Venting My sister died today and I just feel... apathetic

[ijustwishtodie]

This is just me venting about the events that happened today and how it impacted me. A policewoman arrived to my house today and gave the news that my sister died. This made all of my family members in tears especially my mum who is still crying non stop even hours after the death has been announced. My sister died from a heart attack and, well, I honestly don't feel a damn thing. I tried to pretend to be sad in front of my family members but... I just can't. I simply don't care. Right now I feel like the character douma from demon slayer as I simply am apathetic. It isn't like I feel guilty or bad for not caring either; it's more so that I'm conflicted at why I don't care.

Logically, I shouldn't care because death is inevitable anyway and this was going to happen regardless. However, the world isn't a logical place as it's full of emotions hence I should also be affected by these emotions. In theory, no amount of logic should prevent grief from happening, right? Maybe it's because I see death differently?

What I do know is that a lot of members here would also cry and grieve in the same way my family members did if they heard that their loved ones have died. After all, people here get really sad and emotional when seeing goodbye threads from strangers so they'd probably feel like shit if their loved ones died (though of course I know that not everybody here has loved ones). The one member that I know of who is the exception to this is FC.

Actually, I relate to FC on this matter. My feelings are aligning with what FC would feel. Whilst my sister didn't kill herself and didn't want death, she was suffering a lot in life due to various issues but now she's at peace. She is no longer suffering and that makes me relieved. I actually envy her and wish that it was me with the heart attack instead of her... but I have to pretend otherwise.

I guess my neurotype is just designed like this to make me not care about other people dying in the same way that others do?

 

[cowboypants]

This is just me venting about the events that happened today and how it impacted me. A policewoman arrived to my house today and gave the news that my sister died. This made all of my family members in tears especially my mum who is still crying non stop even hours after the death has been announced. My sister died from a heart attack and, well, I honestly don't feel a damn thing. I tried to pretend to be sad in front of my family members but... I just can't. I simply don't care. Right now I feel like the character douma from demon slayer as I simply am apathetic. It isn't like I feel guilty or bad for not caring either; it's more so that I'm conflicted at why I don't care.

Logically, I shouldn't care because death is inevitable anyway and this was going to happen regardless. However, the world isn't a logical place as it's full of emotions hence I should also be affected by these emotions. In theory, no amount of logic should prevent grief from happening, right? Maybe it's because I see death differently?

What I do know is that a lot of members here would also cry and grieve in the same way my family members did if they heard that their loved ones have died. After all, people here get really sad and emotional when seeing goodbye threads from strangers so they'd probably feel like shit if their loved ones died (though of course I know that not everybody here has loved ones). The one member that I know of who is the exception to this is FC.

Actually, I relate to FC on this matter. My feelings are aligning with what FC would feel. Whilst my sister didn't kill herself and didn't want death, she was suffering a lot in life due to various issues but now she's at peace. She is no longer suffering and that makes me relieved. I actually envy her and wish that it was me with the heart attack instead of her... but I have to pretend otherwise.

I guess my neurotype is just designed like this to make me not care about other people dying in the same way that others do?

I think autistic don't feel the things same way as other or be able to express what they feel. When my mom got admitted in ICU once I didn't feel anything. For one I'm not close to her emotionally though. Second I want to be like a tough person i don't like displaying delicate emotions. Third maybe I'm a bit of an asshole or everything combined

 

[derpyderpins]

This is just me venting about the events that happened today and how it impacted me. A policewoman arrived to my house today and gave the news that my sister died. This made all of my family members in tears especially my mum who is still crying non stop even hours after the death has been announced. My sister died from a heart attack and, well, I honestly don't feel a damn thing. I tried to pretend to be sad in front of my family members but... I just can't. I simply don't care. Right now I feel like the character douma from demon slayer as I simply am apathetic. It isn't like I feel guilty or bad for not caring either; it's more so that I'm conflicted at why I don't care.

Logically, I shouldn't care because death is inevitable anyway and this was going to happen regardless. However, the world isn't a logical place as it's full of emotions hence I should also be affected by these emotions. In theory, no amount of logic should prevent grief from happening, right? Maybe it's because I see death differently?

What I do know is that a lot of members here would also cry and grieve in the same way my family members did if they heard that their loved ones have died. After all, people here get really sad and emotional when seeing goodbye threads from strangers so they'd probably feel like shit if their loved ones died (though of course I know that not everybody here has loved ones). The one member that I know of who is the exception to this is FC.

Actually, I relate to FC on this matter. My feelings are aligning with what FC would feel. Whilst my sister didn't kill herself and didn't want death, she was suffering a lot in life due to various issues but now she's at peace. She is no longer suffering and that makes me relieved. I actually envy her and wish that it was me with the heart attack instead of her... but I have to pretend otherwise.

I guess my neurotype is just designed like this to make me not care about other people dying in the same way that others do?

Sorry you're having to go through this. I lost someone a couple months ago, not nearly as close as a sister but still close. I couldn't cry. It just made me feel empty. Feeling nothing could be your way of grieving - a passive form of denial. This whole world is so shit and you're aware of it. "Withdrawal in disgust is not the same as apathy."

I don't know if it's your neurotype so much as the fact that you have spent much more time thinking about this subject than most people. In a way, FC and this forum mentally prepared you for death.

