My plans to kill myself when I turn 30 are back on

[FireFox]

Life is not for me as I grow older I now realise it, I wish I never came to this conclusion because I really wanted to live and be happy. My 20s have been a cycle of confusion in never knowing where I belong in this world, disappointments and things constantly going wrong. I don't want to see another decade. I really don't.

All my life I have had to deal with people thinking I am crazy especially at a young age. When I was in Primary school teachers complained to my family about me being weird and not normal like the other children. I used to talk to myself but grew out of it in my mid 20s my mum never get me help for it neither did the school flag up any potential learning problems I may have. In year 6 i used to have an active imagine and made up imaginary friends for fun. I had real friends in primary school but teacher tought I was werid and complained. I have seen the school written assessments about me. Family got mad at me for failing to be normal. My relatives gossiped about how I was crazy behind my back even the ones I loved also participated in this behaviour. I had regular mental breakdowns at school. Secondary school I was regularly builled for being the werid girl who didn't have friends and struggled to fit in. Growing up with parent and grandparent from a different culture they can't relete nor understand any of my problems I have as result I do suffer from loneliness. It's is very possible to be lonely with family. I have all these cousins, uncles and aunties who dont even care about me.

It absolutely hurts me so much that all my life I have never been anyone's crush or that woman a man really wanted. As a teenager all the other girls at school had boys interested in them and pursued them while I was the werid unpopular girl who the boys regularly builled at school and made fun of. In adulthood I give all my attention and love to the men I love but they never give it back and just want someone else.

No amount of therapy can ever help me. Never having male love at a young age and always being that girl now woman who never ever gets picked has a psychologically damaged me permanently. I genuinely now believe I am unlovable. I don't want to be single in my 30s as it's gets harder to find someone. I always be the unwanted woman.

2023 was the worst year of my life because I had an entire year of things going wrong. In 2022 my life was finally getting better and for the first time I was no longer suicidal. Last year everything came crashing down if none of the events of last year never happened I wouldn't be making all this plans to kill myself. Last year showed me life is not worth living.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Some of these behaviours that people thought you were weird for aren't even weird. Talking to yourself, for example, is completely normal and healthy. Self-talk/private speech is something we start engaging in as children and it plays an important role in things, such as self-regulation and self-guidance. Same thing with imaginary friends. They are normal to have and can allow for children to further practice things, such as their social skills. I still have imaginary friends as an adult, lol (though I engage with them more in my head than irl). It's concerning that your teachers, people whose literal job is to work with children, are flagging some of these normal behaviours as "weird".

It seems like the adults in your life failed you tremdously. Normalcy is a lie. It's an illusion that we work to try and upkeep because our ability to gain the approval of those around us and function within the in-group hinges on it. Most people are weird, it's just that some people better at hiding it than others.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear about your suffering and all the ills that come with sentience. My life is similar in various ways, being the odd one out, being an outcast, and many more. I'm also in my early 30's now so I'm not really just a young teen anymore, but an young adult getting closer and closer to middle age each passing year. I too am on the road towards CTB, it is not a matter of if, but when (the time and circumstance is right).

I hope you will be able to find relief in whatever you choose to do.