My relationship of 9 years is going down hill big time. Might become homeless.

[jodes2]

I complain that she's always critical of me. Rarely supportive. Rarely says thank you or well done. She complains that I don't do enough. And that I shout and call her names. She says I've changed since my psychotic episodes which she says she's going to need therapy for. I haven't changed. If I have, it's only because she's got worse. I tell her she needs therapy asap because it's not my fault she had a bad mother. But she never does. She complains that it's hard to get free therapy. But compared to me she has all the money in the world to pay for therapists but she doesn't put in barely any effort to find one. She's beyond fussy. She should probably look for multiple specialists instead of trying to find the perfect all-in-one.

At this rate it won't be long til the arguments consume any love that's left. She says every time I call her a name it chips away at the relationship. She said if it continues, she'll end it. That will make me homeless. I'll have no choice but to move back in with my dad. Bad times. Bad times.

Wish I'd killed myself when I had the chance. At least if I get evicted back to my dad's I can kill myself without worrying about hurting her. I don't think she'd really care anymore tbh but a while ago I promised myself I wouldn't do it to her. My dad can handle it. I'm grateful for my dad. He's always put up with my shit.

I can't take this heartache and all the bitterness anymore. I'd prefer not to be alone but I can't see myself risking being in another relationship. I wish she'd change. I try to change for her. I have changed. I don't drink anymore. I eat and bath more regularly cos of her pressure, as much as I'd rather not. I try to do more cleaning for her. I offer to do the shopping. I take out the bins, do the washing and washing up. She moans about paperwork but it's all in her name! It's her place! What can I do about that?! Nothing. I've reached my limit for her. This relationship is looking doomed. If she finds this post she'll have a fit. Last time she found my Reddit account it didn't go well even though it was quite innocent stuff. Fml

 

[DeathBecomesMe_2021]

Relationships. Can't live with them, can't live without them. I'm sorry you're in such a tough position. Do you think separating for a while might help to see if you can give the relationship another shot or decide that it's well and truly over? Do you still love her?

 

[MidnightDream]

I'm so sorry Jodes :( You don't deserve to be going through any of this

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

Sorry this sounds awful you might be better off without her but obvs I don't know the whole story.

 

[bed]

She says every time I call her a name it chips away at the relationship. She said if it continues, she'll end it.

I don't know the whole story so I won't bother to comment on any of that but is it really that hard not to call someone else names? Have actual discussions and if things get emotional take a step back and come back to it when you're both in a clearer headspace.

 

[jodes2]

I don't know the whole story so I won't bother to comment on any of that but is it really that hard not to call someone else names? Have actual discussions and if things get emotional take a step back and come back to it when you're both in a clearer headspace.

Thank you, that's good advice

Sorry this sounds awful you might be better off without her but obvs I don't know the whole story.

Thank you

I'm so sorry Jodes :( You don't deserve to be going through any of this

Thank you got that horrible sinking feeling in my chest :(

Relationships. Can't live with them, can't live without them. I'm sorry you're in such a tough position. Do you think separating for a while might help to see if you can give the relationship another shot or decide that it's well and truly over? Do you still love her?

Thank you I love her when we're not arguing ...which is less and less

 

[Pluto]

According to a study, if a certain percentage of interactions are negative, the relationship is doomed. I can't remember what the percentage is (not to mention the slippery question of even how to define an 'interaction') but the majority of them need to be positive. Let's say 4 out of 5. As an aside, if there are not enough negative interactions (1 in 12 or something) the relationship is also doomed, as it lacks authenticity and is missing the faculties of working through problems.

If she has the power to kick you out and effectively leave you to die at any point, it would be wise to be extra accommodating. If she does have any legitimate grievances about you, it is worth making a real effort. That said, the imbalance of power is a concern in itself.

Without love, any relationship or any individual will be on a downward trajectory. This probably applies to most people here.

