Venting My Plan So Far

[Ociv]

So I've been wanting to CTB for three or four years now, but there are too many obstacles between me and the spot I need to be to commit to something like that. I am just now in the process of formulating a plan to get around these. This thread is mainly for three purposes:
A - to help organize my thoughts.
B - It feels good to tell somebody, because there isn't anyone in my life who I can talk to about this kind of thing.
C - If anybody has thoughts or ideas about this, or just want to talk about it, I am here for it.

The obstacles blocking me from the bus stop are mainly centered around responsibilities I have, or feel that I have. Those are as follows, in order of least to most difficult to solve:
A - I have a cat. If I were to disappear, he would need to be cared for.
B - I have roommates. If I were to disappear, They would likely not be able to pay for rent.
C - My mother is extremely attached to me. She has always been a good mom, and I feel responsible for her wellbeing somewhat, so I don't want to just up and kill myself or she would probably go crazy with grief.

I'm wanting to find ways to solve these problems that seem at least mostly plausible to my friends and family to avoid causing them to panic, so here's what I'm thinking so far. The lease on my house is for a year and it expires each February, so that creates a yearly window of opportunity for me to make the necessary changes. The idea of the plan is to find a plausible reason to leave the state/country for an extended period of time. I would leave my cat with my parents to care for while I'm gone (They love cats so they wouldn't be too upset if his stay became permanent). I would make this known to my roommates ahead of time so they could make preparations to find housing elsewhere so I can terminate the lease. There is no perfect way to solve obstacle C, but being gone for a reason that my mother finds acceptable would help her to feel less attached to me and get used to the idea of me not being around. This would lessen the impact on her daily life caused by my sudden absence.

This is the only path I can think of that would solve these three problems. The only thing now is that I need to find a plausible reason to leave for a long time, at least a year. I haven't come up with a good solution to that, but the ideas I have now are:
A - to find some amazing job opportunity abroad that I would plan to do for a certain amount of time before returning home. the problems with this are actually finding that job opportunity, and plausibly getting my current job to fire me. (simply quitting wouldn't really make sense because my current job is already a pretty sweet deal)
B - To get into a serious relationship with someone who either is okay with my plan, is okay with pretending, or wants to CTB with me. We would each tell our families that the other wants to move abroad for a job and that we are going with them. This one would work really well, but what are the odds of finding someone like that eh?
C - To join the military and get sent off somewhere far away. this one has the bonus that I could end up getting deployed somewhere dangerous and die accidentally, but the downside that suddenly enlisting would probably cause the panic and worry in my friends and family that I wanted to avoid in the first place. not to mention that I would have to come up with a believable reason to do so out of nowhere.

Once I am gone, I would slowly get in contact with my current friends and family less and less over time to make the transition less abrupt. Once I felt it was good enough, I would use what money I have banked up to attain whatever CTB method I choose. (Probably something peaceful like N or an exit bag, more research required) I would use the rest of the money to just do whatever I want, finish off the ol' bucket list. I would finish my autobiography, doubling as a suicide note, leaving no possible questions unanswered. I would find a nice spot, somewhere warm and pretty. In the mountains maybe. I'd lie down with some music and end it, at peace knowing I did everything in my power to make sure the people I cared about would be okay.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I don't know how you could solve all that - that's the ever persisting problem we all have - someone will suffer.

May I ask why you wanna die? (Only if u want to answer this)

 

[Ociv]

I don't know how you could solve all that - that's the ever persisting problem we all have - someone will suffer.

May I ask why you wanna die? (Only if u want to answer this)

Yes, someone will suffer. It is impossible to completely remove the suffering, but I can do everything in my power to make the transition as painless for them as possible.

The reason I want to die is simply because I don't want to live. On a day-to-day basis, far more bad things happen to me than good things, and the pain I feel from my daily miseries is much worse than the pleasure I feel from everything else. It simply doesn't feel worth it to keep living like this. Life, to me, is a vicious cycle. i wake up, I go to work, I go home, I go to bed. I earn money so I can keep living so I can earn more money. It is a circular footpath covered in thorny brambles; It hurts to go forward, and going forward leads me nowhere. I want no part in it anymore.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best and I hope that you eventually find what you search for, your feelings of wishing to be permanently free from this existence really are understandable, this dreadful and futile existence could certainly never be desirable to me as well.

