My psychiatrist fucked my whole week

[TheLakesKrueguer]

So, let me give you some context: I spent most (for not saying my whole life) living in Latin America and I recently moved to Europe for my studies. I am currently 18, but I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts and stuff like that since 11 or 12 bcs of so many traumatic experiences. Last year I started having bulimic tendencies and an awful control in buying and consuming food which makes me feel extremely guilty and stupid and ungrateful to my parent's financial help. To keep it simple, even if this last year has been my best year academically/socially speaking, it has been the worst mentally, I just want to end it all.

Taking advantage of public services here in Europe, I started seeking professional help about a month ago and started some medication. This medication doesn't end the bulimia, nor the suicidal tendency's, but it had helped a lot with my anxiety, and that's something…
A couple of days ago, I posted a thread where I said I was cutting and feeling pretty bad. After some weeks seeing a nurse and a psychiatrist, they told me I have Borderline Personality Disorder. This fucked my whole week, learning that I have this shit, and in 10 years I will still be having it and there's nothing I can do about it except trying to control it. I feel so hopeless, so tired, so dirty.

The BPD diagnosis made me see the world, myself, who I am, so differently. It's like finding a missing piece of a puzzle. But at the same time, it feels so bad. I don't know, I am partly, and paradoxically, happy to have this. I can't understand why, but I want to be sick, I want to feel bad and suicidal, and I want to be in the deepest whole entire of shit sometimes. And then I change my mind, and suddenly I want to feel good and healthy and loved and cared... I just don't get it.

 

[brokeandbroken]

So, let me give you some context: I spent most (for not saying my whole life) living in Latin America and I recently moved to Europe for my studies. I am currently 18, but I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts and stuff like that since 11 or 12 bcs of so many traumatic experiences. Last year I started having bulimic tendencies and an awful control in buying and consuming food which makes me feel extremely guilty and stupid and ungrateful to my parent's financial help. To keep it simple, even if this last year has been my best year academically/socially speaking, it has been the worst mentally, I just want to end it all.

Taking advantage of public services here in Europe, I started seeking professional help about a month ago and started some medication. This medication doesn't end the bulimia, nor the suicidal tendency's, but it had helped a lot with my anxiety, and that's something…
A couple of days ago, I posted a thread where I said I was cutting and feeling pretty bad. After some weeks seeing a nurse and a psychiatrist, they told me I have Borderline Personality Disorder. This fucked my whole week, learning that I have this shit, and in 10 years I will still be having it and there's nothing I can do about it except trying to control it. I feel so hopeless, so tired, so dirty.

The BPD diagnosis made me see the world, myself, who I am, so differently. It's like finding a missing piece of a puzzle. But at the same time, it feels so bad. I don't know, I am partly, and paradoxically, happy to have this. I can't understand why, but I want to be sick, I want to feel bad and suicidal, and I want to be in the deepest whole entire of shit sometimes. And then I change my mind, and suddenly I want to feel good and healthy and loved and cared... I just don't get it.

I cannot know what having BPD is like without having it myself. That said you can look at it in two ways. 1) As a gift 2) You've always had it.

 

[Quinton Coldwater]

Ye

So, let me give you some context: I spent most (for not saying my whole life) living in Latin America and I recently moved to Europe for my studies. I am currently 18, but I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts and stuff like that since 11 or 12 bcs of so many traumatic experiences. Last year I started having bulimic tendencies and an awful control in buying and consuming food which makes me feel extremely guilty and stupid and ungrateful to my parent's financial help. To keep it simple, even if this last year has been my best year academically/socially speaking, it has been the worst mentally, I just want to end it all.

Taking advantage of public services here in Europe, I started seeking professional help about a month ago and started some medication. This medication doesn't end the bulimia, nor the suicidal tendency's, but it had helped a lot with my anxiety, and that's something…
A couple of days ago, I posted a thread where I said I was cutting and feeling pretty bad. After some weeks seeing a nurse and a psychiatrist, they told me I have Borderline Personality Disorder. This fucked my whole week, learning that I have this shit, and in 10 years I will still be having it and there's nothing I can do about it except trying to control it. I feel so hopeless, so tired, so dirty.

