Venting my sad life

[kingfool316]

Hello

I guess I just wanted to get all of this out before I CTB. I'm around my 30s and I lived a sad, pathetic, and ugly life. Now I know others have it worse than me, but life isn't about comparing hardships, if it was I'm sure we'd be extinct or at least endangered. I know to many it's weird for a relatively young man to wish for death like an old man with a terminal illness. I guess you say I have a terminal illness in my mind.

How about we start at the beginning.

I'm the youngest of 4 siblings. I was relatively spoiled growing up. A mama's boy if you'd like. I guess that's where it all began. I realized I'm not like others. I didn't like interacting with others. I realized just a year of reflecting that I was an introvert even as a kid. This really hampered my social life, if I even had one back then. I was the weird kid back then, some people thought I was retarded and slow, to which I agree. I had few friends actually and I always thought they should choose better, but they with me and I just couldn't believe it. Now I barely contact them, not wanting to weigh them down again.

As school went through, I just blipped through it. It felt like a fever dream now honestly. Never wanted to remember school life even for nostalgia. Cartoons were my escape honestly. Watching their exciting and entertaining lives were the reasons I loved watching them, despite people telling me I should grow up, internally I'd say screw you, but I was too afraid to say it. Now that may have been one reason I am what I am now. I always avoid conflict with family and friends as much as possible. For now this is where I'll end it, I will continue this some times if the desire to vent comes out. And now I'm hearing sounds that don't make sense

 

[kingfool316]

Hello

I guess I just wanted to get all of this out before I CTB. I'm around my 30s and I lived a sad, pathetic, and ugly life. Now I know others have it worse than me, but life isn't about comparing hardships, if it was I'm sure we'd be extinct or at least endangered. I know to many it's weird for a relatively young man to wish for death like an old man with a terminal illness. I guess you say I have a terminal illness in my mind.

How about we start at the beginning.

I'm the youngest of 4 siblings. I was relatively spoiled growing up. A mama's boy if you'd like. I guess that's where it all began. I realized I'm not like others. I didn't like interacting with others. I realized just a year of reflecting that I was an introvert even as a kid. This really hampered my social life, if I even had one back then. I was the weird kid back then, some people thought I was retarded and slow, to which I agree. I had few friends actually and I always thought they should choose better, but they with me and I just couldn't believe it. Now I barely contact them, not wanting to weigh them down again.

As school went through, I just blipped through it. It felt like a fever dream now honestly. Never wanted to remember school life even for nostalgia. Cartoons were my escape honestly. Watching their exciting and entertaining lives were the reasons I loved watching them, despite people telling me I should grow up, internally I'd say screw you, but I was too afraid to say it. Now that may have been one reason I am what I am now. I always avoid conflict with family and friends as much as possible. For now this is where I'll end it, I will continue this some times if the desire to vent comes out. And now I'm hearing sounds that don't make sense

Ok back to where I left off.

Now my time at highschool was a bit different. Here I kind of grown in intelligence, or maybe I had it just didn't like using it. But this time, it won't be silenced with my want to be alone. I had more friends actually as shcoking for me as that is. I guess puberty did something here. now as time moved on in highschool, I was more active, more lively, and smarter. I grew an ego here as being one of the smart kids, but I was still my introverted self. I still loved cartoons, but I also now added anime, and then came video games.

Now I did play video games before highschool, but it wasn't as prevalant as before. Games back then for me were 1v1s and 5v5s, and I suck at teamwork, both in life and games. But then came MMORPGs and RPGs. For the first time, I can play a game just by myself but still surrounded by people, but I don't have to interact with them. I couldn't really remember my first mmorpg game since it ran out of popularity but it changed me. It had one thing I craved: control. I can control what I can be, what I can do, where I can go. And that came my addiction. It became my escape and coping mechanism.

I guess it was all about control, the one thing in life I lacked. I had dreams of being a veterinarian, but my family didn't support me even with my love for animals. I guess that also played with me being emotionally distant from them. I also became a pathological liar to my family, but starngely I am completely honest with complete strangers. I guess it was about control. As I went through high school, I became happy and never really thought of home life. Here I had more fights with my family, but most can be connected to puberty, I mean we all had that. Life in school and home couldn't be anymore different. reflecting on it, I was happier away from my family than i was with them.

