing myself from a toxic environment and placing myself somewhere else where I can attempt to heal. Gotta give myself a chance at something before I commit again. It's the decisions we make that decide our fate. Have we tried this yet? Is there another thing we can attempt to fix? Once all options are exhausted and all things feel hopeless from a rational perspective, then we can take our leave.

yeah, I think this is what I'm going to do... use it as a 'safety net'. but for me, there is nothing else I really can do, other than rely on help. I'm no longer being victimised by those people that hurt me in the past, physically I am safe and there is nothing to do to help myself otherwise. I don't have the energy to function as a person, and I can't escape my disturbing thoughts and flashbacks from the past. all I am doing is going stale; festering. I am getting worse by the day. the only thing I can really do to try and help myself is speak to mental healthcare people, and as I said before, that's pretty much redundant. it fucking sucks.

I hope you can get out of your toxic environment, and I really hope that it can help you.

 

[shay23]

it's sad. because if I actually had access to real mental health care from the moment my symptoms started, then I probably wouldn't be so fucked in the first place. thank you NHS and thank you Boris fucking Johnson and the Tory Party. stupid bunch of cunts. anyways, I don't know what I'm saying here. I feel trapped. like suicide is the only option. even if I wanted to recover the resources here are not anywhere near enough, and it's not like I can afford private healthcare. looks like I'm gonna die of suicide at some point, and I don't know when. but everything is really making it feel like it will be soon.

I'm sorry you've been forced into this position, the conservatives have blood on their hands. I'm also in a similar predicament as I don't want to die but I feel like I have to as there is no help or support available to me. I was on a waiting list for three years to be told "borderline personality isn't real", the day after I was hospitalised I was told not to come back if I get worse after almost dying from suicide, I've been told that because I showered one week that means I'm not depressed and I was also told by male doctors I am "slim and attractive" so therefore I have no worries apparently. It's so fucked up that people are being dismissed and invalidated. Suicide could be preventable to some degree but there is no help available.
If you ever need to talk to someone who has gone through something similar, please feel free to message me. Sending you love and light, take care of yourself

 

[Symbiote]

yeah, I think this is what I'm going to do... use it as a 'safety net'. but for me, there is nothing else I really can do, other than rely on help. I'm no longer being victimised by those people that hurt me in the past, physically I am safe and there is nothing to do to help myself otherwise. I don't have the energy to function as a person, and I can't escape my disturbing thoughts and flashbacks from the past. all I am doing is going stale; festering. I am getting worse by the day. the only thing I can really do to try and help myself is speak to mental healthcare people, and as I said before, that's pretty much redundant. it fucking sucks.

I hope you can get out of your toxic environment, and I really hope that it can help you.

I'm afraid of reaching stagnation after I get myself out of my environment. That's when all the flashbacks and thoughts come in. I do intend to move to a bigger city where I can disappear into the unknown, work hard so I can travel more, and try to live it up again. Try to keep the bad thoughts and memories away as long as I can again. I hope you can find your spark too!

 

[degeneratewaste]

I'm sorry you've been forced into this position, the conservatives have blood on their hands. I'm also in a similar predicament as I don't want to die but I feel like I have to as there is no help or support available to me. I was on a waiting list for three years to be told "borderline personality isn't real", the day after I was hospitalised I was told not to come back if I get worse after almost dying from suicide, I've been told that because I showered one week that means I'm not depressed and I was also told by male doctors I am "slim and attractive" so therefore I have no worries apparently. It's so fucked up that people are being dismissed and invalidated. Suicide could be preventable to some degree but there is no help available.
If you ever need to talk to someone who has gone through something similar, please feel free to message me. Sending you love and light, take care of yourself

I am really sorry that you're in this position, too. fuck this country. and yes, I have often said, if I go through with this, it's blood on the Conservatives' hands. however, it's not like they would even give a fuck, at the end of the day, about us poor working class people and our struggles, so long as them and their rich mates have their pockets lined. fuck all the doctors that invalidated you.