The BPD diagnosis made me see the world, myself, who I am, so differently. It's like finding a missing piece of a puzzle. But at the same time, it feels so bad. I don't know, I am partly, and paradoxically, happy to have this. I can't understand why, but I want to be sick, I want to feel bad and suicidal, and I want to be in the deepest whole entire of shit sometimes. And then I change my mind, and suddenly I want to feel good and healthy and loved and cared... I just don't get it.

Yep bpd sucks , mood changes in minutes it's really terrible to have but hopefully you'll be able to manage it

 

[TheLakesKrueguer]

Ye

Yep bpd sucks , mood changes in minutes it's really terrible to have but hopefully you'll be able to manage it

Yeah, and it's so annoying, you're either super silly and happy and having an excellent time or wanting to jump off a bridge. And when you're conscious about it, it gets worse bcs you know that your happiness is ephemeral and superficial, and you're gonna feel as bad as you're feeling good. It's just so exhausting.

 

[Quinton Coldwater]

Yeah, and it's so annoying, you're either super silly and happy and having an excellent time or wanting to jump off a bridge. And when you're conscious about it, it gets worse bcs you know that your happiness is ephemeral and superficial, and you're gonna feel as bad as you're feeling good. It's just so exhausting.

Yeah at this point I've just accepted that I'm a nut job and I don't ever know if my feelings are ever valid cause they literally change by the minute

 

[TheLakesKrueguer]

Yeah at this point I've just accepted that I'm a nut job and I don't ever know if my feelings are ever valid cause they literally change by the minute

relate (SOOO MUCH)

 

[DyingToDie123]

After my last suicidal episode people continuously told me I had BPD. I had suspected I had it much of my life and 2 years ago asked my therapist about it. We went through the criteria and determined I only had 3ish of the symptoms at the time, and there was a lot of overlap with depression symptoms. But when I went off my meds recently I probably could have met the 5 minimum criteria. And people were not shy about telling me, which pissed me off to no end.

I don't want to have it because you have to disclose it on a security clearance application. And it's stigmatized af.

OP, I'm sorry.

 

[NoThoughtTooMany]

This fucked my whole week, learning that I have this shit, and in 10 years I will still be having it and there's nothing I can do about it except trying to control it. I feel so hopeless, so tired, so dirty.

I don't put much weight into the borderline label. I also wouldn't put too much weight on BPD prognosis. This is for several reasons.

** I am not a doctor, so don't take this as medical advice. These are just my opinions and you should make decisions for yourself**

1. People who experience prolonged trauma could easily classify as having a personality disorder when it's not really their personality at all. PTSD, CPTSD and BPD can be almost indistinguishable from each other with many presentations.

2. BPD casts a very wide net. There are 9 symptom criteria, and you need 5 of those to get diagnosed. That means there are 256 combinations of the symptom criteria that will lead to a diagnosis. If you met someone else who was diagnosed, you may only share 1 symptom. There isn't a fundamental aspect or core to BPD that makes it transferable. People diagnosed with BPD are WILDLY different in this manner.

3. Because the construct of BPD is so broad, it makes it challenging to research and find treatment plans which would help those with BPD. Another way this can hurt treatment is that perhaps problems which stem from other issues/medical problems, could just be blamed on BPD - shutting down exploration of other causes.

4. BPD in the DSM is described as an "ego-syntonic" condition, while I've never met someone diagnosed with BPD who enjoys their symptoms. The label is kind of insulting in that way.

5. You've heard of the placebo effect, and there is a good chance you also know about the nocebo effect. If people believe that their condition is part of who they are fundamentally, and they read online that people with personality disorders rarely improve, l suspect those people would be less likely to improve as a function of that belief. I fear that the label could also be causing people harm in this regard. This narrative/belief also impacts the mental health care provider by making them believe that they can't help you.

---

I don't say this to discredit your experiences. I could get labeled with BPD (I definitely could have in the past), because I have many of the symptoms and they're terrifying. Regardless of if you believe BPD is a valid construct, people with the diagnosis suffer tremendously.