 

[jodes2]

According to a study, if a certain percentage of interactions are negative, the relationship is doomed. I can't remember what the percentage is (not to mention the slippery question of even how to define an 'interaction') but the majority of them need to be positive. Let's say 4 out of 5. As an aside, if there are not enough negative interactions (1 in 12 or something) the relationship is also doomed, as it lacks authenticity and is missing the faculties of working through problems.

If she has the power to kick you out and effectively leave you to die at any point, it would be wise to be extra accommodating. If she does have any legitimate grievances about you, it is worth making a real effort. That said, the imbalance of power is a concern in itself.

Without love, any relationship or any individual will be on a downward trajectory. This probably applies to most people here.

Thank you for that informative advice

Most interactions are negative :( like 80-90%

 

[not_actually_human]

Stop abusing her ffs

 

[jodes2]

Stop abusing her ffs

It's a two way street, unfortunately. Respect is dying both ways. We both have bad ways of dealing with things. But I'll try not to shout anymore. Thanks for your honesty

 

[not_actually_human]

Denial and blame.
For you it's only about a free place to live. For her it's more trauma and being pushed towards more danger. She isn't safe, she doesn't know she can get out if it and do far better than someone who abuses and uses her because she self-invalidates.
Typical tragic borderline-narcissist relationship.

 

[jodes2]

Denial and blame.
For you it's only about a free place to live. For her it's more trauma and being pushed towards more danger. She isn't safe, she doesn't know she can get out if it and do far better than someone who abuses and uses her because she self-invalidates.
Typical tragic borderline-narcissist relationship.

She said she wants me to stay for the moment. She's far from perfect, I must tell you btw. I've offered to go to my dad's she says no. We both try to work at it, and both fail. I'm not denying I have some fault at all. She's perfectly safe, I wouldn't do anything to harm her FFS I'm not like that. I've never done anything like that

 

[complexptsd]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Having been in a bad relationship before where we both were fighting every day, I know it's a living hell. If she's unwilling to work on herself and work on the relationship, then all the work you can do won't be able to save it. A relationship takes two people working together and working separately on themselves.

But for the time being, could you just ask for space when she triggers you into an argument? Like maybe go for a walk or something when she tries to start fighting?

 

[jodes2]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Having been in a bad relationship before where we both were fighting every day, I know it's a living hell. If she's unwilling to work on herself and work on the relationship, then all the work you can do won't be able to save it. A relationship takes two people working together and working separately on themselves.

But for the time being, could you just ask for space when she triggers you into an argument? Like maybe go for a walk or something when she tries to start fighting?

Good idea. I hate going outside but I need to do something other than shout back or say nasty things back. It can't work

 

[H0110W]

From what you've told us so far, it seems that your relationship is completely doomed. I went through something similar except that it was only one and half years long. Yours seems like an even more ruined version of mine, and it's probably still going just because you live together. It usually takes much less for a woman to grow tired of her man and just pack up and leave suddenly one day.
I have to be fully honest with you, to me it seems unfixable, so I can't give you any advice because I fucked up myself and now I'm paying for it.

If you no longer have sex and just argue 80% of the time like you said, it's over and I would try to move on. Of course, I myself cannot move on and it's one of the many reasons I will ctb for sure in the next few months.

 

[Pluto]

Shouting counts as abuse. One of the best ways to displace that sort of energy is heavy exercise, or maybe some sort of artistic expression. It shouldn't be directed at people unless you happen to catch a pedo in the act or something.

 

[jodes2]

From what you've told us so far, it seems that your relationship is completely doomed. I went through something similar except that it was only one and half years long. Yours seems like an even more ruined version of mine, and it's probably still going just because you live together. It usually takes much less for a woman to grow tired of her man and just pack up and leave suddenly one day.
I have to be fully honest with you, to me it seems unfixable, so I can't give you any advice because I fucked up myself and now I'm paying for it.

If you no longer have sex and just argue 80% of the time like you said, it's over and I would try to move on. Of course, I myself cannot move on and it's one of the many reasons I will ctb for sure in the next few months.

