B
badtothebone
Experienced
- Aug 20, 2024
- 251
I struggle to live everyday. The pain I live with is not something I can control or manageable. I keep asking myself if I'm responsible for my son suicide? I never abused my son in any way I loved him so much but as his mother I never protected him either. Providing wasn't enough I missed something. I didn't listen to him he was crying for help and I didn't see it. He was so beautiful so innocent and pure. He has a beautiful heart he didn't deserve to suffer. It's something I did or said killed my son. I know my son shot himself but he prob was dead already emotionally. To kill someone you don't have to pull the trigger, there are different ways to murder someone without even touching them. I didn't kill my son but I was his death aid. My son had something going on most likely depression but he didn't feel close enough to tell me and as his mom I was suppose to know but I didn't.
Something I need to share with you in here that I never thought about until today. When my son was 8 he was so smart and advanced in his class. His friends were very jealous so they started bullying him. One day I went to wake him up for school but he refused. I told him I need to go to work so I had to drop him off to school but he continued to refuse. So I decided to call in and see why he's refusing. After a long talk with him he told me " mom my friends told me I didn't have to eat I'm already fat, and they keep taking my lunch money". I called the principle and cursed the whole school so he suspended those kids and he spoke with my son but during that time in the same morning my son also told me that he hears voices. So I asked him what you mean? He said " voices telling me to kill my self with a knife" and he started crying he was scared and I hugged him and I cried too. I didn't know what to do so I called his doctor and she told me to bring him. We went and I asked his doctor to talk with him alone and I left the room. Few minutes after the doctor told me he's prob acting like that due to bullying in school. She suggested that he sees a psychiatrist. We went home In the evening and he was playful and you can see him happy. I went through his computer just to see his search history and all what I found is suicide search history " how to kill myself" he was searching how to kill himself for days. He was so young only 8. The next day he went to school but he was happy knowing the other 2 kids were suspended. I was worried about the voices so the next day I asked him how is he doing and he said he's fine. I never took him to a psychiatrist and after that I didn't even ask him about the voices he seemed happy and I didn't want to remind him of that negative thoughts. I didn't mean to neglect my son it's just I didn't know better I was single mom try to do everything by myself and I thought since those kids got punished he's going to be ok. From age 8 and from that day until he passed I never asked him if he heard voices again. If I took him to a psychiatric and cared more about that area he's prob will be alive today. I don't know how I was very stupid. His doctor also didn't care either. He was doing good in school. Going out with me and his friends so I thought reminding him about that bad experience will hurt him it's better to just let it go since he's doing good now. I was wrong. It's weird how I never thought or rembered that until today . Did my son continue living with hearing voices and didn't say anything because I never asked? Is this connected with his suicide? Did he suffer all those years without me knowing? Maybe that's why he was advanced in school to distract himself from those negative thoughts? Did I neglect my son by not taking him to a psychiatrist?
Therefore, I decided to have a plan that can help me with this guilt and pain. I make good money so I have a lot of savings. I'm going to give my sister some and open saving account under my children name and add their money there. They can use it it's a lot of money. This will secure part of their future. And then I'm going to kms because it's a lot to live with it's impossible to continue and I'm tired explaining my pain. I know my children need me but there is no " me" anymore. I live with a lot of guilt no human being can survive. I'm going to start working on this next week. I'll also give my resignation. That's it. I know in my heart that I didn't neglect my son feelings and emotions in purpose. I thought asking him about bullying and hearing voices will remind him and I didn't want to remind him I thought I was protecting him but in fact I KILLED HIM.
Please excuse any typo I'm crying so i literally can't see now.
Something I need to share with you in here that I never thought about until today. When my son was 8 he was so smart and advanced in his class. His friends were very jealous so they started bullying him. One day I went to wake him up for school but he refused. I told him I need to go to work so I had to drop him off to school but he continued to refuse. So I decided to call in and see why he's refusing. After a long talk with him he told me " mom my friends told me I didn't have to eat I'm already fat, and they keep taking my lunch money". I called the principle and cursed the whole school so he suspended those kids and he spoke with my son but during that time in the same morning my son also told me that he hears voices. So I asked him what you mean? He said " voices telling me to kill my self with a knife" and he started crying he was scared and I hugged him and I cried too. I didn't know what to do so I called his doctor and she told me to bring him. We went and I asked his doctor to talk with him alone and I left the room. Few minutes after the doctor told me he's prob acting like that due to bullying in school. She suggested that he sees a psychiatrist. We went home In the evening and he was playful and you can see him happy. I went through his computer just to see his search history and all what I found is suicide search history " how to kill myself" he was searching how to kill himself for days. He was so young only 8. The next day he went to school but he was happy knowing the other 2 kids were suspended. I was worried about the voices so the next day I asked him how is he doing and he said he's fine. I never took him to a psychiatrist and after that I didn't even ask him about the voices he seemed happy and I didn't want to remind him of that negative thoughts. I didn't mean to neglect my son it's just I didn't know better I was single mom try to do everything by myself and I thought since those kids got punished he's going to be ok. From age 8 and from that day until he passed I never asked him if he heard voices again. If I took him to a psychiatric and cared more about that area he's prob will be alive today. I don't know how I was very stupid. His doctor also didn't care either. He was doing good in school. Going out with me and his friends so I thought reminding him about that bad experience will hurt him it's better to just let it go since he's doing good now. I was wrong. It's weird how I never thought or rembered that until today . Did my son continue living with hearing voices and didn't say anything because I never asked? Is this connected with his suicide? Did he suffer all those years without me knowing? Maybe that's why he was advanced in school to distract himself from those negative thoughts? Did I neglect my son by not taking him to a psychiatrist?
Therefore, I decided to have a plan that can help me with this guilt and pain. I make good money so I have a lot of savings. I'm going to give my sister some and open saving account under my children name and add their money there. They can use it it's a lot of money. This will secure part of their future. And then I'm going to kms because it's a lot to live with it's impossible to continue and I'm tired explaining my pain. I know my children need me but there is no " me" anymore. I live with a lot of guilt no human being can survive. I'm going to start working on this next week. I'll also give my resignation. That's it. I know in my heart that I didn't neglect my son feelings and emotions in purpose. I thought asking him about bullying and hearing voices will remind him and I didn't want to remind him I thought I was protecting him but in fact I KILLED HIM.
Please excuse any typo I'm crying so i literally can't see now.
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