 

[justcallmeJ]

i would say that your cat can easily live somewhere else, it might miss you a lot but wont grief as much as humans do.
Your roommates could find other solutions maybe, if you do plan a date, give them an headsup your gonna move away soon? Maybe leave behind some rent money so they have a some time to figure things out.
And your mom, well there is no solution for that, no matter how you die or dissapear, she will be very sad. I cant think of anything to minimize the damage realisticly. Im sorry you gotta make these hard choices :(

 

[yearsoflonliness]

I'm sorry if this is a bit insensitive. Your requirements are ridiculous.

You can literally make up any excuse to your friends and family. Tell them you're going to study abroad. Tell them you got a fantastic job offer somewhere and you're going to take it. Tell them you want to earn a specific degree that's only offered at a specific university. Tell them you want to 'challenge yourself' and see the world. Tell them you want to help with global events and join the Peace Corps or something. There are a thousand reasons you could come up with about leaving. People lie to their parents about still attending school even after they've been kicked out. It's not particularly hard to do and most people don't ask for receipts. So you have a lot of choices there, and they probably wouldn't ask many questions.

You can quit a job for any reason, unless you are contractually obligated to stay. You do not need to offer them an explanation, especially if the employment is at will. You don't need to tell anyone that you're quitting either. Unless your family has ties with your coworkers or friends, they're not going to give a shit. And unless you tell your family, they'll have no idea you've quit either, unless they manage your bank account. But they'd only notice after your paychecks stop coming in. My mom didn't even know I was getting let go from my job because she never fucking asked me. If she didn't overhear me talking about it to my sibling she'd have had no idea. I wasn't even trying to hide it.

As a side note, if you really want a job elsewhere, it's best to stay employed while you secure the other employment. Ask your coworkers to be references.

If you're planning on dying, it makes almost no sense to get into a relationship with someone. The chances of finding someone that will want to CTB with you and actually go through with it is a pipe dream. If you fell in love with each other, neither of you would want the other to die, so it would even be counterproductive. I've already read too many horror stories about it. Adding another person to your suicide plan is a liability. It would probably not "go really well" as you hope.

The military is not a good option for your plans. You explained that already.

You are not responsible for your roommate's situations. They are responsible for their own housing. You don't owe it to them. It's courteous to let them know you won't renew the lease ahead of time. If all of you are on the lease, they'd just have to find someone to replace you. It wouldn't be hard for them, people do that all the time. If you're good friends with them, yeah, they'll be annoyed and want an explanation. So consider that. But again, you're not responsible for making sure they can keep living there.

Your mom is going to go crazy regardless if you push her away for a year or if you die tomorrow. That's just a tough fact about killing yourself. It hurts the people that care about you.

If your cat could stay with family, then he's all set. Honestly, you should have had that discussion with your family before you adopted him. Even for non-suicidal people, In the event you died or anything happened, it's always good to discuss contingency plans with others.

I want to add that distancing yourself from people that you're close to will hurt them. Killing yourself will hurt them. You sound like you are very well adjusted and cared for in your social circle. It will be hell for you to isolate yourself in the way you describe. I've been isolated for almost a decade, not by choice. Trust me, you do not want to experience this if you can avoid it. You're going to hurt everyone that cares about you regardless if you isolate for a year or kill yourself in the next 10 minutes.

It sounds to me like you want that year of isolation to reconsider. You'd probably end up making new friends where ever you move. Maybe you just want people to notice how you feel? Maybe you just want to feel understood, since you're hoping to find a relationship with someone that also wants to ctb? It sounds like you're not very sure about it, considering you've made up all these roadblocks for yourself. Definitely think more about it before you make irreversible changes to your life.

 

[Ociv]

People lie to their parents about still attending school even after they've been kicked out. It's not particularly hard to do and most people don't ask for receipts. So you have a lot of choices there, and they probably wouldn't ask many questions.

