selfeater
it’s my fault for being me
- Jan 11, 2024
- 11
If you clicked on this let warn you in advance to not waste whatever life you have on the pathetic complaining. I'm not worth your time, this post isn't worth your fucking time.
For context my family and I are traveling overseas to do my grandma last rites, visiting her house. My sister who is with us has bipolar and has been hospitalized for a suicide attempt about 6 years and has been hospitalized mentally many times. I relate to her and her situation a lot and I try to be understanding with the symptoms with her illnesses, it's not her fault, etc. but sometimes it gets to me.
Let me ramble I guess.
The first day we arrive in the afternoon so we didn't do much since we were all jet lagged. When nighttime comes and it comes time to decide sleeping arrangements she makes it clear she doesn't want to share a room with anyone else, shooting sharp comments at my parents brother and me who are present. So yeah bad start already.
Second day: my sister locks herself in her room. We try to invite her to go out, run errands, go shopping etc. but she's not interested. She refuses to come drink tea and eat with us, my mom has to bring her food. my other sister and her boyfriend arrive, she still in her room. In the evening we go to a fancy restaurant, she's making us run late. My sister and I go to investigate and she's sitting in her room. She bursts into tears, crying about the bug bites on her arm that are making her hand swell. I understand she's still processing my grandma's death making her more volatile so this doesn't bother me too much. She ends up coming to dinner with us though, albeit being in a grumpy mood the entire time.
Today, the third day is what set me off. The morning was fine, we have tea and my sister joins us for breakfast. We had haircuts booked and so my two sisters, my mom and I headed off. At the end my sister still manages to be upset, bunching her new haircut into a ponytail annoyed that the stylist "curled her hair too much" when she asked for it be curled? This is not a really a big deal, none of this so far has really bothered me. Here's what bothered me. In the evening again we has dinner with a relative. It might've been the alcohol my sister drank but she really brightened up. She was finally joining conversations and interacting with other people. I have to admit, I was getting tired and it was getting late so my patience was running low.
So my sister starts talking about how people nowadays have "no manners" and that she's happy our mom instilled in us basic manners like holding the door for others, etc. This pissed me off. The late few days she'd been nothing but rude, pushing away everyone, and not appreciating anyone's help. I can understand acting the way she did and apologize for it but she does no such thing. She starts going into her ooey gooey mode, acting like a total angel, her kindness dial turned up to the max. The thing is, taking into account her previous outbursts all of it comes off as so ingenious. It makes me feel sick. I feel annoyed even now.
I doubt anyone's reading but I guess this is hypocritical of me. I can't retort saying I appreciate the care and love my dad and mom give to me because I don't want to live. My dad has been cold all his life. His sudden caring attitude comes as fake and he still gets easily fed up with my sister… No matter how much my mom tried I'm still not interested in living and participating in life. I'm just as moody. I'm worthless and me having thoughts of worthlessness are a burden to the people around me. Just like me sister whether people have a good or bad time depends on what kind of attitude I bring to the table. I hate this. I hate this. I. Hate. This. It's so so so hard
I'm sick of this. I'm sick of life. I wish I were dead. (That's easy!)
For context my family and I are traveling overseas to do my grandma last rites, visiting her house. My sister who is with us has bipolar and has been hospitalized for a suicide attempt about 6 years and has been hospitalized mentally many times. I relate to her and her situation a lot and I try to be understanding with the symptoms with her illnesses, it's not her fault, etc. but sometimes it gets to me.
Let me ramble I guess.
The first day we arrive in the afternoon so we didn't do much since we were all jet lagged. When nighttime comes and it comes time to decide sleeping arrangements she makes it clear she doesn't want to share a room with anyone else, shooting sharp comments at my parents brother and me who are present. So yeah bad start already.
Second day: my sister locks herself in her room. We try to invite her to go out, run errands, go shopping etc. but she's not interested. She refuses to come drink tea and eat with us, my mom has to bring her food. my other sister and her boyfriend arrive, she still in her room. In the evening we go to a fancy restaurant, she's making us run late. My sister and I go to investigate and she's sitting in her room. She bursts into tears, crying about the bug bites on her arm that are making her hand swell. I understand she's still processing my grandma's death making her more volatile so this doesn't bother me too much. She ends up coming to dinner with us though, albeit being in a grumpy mood the entire time.
Today, the third day is what set me off. The morning was fine, we have tea and my sister joins us for breakfast. We had haircuts booked and so my two sisters, my mom and I headed off. At the end my sister still manages to be upset, bunching her new haircut into a ponytail annoyed that the stylist "curled her hair too much" when she asked for it be curled? This is not a really a big deal, none of this so far has really bothered me. Here's what bothered me. In the evening again we has dinner with a relative. It might've been the alcohol my sister drank but she really brightened up. She was finally joining conversations and interacting with other people. I have to admit, I was getting tired and it was getting late so my patience was running low.
So my sister starts talking about how people nowadays have "no manners" and that she's happy our mom instilled in us basic manners like holding the door for others, etc. This pissed me off. The late few days she'd been nothing but rude, pushing away everyone, and not appreciating anyone's help. I can understand acting the way she did and apologize for it but she does no such thing. She starts going into her ooey gooey mode, acting like a total angel, her kindness dial turned up to the max. The thing is, taking into account her previous outbursts all of it comes off as so ingenious. It makes me feel sick. I feel annoyed even now.
I doubt anyone's reading but I guess this is hypocritical of me. I can't retort saying I appreciate the care and love my dad and mom give to me because I don't want to live. My dad has been cold all his life. His sudden caring attitude comes as fake and he still gets easily fed up with my sister… No matter how much my mom tried I'm still not interested in living and participating in life. I'm just as moody. I'm worthless and me having thoughts of worthlessness are a burden to the people around me. Just like me sister whether people have a good or bad time depends on what kind of attitude I bring to the table. I hate this. I hate this. I. Hate. This. It's so so so hard
I'm sick of this. I'm sick of life. I wish I were dead. (That's easy!)