I put in a lot of hard work to fix things this morning, and it seemed to have paid off. She even apologised which is rare after an argument! I'm so sorry you want to CTB I wish I could help fix things for you is your relationship completely over? We're clinging on for all it's worth. We do still have good times, I just need to try damned hard and bloody change a lot about myself. But this morning has proved to me that as long as I'm committed, and as long as she stays committed, we can work on it. She's stuck with me through thick and thin before, so I'm hoping it's just one more time for the books. Just gotta try my very best and put up with shit for a while longer. I was so hurt by the argument last night and threats of ending it, I've realised unless I want years of hurt recovering from a lost relationship, I need to do everything in my power to fix what I can about myself, and encourage her positively to try and change for me too. Please wish us luck. Thank you everyone for all your input and thoughtful considerations. Every one of you have contributed to helping me think about it calmly and logically from all angles before acting rashly or just shouting back at her this morning. Thank you all

 

[H0110W]

Even though you made up with your gf I would still prepare for the worst. From my experience, with "normal" females the breakup may happen at any moment without warning and it seems you two are done for anyway. Sorry for being so blunt but I'm not the type to lie on the Internet or who enjoys virtue signaling, this is what seems most likely to me from what you have told us so far.

If I were you I would start preparing for avoiding being homeless, for me being homeless would seal the deal and I would kms ASAP, I could not possibily stand even one day of homelessness, so if that was a possibility for me I would prepare the suicide kit instead of preparing for the homeless life, but it may be different for you. It seems you can go back to your family so I would use that as a plan b, and ctb as a distant plan c.

Still, having made up is a good sign so things may slowly improve and fix themselves, but I honestly doubt it very much. Shouting, calling names, and having a 90% negative intecation with another person is already far past what can be salvaged imo. You may either break up or end up in a constantly unhappy relationship until someone cracks, and then break up anyway. I've seen it happen many times.

Either way I hope this will resolve to the point of you two being happy, and you not having to ctb anymore. To achieve this you may try a relationship forum instead of ss where everyone is depressed as fuck, myself included. I am not able to give you any advice on how to fix it so I've just given you a brutally realistic look at things, maybe a relationship forum could help you further. Good luck.

 

[Someone123]

I complain that she's always critical of me. Rarely supportive. Rarely says thank you or well done. She complains that I don't do enough. And that I shout and call her names. She says I've changed since my psychotic episodes which she says she's going to need therapy for. I haven't changed. If I have, it's only because she's got worse. I tell her she needs therapy asap because it's not my fault she had a bad mother. But she never does. She complains that it's hard to get free therapy. But compared to me she has all the money in the world to pay for therapists but she doesn't put in barely any effort to find one. She's beyond fussy. She should probably look for multiple specialists instead of trying to find the perfect all-in-one.

At this rate it won't be long til the arguments consume any love that's left. She says every time I call her a name it chips away at the relationship. She said if it continues, she'll end it. That will make me homeless. I'll have no choice but to move back in with my dad. Bad times. Bad times.

Wish I'd killed myself when I had the chance. At least if I get evicted back to my dad's I can kill myself without worrying about hurting her. I don't think she'd really care anymore tbh but a while ago I promised myself I wouldn't do it to her. My dad can handle it. I'm grateful for my dad. He's always put up with my shit.

I can't take this heartache and all the bitterness anymore. I'd prefer not to be alone but I can't see myself risking being in another relationship. I wish she'd change. I try to change for her. I have changed. I don't drink anymore. I eat and bath more regularly cos of her pressure, as much as I'd rather not. I try to do more cleaning for her. I offer to do the shopping. I take out the bins, do the washing and washing up. She moans about paperwork but it's all in her name! It's her place! What can I do about that?! Nothing. I've reached my limit for her. This relationship is looking doomed. If she finds this post she'll have a fit. Last time she found my Reddit account it didn't go well even though it was quite innocent stuff. Fml

I'm sorry you're having a bad time with this. I guess one thing to ask is- if she met you now for the first time, and she knew things would be like this, would she fall in love with you all over again? Eventually if you can't get it back to where she would fall in love with you again, knowing exactly how things will be, it';s going to end eventually. Can you stop all name calling and anything else that would prevent her from falling in love iwth you again? I'm sure she has fault in this too. I hope you can find a way to happiness or to peace somehow.

