Venting My SI is gone

[puella]

I finally booked my flight back home. I can see my family and grab my SN from storage there. Last time I attempted to book the flight, I had panic attacks and couldn't go through with it.

I get there 12-12 and "return" on 12-31. My date to CTB will likely be on 12-30 or 12-31. I wonder if that's a common date; it seems poetic to have my last day be the last day of the year.

I'm still afraid, terrified, but I need to CTB. I'm done telling myself I want to live. What I actually want is to recover and live happily, not to continue living and suffering. But it's impossible for me to recover.

I don't think my gender dysphoria will go away. I would be happy if I could transition and pass as a perfectly average cisgender girl, but that's unrealistic. Puberty ruined my body in irreversible ways; I'll never be perceived as normal. I look to a mirror and I pity myself, I look down and I disgust myself. It's impossible for me to feel happiness through these feelings.

 

[justcallmeJ]

Im sorry you have to go through this aswell. Transition isnt easy. It takes a long time untill you see progress. And the dysforia and emotion you get from estrogen can make you feel worse a lot. How far are you into transition if I may ask?

 

[Dangerdonkey333]

You are whoever you want to be. Its a shame that there is no seamless way to transition. The mirror is important, but to me, and hopefully many others here. You are an amazing beautiful woman.

 

[puella]

Im sorry you have to go through this aswell. Transition isnt easy. It takes a long time untill you see progress. And the dysforia and emotion you get from estrogen can make you feel worse a lot. How far are you into transition if I may ask?

1 year 6 months into HRT. I know it takes a long time, and it would be helpful to keep going, but I still don't think I could ever get to a point feel okay.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you feel this way this is so awful. I hope you find peace!

 

[Aim]

Mine too

 

[justcallmeJ]

1 year 6 months into HRT. I know it takes a long time, and it would be helpful to keep going, but I still don't think I could ever get to a point feel okay.

Ohh well thats a very long time, way better than the 3 months I have now. Im sure you look like and are a beautiful woman. Just know nobody is perfect, and thats ok. We transpeople get born with lots of challenges, and they shall remain. I still hope to be alive long enough to have some surgeries done, become a mother, be seen as a woman.. its the tiny goals which keeps me going for a bit longer, it would be a waste to go so soon i think. Ofcourse I respect your decision if you cbt. And if you will die, you die as a beautiful woman.
I wish you the best <3

 

[DaSh]

My SI is gone too.
I could just SN now but I always think about my siblings/friends etc. and what that would do that to them. But then on the other hand it's my decision.
I'm in great pain.
Just trying to keep it cool...

 

[puella]

Ohh well thats a very long time, way better than the 3 months I have now. Im sure you look like and are a beautiful woman. Just know nobody is perfect, and thats ok. We transpeople get born with lots of challenges, and they shall remain. I still hope to be alive long enough to have some surgeries done, become a mother, be seen as a woman.. its the tiny goals which keeps me going for a bit longer, it would be a waste to go so soon i think. Ofcourse I respect your decision if you cbt. And if you will die, you die as a beautiful woman.
I wish you the best <3

I'm really proud of you for starting. I'm sure you'll be able to achieve a life you're happy living. For most people, transition is a difficult process with a beautiful ending. I'm just unlucky, I suppose.

I'm not beautiful...

 

[justcallmeJ]

I'm really proud of you for starting. I'm sure you'll be able to achieve a life you're happy living. For most people, transition is a difficult process with a beautiful ending. I'm just unlucky, I suppose.

I'm not beautiful...

You are beautiful, from the outside and inside. Every trans person had lucky and unlucky things while transitioning. For example, i am 200 cm/6'6 tall. Not great for a transwoman.

It also saddens me a bit so many trans people cbt eventually, i feel like most of us never reach our full potential. Currently im supporting another transgirl outside of SaSu who wants to cbt, and I have seen many do it already.

Not everyone has the mental strength for a beautiful ending, but we all try our best. <3

 

[AllCatsAreGrey]

I'm not beautiful...

In my eyes you're beautiful. That said, I understand intimately how we're our own worst critics. I'm so sorry that you're suffering in this way. I'm sorry this world is so cruel in its enforcement of violent normative standards.

One of the beauties I see in you is your sincere care for other people. You always offer encouraging words. Sometimes when I'm feeling rough on myself I have thought about this and try to extend that spirit to myself. I want to thank you for that.

I also feel that my efforts towards recovery are faltering, but I want to express how you've helped to make my days here a little better.

In the past when you shared about a good day and a trip to a new resource I felt so happy for you. I sincerely feel you deserve so many days like that.

It saddens me so much how this world is so cruel to people that are so kind.

I sincerely hope that you're able to find peace, one way or another. And whatever happens, we'll be here for you.

 

[leavingthesoultrap]

So weird, right now I am thinking about booking a flight to my home country, getting SN and CTB as well.

 

[Blurry_Buildings]

I'll be sad to see you go. It hasn't been a long time, but I know you are a kind person. You represent the best of us.

I hope you achieve happiness wherever you are headed. <3

 

[Ε. Η. R.]

I'm sorry you made this decision.
Was worth not giving up.