Venting My pitiful story: Social suicide before the real one ?!?

[Kodama]

I don't know why, but i used to be very very imprudent these 10 last year about money... I had very good jobs and i was well paid for these jobs, but i'd never save money... Instead of that, i had a very pleasant life, i i was sure that my professional karma will do the job...
I created my own startup 2 years ago, raising funds easily at the beginning but the situation turned bad this summer... No more money, bank dept and probably bankrupt situation before the end of 2019... like if i unconsciously choose the way of a social suicide... (My Social SI is really weak)
I'm feeling very guilty about that. Because of my children first: I'll be unable to give the the confort they had until know. Because of my GF for the same reasons...
and, i know it's really stupid, because of my Business angels and my partners even if nobody will be so affected by the amount of money they'll probably loose (most of them are very rich).
I'm in this mindset state since end of august but instead of kicking myself to find solutions and asking for help, i deeply failed into a depression or burnout state, waiting for the end of this situation.
I'm very very angry about myself because of that... and i started to plan CTB before the end of my company, before the banks take all my remaining personal money to let my children use it...
I'm also shamed about the fact that, instead a lot of people here, i was OK in term of health (physically and mentaly), i had a good life until this summer, i traveled a lot, i have a lovely GF... but a part of me thinks that it was a pleasure to burn...
Am I dumb or was it an own personal depression hidden in my brain waiting for such kind of situation to appear ?
BTW, every day i'm waking up focussing on the bad thought, wanting to CTB and every evening, i'm naively dreaming about a last minute miracle to let the sleep coming.
I know than in Buthan, people use to say that nothing is certain expect the fact that everybody will die sooner or later... meaning than i can win 5 time per week at the lottery and fix everything in a snap or be killed accidentally, crossing a road or driving my car... But impossible for me to practice this philosophy and let it be and time is running fast now.
Sorry for this long and probably too frenglish message (i'm French)...

 

[ChristopherWalken]

There was a ted talk I found on youtube a while back talking about financial shame. The speaker told of her brother who had always been wealthy and spent conspicuously. He came upon hard times but hid it from his family and tried to maintain his lifestyle by going deeply into debt. When the banks would no longer loan him or his wife money he confessed his problems to his sister. His sister came up with a very reasonable, frugal plan for him to resolve his financial problems over a period of a few years and loaned him enough money to get started. He agreed and was very grateful and they were in tears and hugged and she was so happy to help him. Instead however within a matter of months he did not stick to the plan at all but continued to spend as before and when all the money was gone he returned to his sister for more. She had no choice but to say no and only loan him a little more. A couple weeks later he had committed suicide.
So her point was that shame and in his case financial shame is a powerful force. Within social circles, within families it is an unspoken invisible force. Shame is extremely powerful. Somehow it is capable of existing as an external social force and an internalized emotion simultaneously and for whatever reason we don't really talk about financial and status shame but it is just as real and powerful as any other type.
For whatever reason, or likely a great number of reasons, you have linked the success of your company and your financial success to your value as a person and your value as a father and a partner to your girlfriend and even as a friend. You did this because you believed it was necessary to have the drive and ambition to make your business successful in the beginning, and perhaps it was necessary at the time because we humans are emotional beings. But is is illogical. And now this illogical linkage is driving you to death. At least that is my take.
This is a forum for suicidal people so you probably did not expect a motivational pep-talk, but I can relate to how you feel when you are watching all you've built come crumbling down and don't know how to tell anyone the house is on fire. There's not a snowballs chance in hell left for me but there might still be a chance left for you. After everything is gone and you are bankrupt and penniless, you can still walk into a bar and strike up a conversation with someone and a new opportunity could arise. Just last night I met a guy who offered me a job that would have been perfect for me and probably opened up tons of doors in the future. And this is after I've been jobless for 3 months, the sun has been setting on my business since last year, and I've been in a downward spiral of failing health, drinking, drugs, and my ex wife denying me any contact with my kids for many months.
But after all that, if you still choose suicide then I wish you good luck, you will find much support here and info for a peaceful exit.

 

[Kodama]

It's not only about me... if i CTB before the end of 2019, i'll be able to let money to my children (even i i know they would prefer their daddy instead of €)...
Banks cannot seize this money from them after i die.

 

[ChristopherWalken]

Well, if you are absolutely 100% certain that you must end you life at some point in the future then I guess this is a valid consideration. I am absolutely sure that your kids would pay any amount of money to keep their dad alive though. This is making me really sad.

 

[Kodama]

Well, if you are absolutely 100% certain

Love vs Guilt, Hope vs Fear of this future, Lack of sleep & situational depression... Not 100% certain but trapped and tired so 95% certain I guess...