Cosmiq
Student
- May 7, 2020
- 197
I just felt like I had to get this out, while I have talked about this a bit with people around me I never mentioned that it's played a huge roll in me feeling the intense pain and wanting to ctb a lot sooner than I planned. That I can't endure and wait and hope that my sister comes around and changes her mind.
I'm 30, and I came out at 15. My parents didn't full-on reject me, but was more in denial of it before eventually coming around. I never realized that I was never rejected by anyone whose opinion really mattered to me. Sure some kids tried to bully me in high school, and people reacted to me coming out. But most of the kids that did so in a negative way usually made themselves look like idiots as I because I had my own comebacks.
I never had an official talk with her, but I knew she was okay because she showed a positive interest in my life and was fine with me bringing girls around. I'm not sure but at some point, she decided it was a sin, and said she assumed it was a phase despite me never having a boyfriend, and didn't want this displayed in front of her children. This all happened earlier this year. It wasn't her thinking of me negatively that tore me down, or that I thought highly of her opinion. It's more that I'd grown extremely attached to my niece and nephews and became overwhelmed with them being taught to dismiss or to find a part of me disgusting. Or that they wouldn't be allowed a gay friend, or that she couldn't answer how she'd feel if one of them were gay. After I came out of the psych ward, the worst part was having everyone look at me with pity or shame or like I was broken. The kids just saw me the same silly aunt, that saw more as a big kid rather than an adult shouting out demands. I took them to movies because I genuinely wanted to see animated kids movies and enjoyed them. I still like legos, and ideal living space I'd have a hot wheels track going around my entire apartment. I spoke to them like I did my own friends but with less profanity. I had a debate with a 5 yr old on why the HotDog song from a mickey mouse show was not as good as a song about potatoes.
Anyway, I only bring this all up because having them ripped from life kind pushed me to feel like ctb a lot earlier because the pain of it overwhelms me. I recall the conversation and I wanted to leap off my balcony, and maybe if I lived on the 9th floor or my building was a few floors higher, I would have absolutely done it. I only didn't do it because I knew I'd live and would be left with broken bones if not worse by jumping from the from a lower height and it'd make it a whole lot more difficult if I ended up in a wheelchair.
Before I wanted to try to stick around as long as I could to make sure they'd actually remember me, but so I could also provide an additional adult voice in their lives. An example is that my niece who's 10, loves unicorns and was happy to be one for Halloween. But when kids in her grade said they were showing up as the clown from It and scary costumes because they weren't babies she felt a lot less confident. My sister and mom told her, to still wear it but it didn't make her feel any better. I talked to her and said it didn't matter what those kids said. I'd never worn a scary costume because I always preferred to be someone cool like Aladdin, Hercules, and Mulan vs something ugly and scary, and that those kids were probably ugly on the inside whereas she had magic on the inside lol. I mentioned she should attempt at being proud of the things she likes, because later she might feel regret for not doing something she otherwise enjoyed. I pointed out that there will always be someone that will find a way to dislike something that she liked. Like the fact that I like chocolate while she doesn't, but it's not gonna keep me from enjoying chocolate. When I saw her on Halloween she told me she wore her costume and felt really proud to wear it. It's very difficult for me to think of happy moments in my life, but a great deal of them that don't feel superficial because I was intoxicated/influence has happened around my niece and nephews.
When this first happened, I was told by friends, and even my psychiatrist that I should lie to my sister, pretend that I was straight to still enjoy time with my niece and nephews. That even though they weren't allowed to read or enjoy Harry Potter I could still have them enjoy it during their time spent with me. But I feel like I'd rather have them decide that didn't agree with their parents' views on their own vs try to influence them to go against their parents or to lie to them who for the most part have raised them to be wonderful and kind.
Now I have an anxiety attack nearly every time I interact with my family, like I'm afraid that I can be rejected further. My sister keeps presenting it as if it's an option, that if denounce my being gay and show no traits than I can be around them again. But like even though there's no right way to look gay, I have been called a faggot and dyke in the same day with people yelling it from their cars on the street as they pass me. Literally can't write about this or talk about this without heavy crying until my eyes burn and I feel out of breath. After I was committed to the psych ward I felt pretty traumatized, after a while some things felt less intense and happened less often except for my fear of hospitals and ambulances. But it's like interaction with my sister reactivated all those things. I think the hospital had so an effect was mostly because of the number of decisions and control I had was taken away from me. And while I could go against my sister, I feel that once again I've lost control, and going against her wouldn't truly benefit the kids.
