helba
Member
- Jul 9, 2022
- 12
I want to be free of this crushing obligation to take care of others, to continue existing solely so they can feel okay. I do not want to be here, I am tired of trying to make this not the case.
All my attempts to get better at this point and to hold on have been purely for the sake of staying in their lives so they are not hurt. There is always another birthday, another marriage, another [insert milestone life event] that I shouldn't ruin for others by following what I know is the best plan for me. How many years can I go on like this? Caring so much for others feelings that crushes me? I am barely here. I'm being supported by alcoholism and any other mild substance I can find just to cope.
I've suffered so long, for the majority of my life. I have given everything I could into seeking help, trying to recover with enumerable methods. (I calculated it once, and I could have made a good down payment on a house by now with all the money I put into treatment of various kinds.) For myself, I consider my choice of suicide a great act of self love and compassion. Finally doing so would mean that I would be, at last, listening to myself and taking the best action plan to mitigate my pain.
But a nagging voice continues to interrupt me and torture me, telling me that everyone else's feelings matter more. So many times I feel like everyone else is a stakeholder of my very life, and I have no final say in the matter. And so I oscillate.
I want to honor myself and my decision, without the unwanted guest of unbearable guilt and obligation. I think my deepening exhaustion will win one day. Recently in small, unplanned and surprising moments, I can attain this state of mind for a little. I feel freedom and state of self compassion that is otherwise absent in my life. I just want to carry on with this feeling long enough to finally take my exit.
I don't know if this made much sense. I feel like there are so many other thoughts that I can't seem to form into words. But I just wanted to vent, and scream my poorly formed thoughts into the void.
I'm so grateful for this forum and as always, I'm sending love your way.
All my attempts to get better at this point and to hold on have been purely for the sake of staying in their lives so they are not hurt. There is always another birthday, another marriage, another [insert milestone life event] that I shouldn't ruin for others by following what I know is the best plan for me. How many years can I go on like this? Caring so much for others feelings that crushes me? I am barely here. I'm being supported by alcoholism and any other mild substance I can find just to cope.
I've suffered so long, for the majority of my life. I have given everything I could into seeking help, trying to recover with enumerable methods. (I calculated it once, and I could have made a good down payment on a house by now with all the money I put into treatment of various kinds.) For myself, I consider my choice of suicide a great act of self love and compassion. Finally doing so would mean that I would be, at last, listening to myself and taking the best action plan to mitigate my pain.
But a nagging voice continues to interrupt me and torture me, telling me that everyone else's feelings matter more. So many times I feel like everyone else is a stakeholder of my very life, and I have no final say in the matter. And so I oscillate.
I want to honor myself and my decision, without the unwanted guest of unbearable guilt and obligation. I think my deepening exhaustion will win one day. Recently in small, unplanned and surprising moments, I can attain this state of mind for a little. I feel freedom and state of self compassion that is otherwise absent in my life. I just want to carry on with this feeling long enough to finally take my exit.
I don't know if this made much sense. I feel like there are so many other thoughts that I can't seem to form into words. But I just wanted to vent, and scream my poorly formed thoughts into the void.
I'm so grateful for this forum and as always, I'm sending love your way.