 

[not_actually_human]

> We do still have good times

I have good times with my mother too, and beyond the lifetime of severe mental illness that there's no living with, she still has cycles of abusing me one moment and seemingly unimpacted the other.

Dear lord. Please do not try to get her to change. She's way too vulnerable. You're only going get herself to change by just taking all the abuse from you the impact on her that you have no ability to grasp much less care about.

You're going to get her to change by blaming her for her distress, maligning her for it, instilling shame and guilt in her, triggering her in all ways.

As for you changing, people never change. Who you are at the core will never change.

The incel in the thread is right in one way here: quit it, stop preying upon her, and leave.

Edit: Since I won't be replying any further to the endless DARVO, feel free to not engage with this.

 

[jodes2]

Even though you made up with your gf I would still prepare for the worst. From my experience, with "normal" females the breakup may happen at any moment without warning and it seems you two are done for anyway. Sorry for being so blunt but I'm not the type to lie on the Internet or who enjoys virtue signaling, this is what seems most likely to me from what you have told us so far.

If I were you I would start preparing for avoiding being homeless, for me being homeless would seal the deal and I would kms ASAP, I could not possibily stand even one day of homelessness, so if that was a possibility for me I would prepare the suicide kit instead of preparing for the homeless life, but it may be different for you. It seems you can go back to your family so I would use that as a plan b, and ctb as a distant plan c.

Still, having made up is a good sign so things may slowly improve and fix themselves, but I honestly doubt it very much. Shouting, calling names, and having a 90% negative intecation with another person is already far past what can be salvaged imo. You may either break up or end up in a constantly unhappy relationship until someone cracks. I've seen it happen many times.

Either way I hope this will resolve to the point of you two being happy, and you not having to ctb anymore. Good luck.

Thank you so much for your input. You're right I guess, it'll do no harm to prepare for the worst. This whole thing has been a wake up call as to how fragile the relationship is right now, my security is in great jeopardy for sure for a start, unless something very significant changes.

No way could I go homeless either. Not for even a day. I wouldn't even know where to sit for so long let alone go to the toilet, sleep, eat or bath. My gf was homeless for several months to avoid her abusive mum and ex, and even after all our talks about it, I still don't know how she's still alive, let alone how she coped.

My suicide kit is ready, it's just not ideal. SN. I wanted N. I just haven't been suicidal recently, some part of me has triggered survival mode instead, but if I were to become homeless, my SN would be in my back pack in case I changed my mind. Thankfully I have my dad to fall back on, and failing that, my mum or brother **might** help me but idk about them.

I totally controlled myself this morning! Pulled out all the stops. She even said sorry for last night, which is rare! Especially since she was blaming me for everything last night. She's been acting much more normally since I pulled out all the stops this morning, as if the argument never happened even. It seems she's forgiven my shouting, swearing and name calling and moved on. In future I'll just walk out the room, or better yet the flat, the INSTANT she does something to pee me off so I can vent without her hearing anything and I won't be making things much worse. Things could be worse than me just walking out at the first sign of an argument, right?? It's the best I can do ATM, so if it isn't enough then I'll just have to move out somewhere and give up if I can't handle her anymore.