Then came the contrast in my current life now. Back then I wanted to hang with my friends, but my family kept saying I should be with them more. I kept pestering them of allowing me to be with my friends, but no. And now they have the audacity to tell me to go with friends in my adult life. Yeah like I didn't try that when I was a kid.Its too late because you wouldn't let me as a kid and now I don't know HOW!!! okay I'm going off topic here and I feel a little dizzy. I'll continue when my head feels better and when I feel my emotions aren't rampant.

 

[kingfool316]

Part 3

College. It's basically highschool, but on steroids. I got in a college with a degree I didn't really want. I just went with whatever my family wanted. Again I wanted to be a vet, but they didn't want that. So there I was in college, with new quirky people that I called friends now, but I want to cut ties so that they aren't weighed down by me especially with my problems. I was learning things that was really the furthest i wanted. But I tried to like it. It wasn't bad, but everyday my dreams and sanity started slipping away, especially on finals.

Now I really don't wanna go into my college life and the on job training requirement we were mandatorily required. It was... it was meh. Now I got a job after I graduated. I was a call center agent. And for the first time, I was away from my family. and I felt free. I realized that over time, I was getting emotionally distant. I rarely called, visited every 2 weeks, and I was happier than I have ever been. The downside? I became overweight. Yeah a job where you only sit down taking call while allowed snacks next to you does that. I also became more depressed sadly. For fuck sake I cant even express emotions properly right now and I feel like a mad man. I feel like I had an undiagnosed mental disorder that to this day stays and I will not seek help.

Again getting off topic. Now I quit that job after 2 years and 20 pounds heavier that made me even worse than I already was. My mental and physical health did a nose dive. Everybody in the family now keeps calling me fat which is obvious but not necessary to point out. I became unhealthy and my video game addiction got worse (or better in my POV). I became antisocial, distant, and just not the person anyone would be looking for.

Then I got a job working for a cruise line for five years. The first time I was on a ship, people really pointed out I wasn't like most first timers. I never cried, moaned, or complained about being so far from home. I told them that I love being away from my family mush to their shock. Everybody around me told me about how much they miss home while I just get on with the work. It was hard I tell you, I lost all that extra fat I had gained and I never had been happier. Because life there was simple. You do the work, they deal with papers, and I am away from my family and felt free as a cloud.

Honestly the pandemic destroyed my paradise. I had the best times working on a ship even with crappy bosses and passengers and workers, I have never felt so fulfilled, so full of life. But the pandemic struck. I couldn't go back anymore. My family wanted me to go to another country where my brother and his wife is. Honestly at first I wanted it. worked extra hard to get there, but then I realized that the country I used to want to live in... I felt caged with expectations. My work permit expired, after looking for for ways to extend my stay, I became a visitor instead. Can't work, feel useless, just playing video games til my papers are done, and honestly... a part of me allowed this. It wanted me to be miserable, because it can finally show me how little control I had really in my life.

I became a pathological liar for control. A video game addict for control. I became an introvert for control. CONTROL CONTROL CONTROL!!!!

I have none of it! not even self control! I am compulsive, lazy when not at work, deceptive and secretive, distant, introverted, too different from the rest of my family.... all of it was just to have that sliver of control....


And now... That's my story. The montage of a sad pathetic man who isn't even over 40 who wishes to die as a last resort for control. And now he is looking at a belt, a scarf, and pill bottles. Two ways: hangman or nightnight. I might choose nightnight tonight. When everybody is asleep. I will stay past Midnight, play my favorite game for what maybe the last time. Wrap the belt and scarf around my neck and hopefully either die quickly in my sleep or probably die in pain. After my last failed attempt at CTB, and with my brother and his family mad at me for not being active in my way of life to stay in their country because I was just too different, and I know deep down they hate me and wished for me to be away. I want that too. Deep down my self hate wanted this. It just wants a way out and I was the only thing in its way. Me and SI. Now I want to team up with it. And maybe just maybe tonight, we finally won over SI and give myself my last chance for control. If I don't reply in a month... know that 1 sad man became happy

 

[kingfool316]

added notes:


-family bought a house that was suppose to be paid by me when I wasn't even financially capable. Leading to rage that I bottle up. Destroyed a lot my stuff though

-when I moved to another country, it was good at first, but when I looked at it deeper, it's just a transfer of prison cells

-Depression is one hell of a thing. It makes you down, but you see a little deeper

-when you stopped caring about life, the thing you love to hate and hate to love becomes your only anchor to the storm

-I never had control in life, so maybe I will find it in death. Tonight. If in I don't reply to forums or such, I found my happy place