Story My plans to CTB have improved my life

[WilliamKline]

Since I've made up my mind to CTB I feel this urge to leave things as best as I can for my family. I've actually made a whole to-do list on things I want to get sorted before I go so I don't burden them even more.

It's given me a drive and I've actually been more productive - and more positive - in a way than I have been in years. It even gives me some sense of satisfaction since I'm doing things I should have done a long time ago but never really took the time for. And when depression does creep in, the reminder of 'just finish the list and you can leave soon' gives me a great sense of calm.

Anyone else experiencing this?

 

[noctiva]

I hear you, I have a similar situation. Since I have my method and received all my materials needed, I'm trying to sort everything as well as I can so the person cleaning up after me doesn't have that much work to do. I think it's very kind and compassionate to take care of as much as you can for them, so they have time to focus on themselves following your CtB rather than having to go through all the unchecked clutter in your home.
I wouldn't say I feel more positive in the sense that I am reconsidering, I am merely feeling calmer and less stressed though, but I think that is what you meant by 'positive', right?
The only thing on my mind is SI, that is something I still worry about.
Take care and be kind to yourself.

 

[LastWhisper]

Yes, I'm experiencing this. Sometimes it makes me calm, sometimes happy, sometimes even more depressed. But anyway I'll finish it.

 

[WilliamKline]

Hi Noctiva, thanks for your reply. Been reading along with your messages and can really relate to what you're going through. What I meant with more positive is that finishing some of these tasks actually give me some sense of accomplishment - of self-worth? Seems a bit paradoxical since they are steps into oblivion but nonetheless.

Yes the SI thing is also something I worry about, I would ideally like to leave a practically empty appartment - selling, giving away and throwing away all my stuff. Have been a bit hesitant about this, there's just no going back from there

EDIT: Oh and I want to make sure that those left behind will not get the impression that I did this on a whim but was actually very well prepared. I hope that will give some peace of mind that nobody could've stopped me really.

 

[noctiva]

Thank you for your kind words. I am sorry that you can relate to my pain, I wish life was kinder to you. I understand the sense of accomplishment, I enjoy the 'cleaning' of my apartment, it also allows me to strengthen my resolve to CtB. It feels like letting go more and more, there's peace in the knowledge that I have made the right decision and that I am able to carry it out, that at least this time I can do the right thing and give my partner what he needs from me.
I am not okay with selling my furniture, because I know that some of my things are wanted by people I care about. So I decided to leave the furniture and make little 'memory boxes' for my loved ones, things that remind me of them, things that I've kept, movie tickets from the first move we went to, the cork from the champagne bottle we shared on our first anniversary, that kinda stuff. But I basically prepackage everything into named boxes and toss the rest, so they don't need to bother.

SI is horrible. I am still waiting for my final notice from my better half (and he really is the better of the two of us). I feel ready to go, but I am afraid that I will miss him saying that he thought and he wants to give me another chance. But I know this won't happen, I will have to talk to him at some point in the very near future to get the boot, so to speak.

What scares me, is that I live alone in an apartment. My partner has a key, but he won't use it. There is no one who will find my body for ages. It's the winter season, already below zero outside night and day. I won't start to smell until late spring. The bank will most likely start looking for me first, seeing as I don't have any money left after December. So maybe they'll find me in February or so. I don't know, I don't like that. But I don't want to send delayed Emails or texts, there is just too much uncertainty there. What if I'm not dead at that point? What if I survive but don't call them back early enough because I'm so sick?

 

[CrushedHopes]

OP, I can relate with you so much. 3 years ago, when I impulsively CTBed for the first time, I just wanted a temporary escape from my predicament at the time. Past me, not being able to foresee that I would inevitably meet my demise three years later, was glad that he survived with no complications, since there was still a future for him.

Now that I know I am going to CTB for real this time to put an end to everything, I feel at ease and more relaxed. I've already made my final preparations, and I am ready to go. I've wasted all the chances I had in life, and given more chances than the average person. I've used them up and exhausted the patience of everyone. My time is imminent - I just need to pull the trigger (not in the literal sense, since my CTB method isn't headshotting, haha), and terminate myself. I have a lot of regrets, and I am bringing them to the grave.