Thank you so much for the time and thought it took you to give me your advice, there's no such thing as an unhelpful opinion in this matter. It's been a nightmare, and the support I've gotten has helped me through one of the worst periods of my life, thank you ever so much for your time and understanding and all your empathy

 

[never mind me]

It sounds like you have a pretty bad communication in your relationship. I certainly agree with Bed that it's not a good idea to call your girl-friend names. So you should probably work on dealing with your anger and try to go somewhere else where you can get rid of your anger (like going for a run or some physcial exercise) before you say something hurtful to your girl-friend. And I certainly understand that your girl-friend expects you to shower regularly, I couldn't imagine having a boy-friend who doesn't take care of his hygiene, let alone live with such a person.
The fact that she reacts positively when you put in some effort may be an indicator that she still loves you, but she possibly is not willing to accept that you behave in a way that she finds unacceptable (like being called names or being shouted at). So try to put some more effort in your relationship and maybe try to explain to her in a calm way when you feel you need more support from her or you feel that something isn't right for you.
I also think that it is a good thing that you have a place where you can live, if it doen't work out with your relationship. If your girl-friend still cares for you it might otherwise add a lot of pressure on her, if she feels she has to put up with a relationship she may not want any more, because she doesn't want you to be homeless. So it's certainly a good thing that you can move in with your dad, if things don't work out with your girl-friend.
I wish you the best of luck and that you can resolve your issues.

 

[H0110W]

You know what, you say that you will walk out the next time it happens, but how is that a solution? In a functioning relationship, there is no name calling. There is no actions that will piss you off let alone on purpose. There is no need to walk out to avoid name calling or shouting because these things don't happen to begin with.

Walking out of the room not to argue is not a solution, in fact I believe it may be even worse than arguing. Healthy arguing is good for any relationship. Name calling and shouting is never good, and neither is running away.

But I don't know anything, so I'm out. Good luck and please look after yourself and your mental health.

 

[jodes2]

It sounds like you have a pretty bad communication in your relationship. I certainly agree with Bed that it's not a good idea to call your girl-friend names. So you should probably work on dealing with your anger and try to go somewhere else where you can get rid of your anger (like going for a run or some physcial exercise) before you say something hurtful to your girl-friend. And I certainly understand that your girl-friend expects you to shower regularly, I couldn't imagine having a boy-friend who doesn't take care of his hygiene, let alone live with such a person.
The fact that she reacts positively when you put in some effort may be an indicator that she still loves you, but she possibly is not willing to accept that you behave in a way that she finds unacceptable (like being called names or being shouted at). So try to put some more effort in your relationship and maybe try to explain to her in a calm way when you feel you need more support from her or you feel that something isn't right for you.
I also think that it is a good thing that you have a place where you can live, if it doen't work out with your relationship. If your girl-friend still cares for you it might otherwise add a lot of pressure on her, if she feels she has to put up with a relationship she may not want any more, because she doesn't want you to be homeless. So it's certainly a good thing that you can move in with your dad, if things don't work out with your girl-friend.
I wish you the best of luck and that you can resolve your issues.

Thank you so much for all your advice, it's very well received, thank you so much, you speak real truths that I must remember

You know what, you say that you will walk out the next time it happens, but how is that a solution? In a functioning relationship, there is no name calling. There is no actions that will piss you off let alone on purpose. There is no need to walk out to avoid name calling or shouting because these things don't happen to begin with.

Walking out of the room not to argue is not a solution, in fact I believe it may be even worse than arguing. Healthy arguing is good for any relationship. Name calling and shouting is never good, and neither is running away.

But I don't know anything, so I'm out. Good luck and please look after yourself and your mental health.

Very good point walking out is not ideal. Calm communication and listening and support is ideal. But I still think, walking out is still a lot better than shouting and name calling, so if I get the urge and don't think I can control it, I'll walk out as a last resort. You make a very good point, thank you so much for making me realise this. A lot of people on Reddit told me to just walk out, but I guess so far there hadn't been clarification to me that it's still not ideal. But I do think it's better than shouting and name calling, even my girlfriend has suggested it a few times, and it's how she handles things often anyway. She just walks out on my without even saying a thing. It might be a bit hurtful, but it's better than devolving into name calling which she remembers and always brings up in arguments as something that hurts her much more. Thank you for all your thoughts on this, some things I really needed to hear there!