I'm 30, and I came out at 15. My parents didn't full-on reject me, but was more in denial of it before eventually coming around. I never realized that I was never rejected by anyone whose opinion really mattered to me. Sure some kids tried to bully me in high school, and people reacted to me coming out. But most of the kids that did so in a negative way usually made themselves look like idiots as I because I had my own comebacks.
I never had an official talk with her, but I knew she was okay because she showed a positive interest in my life and was fine with me bringing girls around. I'm not sure but at some point, she decided it was a sin, and said she assumed it was a phase despite me never having a boyfriend, and didn't want this displayed in front of her children. This all happened earlier this year. It wasn't her thinking of me negatively that tore me down, or that I thought highly of her opinion. It's more that I'd grown extremely attached to my niece and nephews and became overwhelmed with them being taught to dismiss or to find a part of me disgusting. Or that they wouldn't be allowed a gay friend, or that she couldn't answer how she'd feel if one of them were gay. After I came out of the psych ward, the worst part was having everyone look at me with pity or shame or like I was broken. The kids just saw me the same silly aunt, that saw more as a big kid rather than an adult shouting out demands. I took them to movies because I genuinely wanted to see animated kids movies and enjoyed them. I still like legos, and ideal living space I'd have a hot wheels track going around my entire apartment. I spoke to them like I did my own friends but with less profanity. I had a debate with a 5 yr old on why the HotDog song from a mickey mouse show was not as good as a song about potatoes.
Anyway, I only bring this all up because having them ripped from life kind pushed me to feel like ctb a lot earlier because the pain of it overwhelms me. I recall the conversation and I wanted to leap off my balcony, and maybe if I lived on the 9th floor or my building was a few floors higher, I would have absolutely done it. I only didn't do it because I knew I'd live and would be left with broken bones if not worse by jumping from the from a lower height and it'd make it a whole lot more difficult if I ended up in a wheelchair.
Before I wanted to try to stick around as long as I could to make sure they'd actually remember me, but so I could also provide an additional adult voice in their lives. An example is that my niece who's 10, loves unicorns and was happy to be one for Halloween. But when kids in her grade said they were showing up as the clown from It and scary costumes because they weren't babies she felt a lot less confident. My sister and mom told her, to still wear it but it didn't make her feel any better. I talked to her and said it didn't matter what those kids said. I'd never worn a scary costume because I always preferred to be someone cool like Aladdin, Hercules, and Mulan vs something ugly and scary, and that those kids were probably ugly on the inside whereas she had magic on the inside lol. I mentioned she should attempt at being proud of the things she likes, because later she might feel regret for not doing something she otherwise enjoyed. I pointed out that there will always be someone that will find a way to dislike something that she liked. Like the fact that I like chocolate while she doesn't, but it's not gonna keep me from enjoying chocolate. When I saw her on Halloween she told me she wore her costume and felt really proud to wear it. It's very difficult for me to think of happy moments in my life, but a great deal of them that don't feel superficial because I was intoxicated/influence has happened around my niece and nephews.
When this first happened, I was told by friends, and even my psychiatrist that I should lie to my sister, pretend that I was straight to still enjoy time with my niece and nephews. That even though they weren't allowed to read or enjoy Harry Potter I could still have them enjoy it during their time spent with me. But I feel like I'd rather have them decide that didn't agree with their parents' views on their own vs try to influence them to go against their parents or to lie to them who for the most part have raised them to be wonderful and kind.
Now I have an anxiety attack nearly every time I interact with my family, like I'm afraid that I can be rejected further. My sister keeps presenting it as if it's an option, that if denounce my being gay and show no traits than I can be around them again. But like even though there's no right way to look gay, I have been called a faggot and dyke in the same day with people yelling it from their cars on the street as they pass me. Literally can't write about this or talk about this without heavy crying until my eyes burn and I feel out of breath. After I was committed to the psych ward I felt pretty traumatized, after a while some things felt less intense and happened less often except for my fear of hospitals and ambulances. But it's like interaction with my sister reactivated all those things. I think the hospital had so an effect was mostly because of the number of decisions and control I had was taken away from me. And while I could go against my sister, I feel that once again I've lost control, and going against her wouldn't truly benefit the kids.
