Story My psychiatrist cried yesterday

[ForgottenAgain]

Finally came the day of the appointment with the psychiatrist, for getting my medication reevaluated and hopefully stop seeing evil things around me.

The appointment had the usual and annoying speeches of "have you been doing walks?", "you need to exercise" when I'm feeling suicidal and can barely take a shower. I hate walks, I already said this countless times but they always touch on that anyway.

I was so sad, I started to lose my shit and said things I wasn't expecting. I was sobbing and said:
"Every day I wake up and I'm still here, I just wanted to be gone, out of this world! I miss my mom, I miss my grandma, I miss my cat! I just want to die!"

I was almost histerically crying, I told her that exercise means shit when I can't even take a shower most days. I told her I know what she means but there is a certain level of energy and will one must have to be able to take that advice and I don't have it right now. I don't.

I asked her if she has been depressed. She said she has experienced low mood. I wasked her if he has been severely depressed. She said no to which I replied: "then there you go, there is no will to do things, I need a reason to live before I can think about exercise. I need a reason!"

She got teary eyed and told me the most compassionate thing yet:
"I know it's hard as you're in a terrible state right now but you've improved in the past, you moved country alone, you got the job you wanted, an incredible salary hike. You can only get that if you're exceptional at what you do. You have been through this before and you got better with flying colours. I have seen so many patients but never seen one doing so well with such a start in life. I believe you can do it again, you can recover, you will be fine."

It's so weird talking to the psychiatrist because it's almost like talking to a regular person who happens to prescribe meds and then at times she says things that sound like something a therapist would almost say. It's such a push and pull, I was completely tired...

Was able to get my meds increased doses and a benzo for when I feel things around me are evil.

Now I don't know what to do, I'm exhausted and lost, going through the motions.

 

[penguinl0v3s]

Aww yay sounds like you met a good psychiatrist! Hope your recovery goes smoothly. Also, don't walk if you don't want to lol. There are other ways to recover too.

 

[MeltingBrain]

"I know it's hard as you're in a terrible state right now but you've improved in the past, you moved country alone, you got the job you wanted, an incredible salary hike. You can only get that if you're exceptional at what you do. You have been through this before and you got better with flying colours. I have seen so many patients but never seen one doing so well with such a start in life. I believe you can do it again, you can recover, you will be fine."

They are professionals but at the end of the day human . Your story really must have touched her . Doctors rarely break character .
If you don't mind me asking what do you suffer from ?

 

[rosenwasser]

She sounds like a good psych. Happy for you to get the meds you need. I hope they kick in fast and help you get over what you're experiencing right now.

 

[Kit1]

Wow. A human psychiatrist - you have a better chance of recovery when you have human psychiatrist. Please don't worry about the walking - we need to spend the energy we have wisely and people who don't struggle with energy levels find that difficult to understand. Glad that you hot the meds you needed.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

They are professionals but at the end of the day human . Your story really must have touched her . Doctors rarely break character .
If you don't mind me asking what do you suffer from ?

I have Borderline PD, have been in therapy for 16 years

Wow. A human psychiatrist - you have a better chance of recovery when you have human psychiatrist. Please don't worry about the walking - we need to spend the energy we have wisely and people who don't struggle with energy levels find that difficult to understand. Glad that you hot the meds you needed.

She had that human moment but all the rest of the appointment she was comparing my pain to others saying I don't have it as bad. Like "I know your mother died when you were 14 but there are others who lost their mothers sooner" and things like that, as if this is the pain Olympics.
She did say that living is a blessing and I told her how blessed I feel for having lost my mother, having had my father's girlfriends wishing I was dead and one even stealing money from me. How blessed I was for having spent years self harming and hearing voices.

That tilted me so bad. But she did have that moment of breaking that pattern...

 

[rosenwasser]

I have Borderline PD, have been in therapy for 16 years

She had that human moment but all the rest of the appointment she was comparing my pain to others saying I don't have it as bad. Like "I know your mother died when you were 14 but there are others who lost their mothers sooner" and things like that, as if this is the pain Olympics.
She did say that living is a blessing and I told her how blessed I feel for having lost my mother, having had my father's girlfriends wishing I was dead and one even stealing money from me. How blessed I was for having spent years self harming and hearing voices.

That tilted me so bad. But she did have that moment of breaking that pattern...

In my experience a lot of ppl in psych, even good ones, are just too deep into burnout to properly empathize with patients. Then they have moments of clarity in crisis.

 

[Kundalini Guy]

You have a good psychiatrist