Venting my sad life

[kingfool316]

Hello

I guess I just wanted to get all of this out before I CTB. I'm around my 30s and I lived a sad, pathetic, and ugly life. Now I know others have it worse than me, but life isn't about comparing hardships, if it was I'm sure we'd be extinct or at least endangered. I know to many it's weird for a relatively young man to wish for death like an old man with a terminal illness. I guess you say I have a terminal illness in my mind.

How about we start at the beginning.

I'm the youngest of 4 siblings. I was relatively spoiled growing up. A mama's boy if you'd like. I guess that's where it all began. I realized I'm not like others. I didn't like interacting with others. I realized just a year of reflecting that I was an introvert even as a kid. This really hampered my social life, if I even had one back then. I was the weird kid back then, some people thought I was retarded and slow, to which I agree. I had few friends actually and I always thought they should choose better, but they with me and I just couldn't believe it. Now I barely contact them, not wanting to weigh them down again.

As school went through, I just blipped through it. It felt like a fever dream now honestly. Never wanted to remember school life even for nostalgia. Cartoons were my escape honestly. Watching their exciting and entertaining lives were the reasons I loved watching them, despite people telling me I should grow up, internally I'd say screw you, but I was too afraid to say it. Now that may have been one reason I am what I am now. I always avoid conflict with family and friends as much as possible. For now this is where I'll end it, I will continue this some times if the desire to vent comes out. And now I'm hearing sounds that don't make sense

 

[kingfool316]

Hello

I guess I just wanted to get all of this out before I CTB. I'm around my 30s and I lived a sad, pathetic, and ugly life. Now I know others have it worse than me, but life isn't about comparing hardships, if it was I'm sure we'd be extinct or at least endangered. I know to many it's weird for a relatively young man to wish for death like an old man with a terminal illness. I guess you say I have a terminal illness in my mind.

How about we start at the beginning.

I'm the youngest of 4 siblings. I was relatively spoiled growing up. A mama's boy if you'd like. I guess that's where it all began. I realized I'm not like others. I didn't like interacting with others. I realized just a year of reflecting that I was an introvert even as a kid. This really hampered my social life, if I even had one back then. I was the weird kid back then, some people thought I was retarded and slow, to which I agree. I had few friends actually and I always thought they should choose better, but they with me and I just couldn't believe it. Now I barely contact them, not wanting to weigh them down again.

As school went through, I just blipped through it. It felt like a fever dream now honestly. Never wanted to remember school life even for nostalgia. Cartoons were my escape honestly. Watching their exciting and entertaining lives were the reasons I loved watching them, despite people telling me I should grow up, internally I'd say screw you, but I was too afraid to say it. Now that may have been one reason I am what I am now. I always avoid conflict with family and friends as much as possible. For now this is where I'll end it, I will continue this some times if the desire to vent comes out. And now I'm hearing sounds that don't make sense

Ok back to where I left off.

Now my time at highschool was a bit different. Here I kind of grown in intelligence, or maybe I had it just didn't like using it. But this time, it won't be silenced with my want to be alone. I had more friends actually as shcoking for me as that is. I guess puberty did something here. now as time moved on in highschool, I was more active, more lively, and smarter. I grew an ego here as being one of the smart kids, but I was still my introverted self. I still loved cartoons, but I also now added anime, and then came video games.

Now I did play video games before highschool, but it wasn't as prevalant as before. Games back then for me were 1v1s and 5v5s, and I suck at teamwork, both in life and games. But then came MMORPGs and RPGs. For the first time, I can play a game just by myself but still surrounded by people, but I don't have to interact with them. I couldn't really remember my first mmorpg game since it ran out of popularity but it changed me. It had one thing I craved: control. I can control what I can be, what I can do, where I can go. And that came my addiction. It became my escape and coping mechanism.

I guess it was all about control, the one thing in life I lacked. I had dreams of being a veterinarian, but my family didn't support me even with my love for animals. I guess that also played with me being emotionally distant from them. I also became a pathological liar to my family, but starngely I am completely honest with complete strangers. I guess it was about control. As I went through high school, I became happy and never really thought of home life. Here I had more fights with my family, but most can be connected to puberty, I mean we all had that. Life in school and home couldn't be anymore different. reflecting on it, I was happier away from my family than i was with them.

Then came the contrast in my current life now. Back then I wanted to hang with my friends, but my family kept saying I should be with them more. I kept pestering them of allowing me to be with my friends, but no. And now they have the audacity to tell me to go with friends in my adult life. Yeah like I didn't try that when I was a kid.Its too late because you wouldn't let me as a kid and now I don't know HOW!!! okay I'm going off topic here and I feel a little dizzy. I'll continue when my head feels better and when I feel my emotions aren't rampant.