I may be struggling, but I am here for you, too, if you need. I am trying to use these troubled days speaking to people and trying to help them, because it helps me. you are so brave <3 and big love to yourself too.

 

[OopsIdidntwanttodie]

yeah, I think this is what I'm going to do... use it as a 'safety net'. but for me, there is nothing else I really can do, other than rely on help. I'm no longer being victimised by those people that hurt me in the past, physically I am safe and there is nothing to do to help myself otherwise. I don't have the energy to function as a person, and I can't escape my disturbing thoughts and flashbacks from the past. all I am doing is going stale; festering. I am getting worse by the day. the only thing I can really do to try and help myself is speak to mental healthcare people, and as I said before, that's pretty much redundant. it fucking sucks.

Every word you said in this post resonates with me so much and sums up all the mental anguish i've been experiencing all this time. I agree with what you said about being stale and how mentally, things are getting worse even after the abusers are gone. Reading how others have gone through such lengths to save themselves, yet still end up in the same square makes me shake my head. How can people so easily recommend professional help and assume it's the answer to all problems? People like us, that have not gone anywhere with mental health care, are proof that it doesn't work for everyone. Assuming so is ignorant. I don't know what to say. Honestly, I'm going down the same path as you, with SN being my safety net. All this time, nothing has worked. Why does it have to be this way? It really does hurt waking up everyday and facing how cruel this fate is. I want to help myself and others but the overall feeling is powerlessness and thats a stab in my chest.

 

[MichaelNomad123]

as the title reads: today my SN arrived, the final piece to my puzzle. I now have all the supplies needed - propanolol, cimetidine, metoclopramide and SN - to take my own life. it all feels so close and tangible, yet so far away; I am unable to compute that I now have my hands on a very real poison that can take away my struggles in less than an hour. it's right there in front of me, but I still feel so unsure.

in recent months, I have truly derailed. I'm alone; my mental health is at an all time low, and every day is such a massive push to even keep myself alive with basic function. I find it too hard to cook for myself, eat anything, clean up after myself or sometimes even bathe. I know most people here experience similar, but this is the worst my depression has ever been. I've tried to get help for years on end, when it wasn't so bad or hard to handle, and got nothing. I recently got referred to a mental health service after using my last available energy to push, for one last cry for help. I thought maybe they would take notice, when I told them all my terrible symptoms, traumas and struggles, and still all I get is waiting 3-4 weeks each time before I can talk to them for another 20 minutes with them doing basically FUCK ALL. if someone as broken as me can't get help, then the system is truly fucked. this is why I am at this point, this crossroad. I don't have any more energy to do this.

I thought that having the SN would bring me some comfort, maybe some clarity, even. yet, with this means to an end so close that I can almost taste it (yum, delicious salt water.), everything is as murky as ever. I'm starting to doubt myself - I'm at the lowest point I've ever been, and I've never wanted to die more, but surely if I am this indecisive then inside I must want to live?

it's sad. because if I actually had access to real mental health care from the moment my symptoms started, then I probably wouldn't be so fucked in the first place. thank you NHS and thank you Boris fucking Johnson and the Tory Party. stupid bunch of cunts. anyways, I don't know what I'm saying here. I feel trapped. like suicide is the only option. even if I wanted to recover the resources here are not anywhere near enough, and it's not like I can afford private healthcare. looks like I'm gonna die of suicide at some point, and I don't know when. but everything is really making it feel like it will be soon.

and it hurts, oh it hurts.

I think you have the strength and tools to see you through this dark patch. I think that it's okay to put the SN away in the cupboard as a last option, just as much as it's okay to have ordered it in the first place. If you are indecisive, then you are indecisive. There is nothing wrong with existing in limbo. It is no small choice. I'm sitting on my CTB too. I don't talk about it, but it's there. It brings me comfort and strength to have it as a form of control in a life that I've felt has been out of control. I think this is why you have yours and I think that is commendable.

