My sister CTB'd

[acey]

So, I joined this website not too long ago, a few weeks, a month at most. I've been depressed for well over a decade and been suffering from suicidal ideation and well, from the world as a whole. My sister was too, but she had other mental issues too, maybe she had it tougher than me, but she managed to find a partner, move away and other stuff. Regardless, she never managed to get rid of the depression or the suicidal thoughts it seems.
I've been really considering CTB lately, but now that she went and I am the only remaining off spring I just can't do it to my parents. Seeing my mom absolutely devastated not knowing what she could've done differently or hoping she did, is so painful. I also gold a lot of regret, I'm pretty sure my sister thought I hated her, I wont miss her and... she really looked up to me, wanted to be like me, when I'm the same suicidal fuck as her.

Now I am so so depressed and lost. I was half hoping I'd find something she wrote here, but I dont think she ever went on here. She was so brave, despite it all. And I just wish I could've let her know how loved she was or that she wasn't alone when going. I would never wish upon her to keep suffering here though.

I'm not sure where I'm going with all this. Probably nowhere. But a jump from the 5th floor is well enough it seems if you find the right angle.

Thats it. Also, if you're doing this, please leave something, anything for your loved ones. Let them know there's nothing they could've done to keep you.


Спасибо всем

 

[FuneralCry]

At least those gone now cannot suffer anymore, rest in peace.

 

[alterationitfinds]

"let them know there was nothing they could've done to keep you" is so true. i've had my note written for about a month and it ends with "i'm sorry that me leaving is going to hurt you and know that i dont blame you for whatever you think of me in my absence. this was my decision, i was going to make this decision regardless of your actions and you could not have saved me. please, the last thing i ask to you is that you hold no blame for my actions"

letting people know that this is on you and not them is so important

i'm sorry for the loss of your sister.
i hope she's at peace wherever she is

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear about your sister's death, and she is no longer suffering. It is very commendable for you to stick around for your parents and I admire your fortitude for doing so. Anyways, whenever your time comes in the future, I wish you peace in whatever choice you decide to make.

 

[ThisUnrest]

So sorry for your terrible loss. You obviously love your sister and your parents very much. Be careful, at that height you could end up badly injured rather than gone.

 

[MidnightCat]

I'm sorry.

I just hope she's at peace now.

And for you to find peace taking the route you prefer, whatever that route is.

 

[acey]

So sorry for your terrible loss. You obviously love your sister and your parents very much. Be careful, at that height you could end up badly injured rather than gone.

I was referring to my sister. She died on the spot.

 

[Captive_Mind515]

It's understandable not wanting to hurt your parents.

But at the same time you also have to do what's right for you. Not hurting loved one's by ctb, has always been used by prevention campaigns in order to guilt trip people into continuing to live even when in great pain and suffering. And society does a very good job of putting these things into our mind, so we feel like horrible people for wanting to end our pain. It's important to remember that you are not a bad person for feeling this way. And you are not a bad person if you decide ctb... and your sister wasn't either. Sorry you are suffering and RIP to your sister. I hope you can find peace whatever decision you make.

 

[saddavyd]

I am so sorry that your family has lost your sister. We lost a son in 2017 to the same thing. I was completely broken for around 2 years. But then life seemed to get easier again and some enjoyment came back into it.

I am here on the site having just sold the house where it happened. I thought it was for the best, but now I am devastated by the sense of loss. Again there is no changing it, no going back. It is so hard. So emotionally raw.

I hope you find some kind of peace in the time you have ahead of you. The only advice I wish I had received is to not make any major decisions when in a lot of emotional pain. Give yourself time to come to the right way forward for you and your loved ones. Take care of yourself and don't feel guilty about anything. If you loved your sister, she knew it. I wish you all the best.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Let them know there's nothing they could've done to keep you.

Definitely agree. My greatest condolences for the loss of your sister.

I was referring to my sister. She died on the spot.

so she died from jumping from an 5th floor?

 

[acey]

I am so sorry that your family has lost your sister. We lost a son in 2017 to the same thing.

Two questions, if I may. To the same thing being suicide or jumping specifically? And, was it your son?
Regardless I am very sorry. If the answer to my latter question is yes, could you please give some insight into how you were dealing with the loss? I am hoping to give my mother some reassurance..

so she died from jumping from an 5th floor?

Yes. She did jump head first and was researching angles and made sure it had hard pavement and other hard surfaces.

 

[saddavyd]

Two questions, if I may. To the same thing being suicide or jumping specifically? And, was it your son?

Regardless I am very sorry. If the answer to my latter question is yes, could you please give some insight into how you were dealing with the loss? I am hoping to give my mother some reassurance..

Yes he was my son. It was suicide. We just had to carry on and deal with the grief. We handled things differently and grief counselling was very helpful. The first two years were the hardest.

However it is now 6 years later. To be honest, my son (his twin) and I have not got through it as well as my wife and daughter.

I have just sold the family house and I am regretting it. We were there for 26 years. That is why I am back in the site. I am struggling to cope.

I would only suggest that you try to avoid major life changes while grieving, or at least think very carefully about them. Emotions can cause very poor decision making and you may not realise until it's too late.

I hope you get through this as a family.

 

[Kasumi]

It's heartwarming to see you care so much about your sister, there are so many messed up families, I feel like it's become the norm rather than the exception.

Regarding your regret... In the same way that your sister might've misunderstood your feelings for her, you might be misunderstanding her feelings for you as well.
In the end you can't know, which tbh is probably the worst?
But whichever the case, she is at peace now and that's all that's important, no?
You will always love your sister and as such isn't it some relief to know that you're the one carrying that regret so that your sister doesn't have to?

You might not be able to tell her about your feelings anymore, but you can take care to let the prople that you care about know from now on.

 

[acey]

We handled things differently

What do you mean by different?
Also I feel like I dont need/want counselling, it always feels to me like "what are they gonna say I dont know/think already", but maybe I'll give it a try too.

That's interesting to hear

To be honest, my son (his twin) and I have not got through it as well as my wife and daughter.

Do you think you were just closer with him than them? For me for now my mom is by far doing the worst, but maybe that will change with time. Was your wife handling it the worst at first?

Also, why do you regret about the decision with the house? Currently for us, her boyfriend is staying with us because he can't go back to the apartment where it happened.

 

[ARW3N]

My deepest condolences for the loss of your sister. I've lost a lot of people I know who CTB'd.