I say this because I don't want you to give up on yourself. Being diagnosed with BPD is not like having a genetic condition, or learning you have an incurable disease. It's possible to process these traumatic experiences, reframe them, and start to learn different ways of responding to the world (easier said than done; it takes time). It's not an accident that the etiology of BPD stems from traumatic experiences, and the behaviors that stuck around were just ways to protect ourselves. It's not a 12-year old's fault, and it was never your fault.

But let's say BPD as described in the DSM is 100% accurate. Well, the good news is that you're only 18 years old. Just because you are an "adult" by legal standards doesn't mean your brain or personality has become rigid and impenetrable. I'm about to be 26, and I'm a much different person than I was at 22 to put it lightly. Current research on personality across the lifespan shows that personality development becomes more active between 20-40. The idea that personality development settles at the emergence of adulthood is not true. Although personality does tend to be stable across the lifespan in large sample sizes it doesn't tell us much about the potential for individuals to change. Also, research shows that BPD symptoms naturally decline over the lifespan for most people.

TLDR; I think people have an incredible ability to change. You're not crazy and your feelings are valuable and meaningful.

 

[TheLakesKrueguer]

I don't put much weight into the borderline label. I also wouldn't put too much weight on BPD prognosis. This is for several reasons.

** I am not a doctor, so don't take this as medical advice. These are just my opinions and you should make decisions for yourself**

1. People who experience prolonged trauma could easily classify as having a personality disorder when it's not really their personality at all. PTSD, CPTSD and BPD can be almost indistinguishable from each other with many presentations.

2. BPD casts a very wide net. There are 9 symptom criteria, and you need 5 of those to get diagnosed. That means there are 256 combinations of the symptom criteria that will lead to a diagnosis. If you met someone else who was diagnosed, you may only share 1 symptom. There isn't a fundamental aspect or core to BPD that makes it transferable. People diagnosed with BPD are WILDLY different in this manner.

3. Because the construct of BPD is so broad, it makes it challenging to research and find treatment plans which would help those with BPD. Another way this can hurt treatment is that perhaps problems which stem from other issues/medical problems, could just be blamed on BPD - shutting down exploration of other causes.

4. BPD in the DSM is described as an "ego-syntonic" condition, while I've never met someone diagnosed with BPD who enjoys their symptoms. The label is kind of insulting in that way.

5. You've heard of the placebo effect, and there is a good chance you also know about the nocebo effect. If people believe that their condition is part of who they are fundamentally, and they read online that people with personality disorders rarely improve, l suspect those people would be less likely to improve as a function of that belief. I fear that the label could also be causing people harm in this regard. This narrative/belief also impacts the mental health care provider by making them believe that they can't help you.

---

I don't say this to discredit your experiences. I could get labeled with BPD (I definitely could have in the past), because I have many of the symptoms and they're terrifying. Regardless of if you believe BPD is a valid construct, people with the diagnosis suffer tremendously.

I say this because I don't want you to give up on yourself. Being diagnosed with BPD is not like having a genetic condition, or learning you have an incurable disease. It's possible to process these traumatic experiences, reframe them, and start to learn different ways of responding to the world (easier said than done; it takes time). It's not an accident that the etiology of BPD stems from traumatic experiences, and the behaviors that stuck around were just ways to protect ourselves. It's not a 12-year old's fault, and it was never your fault.

But let's say BPD as described in the DSM is 100% accurate. Well, the good news is that you're only 18 years old. Just because you are an "adult" by legal standards doesn't mean your brain or personality has become rigid and impenetrable. I'm about to be 26, and I'm a much different person than I was at 22 to put it lightly. Current research on personality across the lifespan shows that personality development becomes more active between 20-40. The idea that personality development settles at the emergence of adulthood is not true. Although personality does tend to be stable across the lifespan in large sample sizes it doesn't tell us much about the potential for individuals to change. Also, research shows that BPD symptoms naturally decline over the lifespan for most people.

TLDR; I think people have an incredible ability to change. You're not crazy and your feelings are valuable and meaningful.

Thanks, it's really sweet, and it makes me feel really optimistic :)