As for the practical problems you're facing -- I feel as if there is a solution. I know that's annoying to hear from some stranger, because you are trying your best to get a work around. I've been tinkering with the idea of getting in contact with mental health folks on the NHS recently too, but I feel as if I'll get blown off because of all the Covid stuff. Perhaps it's playing a part in your difficulties too.

I think that a place like this is a good temporary solution. A plaster for a cut, you know. Vent and relate. It helps. I've been trying to do the same by opening up a bit. You will feel trapped now, but perhaps it's less about being trapped and more about being as an impasse. Eventually you will find a way around, even if you can't see it yet. Remember that everything is impossible, until it's obvious. And hey, if all else fails, then there's always your last card up your sleeve. You get the final say.

 

[degeneratewaste]

Every word you said in this post resonates with me so much and sums up all the mental anguish i've been experiencing all this time. I agree with what you said about being stale and how mentally, things are getting worse even after the abusers are gone. Reading how others have gone through such lengths to save themselves, yet still end up in the same square makes me shake my head. How can people so easily recommend professional help and assume it's the answer to all problems? People like us, that have not gone anywhere with mental health care, are proof that it doesn't work for everyone. Assuming so is ignorant. I don't know what to say. Honestly, I'm going down the same path as you, with SN being my safety net. All this time, nothing has worked. Why does it have to be this way? It really does hurt waking up everyday and facing how cruel this fate is. I want to help myself and others but the overall feeling is powerlessness and thats a stab in my chest.

I'm so sorry you can relate so heavily to all of this. all I can say is; you are not alone. if you need anything or anyone to listen, please drop me a PM, it seems our circumstances are very similar. big hugs.

 

[Silver]

I'm glad you received the SN. It looks so innocuous, doesn't it?

I'm sorry you're not receiving any help for your mental health. I understand how it is when everything get ignored and you get left on your own. A similar thing happened to me in the summer, I was beginning to get worse mentally and I asked if I could be referred to the community mental health team, it was refused and I was referred to this social prescribing team instead. I talked to a woman from that on two occasions and she was baffled how to go forward because I have no goals to work towards, so I was discharged from that. Currently my functioning is pretty low: sleeping a lot, just eating ready meals etc, watching TV all day, constantly bored but no motivation to change anything. I'm not sure how to move forward from this but it won't be with the NHS's help lol :( All I can suggest is badger your GP for some help.

 

[degeneratewaste]

I'm glad you received the SN. It looks so innocuous, doesn't it?

I'm sorry you're not receiving any help for your mental health. I understand how it is when everything get ignored and you get left on your own. A similar thing happened to me in the summer, I was beginning to get worse mentally and I asked if I could be referred to the community mental health team, it was refused and I was referred to this social prescribing team instead. I talked to a woman from that on two occasions and she was baffled how to go forward because I have no goals to work towards, so I was discharged from that. Currently my functioning is pretty low: sleeping a lot, just eating ready meals etc, watching TV all day, constantly bored but no motivation to change anything. I'm not sure how to move forward from this but it won't be with the NHS's help lol :( All I can suggest is badger your GP for some help.

yeah I badgered the GP for 8 years and only just got referred to a mental health team, literally feels like I will never get any mental help unless I make a serious attempt on my life first - and even then that's debatable (I had a friend that OD'd and she got discharged from hospital mere hours later after having her stomach pumped with no follow up at all). my nurse guy knows that I have plans for ctb and have several awful symptoms like self harm, trauma flashbacks/nightmares, lethargy, unable to eat properly or work, if I go into any pressured setting I have a tremor/panic attacks, constant mood swings and severe dissociation and I'm still being treated as if it's nothing, I don't get how doctors can just shrug off their patients saying they have literally got plans for ctb but it's whatever. it's just fucking ridiculous we get treated like this then as soon as someone ctb's it's all 'they should have reached out for help, they were loved:(' etc etc absolute horseshit. stupid ass country, I'm sorry you've had similar experiences :-(

 

[AJ95]

We all love you so much @degeneratewaste

I'm glad you finally have the option to go

 

[builtwrong]