The thing you have to understand about my family is that they are extremely invested in what is going on in my life. helicopter parent level. and usually, i indulge them since theyre so nice and i dont think they deserve to be brushed off just for being interested in my life. they would certainly ask a rediculous amount of questions and try to help me and get as involved in whatever I am doing as they can. it will be hard to keep details from them without them getting confused and worried, which is why i need it to be believable, and something I can actually give some sort of tangible progress reports on. they will ask for receipts. if I dont give them, like I normally do, they will know something is up and they will start to get worried and panic. they always do. this is another reason it needs to be gradual. i need to fade away, and it needs to be for a reason that they accept and are comfortable with.

You don't need to tell anyone that you're quitting either. Unless your family has ties with your coworkers or friends, they're not going to give a shit.

As with earlier, they will give a shit. massively. I talk to them multiple times a week, especially my mother, about how my job is going. If I quit, even if I dont tell her, she will fucking see the signs and figure it out. shes nosy like that.

As a side note, if you really want a job elsewhere, it's best to stay employed while you secure the other employment. Ask your coworkers to be references.

yes I definitely wouldnt do it any other way. I would need the extra cash anyhow.

If you're planning on dying, it makes almost no sense to get into a relationship with someone. The chances of finding someone that will want to CTB with you and actually go through with it is a pipe dream. If you fell in love with each other, neither of you would want the other to die, so it would even be counterproductive. I've already read too many horror stories about it. Adding another person to your suicide plan is a liability. It would probably not "go really well" as you hope.

I still think It would go well for two reasons. 1, I would meet someone, we fall in love, and I miraculously dont want to CTB anymore. success. 2, I meet someone, we fall in love, she is down with my plan, I now have a very convincing alibi for wanting to leave, and if people try to dig too deep into it, i can just pull the privacy card and they will back off. it is incredibly unlikely for either of those things to happen, but I think if either did I would be set.

Your mom is going to go crazy regardless if you push her away for a year or if you die tomorrow. That's just a tough fact about killing yourself. It hurts the people that care about you.

The point of this is not to remove the pain it will cause her, but to easer her into it. if I slowly fade out of her life, it will be less painful than if I were to just vanish at once.

It will be hell for you to isolate yourself in the way you describe. I've been isolated for almost a decade, not by choice. Trust me, you do not want to experience this if you can avoid it. You're going to hurt everyone that cares about you regardless if you isolate for a year or kill yourself in the next 10 minutes.

Once again, the point is to ease people into the idea of living without me. if it happens over time it will hurt less than all at once. also, I never meant to actually isolate myself. I would be in contact with them, just less so over time. also, I never said I couldnt have social interactions in whatever place I end up, the goal is just too ween off the people who are invested in me at the moment.

It sounds to me like you want that year of isolation to reconsider. You'd probably end up making new friends where ever you move. Maybe you just want people to notice how you feel? Maybe you just want to feel understood, since you're hoping to find a relationship with someone that also wants to ctb? It sounds like you're not very sure about it, considering you've made up all these roadblocks for yourself. Definitely think more about it before you make irreversible changes to your life.

Not true. probably. Nope. Nope, my ex already understood me, so I know thats not a craving of mine. No, im not making this shit up, these are actual problems I feel the need to solve. I have been thinking about this for like a year.


Ill be the first to admit that this plan is half baked, but I am still actively working on it. I appreciate your opinions (I like being able to bounce ideas off people, it helps me figure things out), but youre making a hell of a lot of assumptions about me and my family. You do not know them as well as I do. my family is not your family. my friends are not your friends.

 

[yearsoflonliness]

You're right. Now that you've explained a bit about the helicopter parent situation, I understand better. My parents don't care about me, so by default I didn't think you would struggle with that.

It does sound like a big problem.

Imo the easiest bet for you is to just look for work elsewhere. Everything else can go off of that.

 

[sinalas8]

im sorry to say this but you should change your routine instead of killing yourself. If the root of your depression is that life cycle then fuck the system. move somewhere else where you can enjoy life, nature, and work less. If you work remotely or with less then go to a cheaper country and you'll find joy again

 

[another_user]

It might be a good idea to find some way to get away for a few days or a week and see how it makes you feel and if you feel that you want to come back after it?

That could tell you a lot about whether your situation is making things worse for you because you do sound like you feel trapped in your current life if your roommates depend on you for rent and your mother for emotional support.

Also not to make you feel bad, but even if your mother didn't see you for years before you died it wouldn't ease her pain and could make it worse if she blames herself for the distance.