 

[rozeske]

I'm really sorry for your loss. Added to your beliefs regarding death you could also be in shock as it is still fresh. But you are not alone in your reaction. I too usually have to pretend to match everyone else's reaction. It also gets hard for me to cry on funerals even though am normally a cryer. I also burst into a little laughter recently over a death news, which started others including myself. Anyways not everyone reacts the same way or at the same time.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Don't beat yourself up over how you think you should or shouldn't be feeling. Your statements around death, but also emotion, are true. But you don't need to be hard on you for not playing along with the normal grief song and dance. WE ALL process things differently, and all of those ways are worthy of honor and care. Relief is such a valid feeling, esp if we know that the other person was suffering, maybe differently, but the same as all of us here, where life itself has shown its cards and pain is unavoidable. Living is suffering for 99.9% of the population…to escape is to win. Here if you need someone to talk to. I've lost 4 people recently and it's had crazy affects on me and my mind.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I don't know if it's your neurotype so much as the fact that you have spent much more time thinking about this subject than most people. In a way, FC and this forum mentally prepared you for death.

This part intrigues me a lot. In a way, this is true as I don't think that my views about death now were the same as before I joined this site. This site really did make me think more about death as a whole. In the end, death is inevitable which means that the grief surrounding it is inevitable as well. If my sister didn't die today, then she would have died another day and the grief would be on that day instead

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

I agree with you and FC . She's no longer suffering.

I would trade places with the one who died. And I would give every possession I have for that trade even if I had a billion dollars. Non-existence is the ultimate bliss no need for anything in non-existence

 

[derpyderpins]

This part intrigues me a lot. In a way, this is true as I don't think that my views about death now were the same as before I joined this site. This site really did make me think more about death as a whole. In the end, death is inevitable which means that the grief surrounding it is inevitable as well. If my sister didn't die today, then she would have died another day and the grief would be on that day instead

Most people have such a strong reaction to death in part because they get blindsided in a sense, even if signs were there. You are always acutely aware of death and therefore cannot be blindsided the same way.

 

[KillingPain267]

This is just me venting about the events that happened today and how it impacted me. A policewoman arrived to my house today and gave the news that my sister died. This made all of my family members in tears especially my mum who is still crying non stop even hours after the death has been announced. My sister died from a heart attack and, well, I honestly don't feel a damn thing. I tried to pretend to be sad in front of my family members but... I just can't. I simply don't care. Right now I feel like the character douma from demon slayer as I simply am apathetic. It isn't like I feel guilty or bad for not caring either; it's more so that I'm conflicted at why I don't care.

Logically, I shouldn't care because death is inevitable anyway and this was going to happen regardless. However, the world isn't a logical place as it's full of emotions hence I should also be affected by these emotions. In theory, no amount of logic should prevent grief from happening, right? Maybe it's because I see death differently?

What I do know is that a lot of members here would also cry and grieve in the same way my family members did if they heard that their loved ones have died. After all, people here get really sad and emotional when seeing goodbye threads from strangers so they'd probably feel like shit if their loved ones died (though of course I know that not everybody here has loved ones). The one member that I know of who is the exception to this is FC.

Actually, I relate to FC on this matter. My feelings are aligning with what FC would feel. Whilst my sister didn't kill herself and didn't want death, she was suffering a lot in life due to various issues but now she's at peace. She is no longer suffering and that makes me relieved. I actually envy her and wish that it was me with the heart attack instead of her... but I have to pretend otherwise.

I guess my neurotype is just designed like this to make me not care about other people dying in the same way that others do?

First of all, sorry for the loss. But you not caring is a classic symptom of depression. That said, my first thought when reading this was also "I wish it was me".

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I agree with you and FC . She's no longer suffering.

I would trade places with the one who died. And I would give every possession I have for that trade even if I had a billion dollars. Non-existence is the ultimate bliss no need for anything in non-existence

Thank you. I'm glad that FC isn't the only user here with the views that I've shown. I would also trade places with my sister. I wish it were me who died instead of her

First of all, sorry for the loss. But you not caring is a classic symptom of depression. That said, my first thought when reading this was also "I wish it was me".

How is it a symptom of depression? What symptom even is it?

 

[KillingPain267]

How is it a symptom of depression? What symptom even is it?

It's apathy. Like the actor Hugh Laurie said; he realized he had depression when he saw a traffic accident but didn't feel anything about it.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

It's apathy. Like the actor Hugh Laurie said; he realized he had depression when he saw a traffic accident but didn't feel anything about it.

Oh, fair enough. My title mentions me being apathetic but I didn't think it was a symptom of depression

 

[bookie]

I'm sorry for your loss

 

[astr4]

just some food for thought, but have you considered that you actually cared more, cared enough to put your desire that her suffering ends above your desire to see her for another day another month another year. some people would keep their loved ones on life support — not because they actually care what the loved one is going through, but because they can't deal with their own grief.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

just some food for thought, but have you considered that you actually cared more, cared enough to put your desire that her suffering ends above your desire to see her for another day another month another year. some people would keep their loved ones on life support — not because they actually care what the loved one is going through, but because they can't deal with their own grief.

I don't know. I wasn't actually that close with my sister in the first place. I don't have a desire to see my sister at all. Maybe this is why I feel apathetic. That said, if I were to love my sister, I think I'd still have the same thoughts as I would rather have it where the suffering of my loved one ends. I don't think that intentionally keeping somebody alive against their will when they don't want to is loving them

 

[feelinggloomy]

Im so sorry

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry for your loss.