Damn, it's a shame it had to get to this point. You're one of the realest people on this forum and you've been fighting the good fight better than I could've wished to. You didn't deserve all the shit you've been put through but I hope you find peace somehow, be it in the options the SN has opened for you or elsewhere. You deserve it

 

[degeneratewaste]

Damn, it's a shame it had to get to this point. You're one of the realest people on this forum and you've been fighting the good fight better than I could've wished to. You didn't deserve all the shit you've been put through but I hope you find peace somehow, be it in the options the SN has opened for you or elsewhere. You deserve it

thankyou so much man. i appreciate you always, you a real one too for sure. i'll drop you a pm before i leave if i do <3

We all love you so much @degeneratewaste

I'm glad you finally have the option to go

i love you too <3

 

[Deleted member 23774]

I can totally relate to everything you said. I've been through a lot of crap and caused a lot also. I can barely even function. I'm an adult, but it is very hard for me to even handle my basic needs. I feel like death is my only option. I totally have everything that I need to ctb, but I keep putting off taking care of the stuff that I need to do first. I have no idea what I'm waiting for. I'm alone and I totally feel trapped. There is no point of even being here anymore, I'm not really living and I'm barely even surviving.

 

[The Bell Jar]

as the title reads: today my SN arrived, the final piece to my puzzle. I now have all the supplies needed - propanolol, cimetidine, metoclopramide and SN - to take my own life. it all feels so close and tangible, yet so far away; I am unable to compute that I now have my hands on a very real poison that can take away my struggles in less than an hour. it's right there in front of me, but I still feel so unsure.

in recent months, I have truly derailed. I'm alone; my mental health is at an all time low, and every day is such a massive push to even keep myself alive with basic function. I find it too hard to cook for myself, eat anything, clean up after myself or sometimes even bathe. I know most people here experience similar, but this is the worst my depression has ever been. I've tried to get help for years on end, when it wasn't so bad or hard to handle, and got nothing. I recently got referred to a mental health service after using my last available energy to push, for one last cry for help. I thought maybe they would take notice, when I told them all my terrible symptoms, traumas and struggles, and still all I get is waiting 3-4 weeks each time before I can talk to them for another 20 minutes with them doing basically FUCK ALL. if someone as broken as me can't get help, then the system is truly fucked. this is why I am at this point, this crossroad. I don't have any more energy to do this.

I thought that having the SN would bring me some comfort, maybe some clarity, even. yet, with this means to an end so close that I can almost taste it (yum, delicious salt water.), everything is as murky as ever. I'm starting to doubt myself - I'm at the lowest point I've ever been, and I've never wanted to die more, but surely if I am this indecisive then inside I must want to live?

it's sad. because if I actually had access to real mental health care from the moment my symptoms started, then I probably wouldn't be so fucked in the first place. thank you NHS and thank you Boris fucking Johnson and the Tory Party. stupid bunch of cunts. anyways, I don't know what I'm saying here. I feel trapped. like suicide is the only option. even if I wanted to recover the resources here are not anywhere near enough, and it's not like I can afford private healthcare. looks like I'm gonna die of suicide at some point, and I don't know when. but everything is really making it feel like it will be soon.

and it hurts, oh it hurts.

Hey....u still with us?

 

[degeneratewaste]

Hey....u still with us?

yes.

 

[The Bell Jar]

Hugs.

 

[hoping to lose hope]

OP it seems as if maybe you just wish you could get help and that is not currently possible but are there other services maybe not for profits who woud be able to help?
I know all this takes energy and you can just kys which is your choice but consider it.

 

[dropdeadfred]

in recent months, I have truly derailed. I'm alone; my mental health is at an all time low, and every day is such a massive push to even keep myself alive with basic function. I find it too hard to cook for myself, eat anything, clean up after myself or sometimes even bathe. I know most people here experience similar, but this is the worst my depression has ever been.

Holy shit! Hey, me! What are you doing on degen's profile? Add hard to keep up on brushing teeth & we are a complete match.
So sorry you're in such a place. I am with you.