Lucifer’s Son
I’m going somewhere better
- Jul 14, 2026
- 58
I am not attempting today, and I don't plan to until I can take a trip to NYC in a couple of weeks. (My most favorite place in the world.) Right now, this thread and OP is just a skeleton for me to build on up until then. Over time, I'll write about my reasoning for suicide and other thoughts, along with my method. I'll update this introduction once that night comes.
I will be using B&M SN.
For this first initial post, here's what I have to say:
I am a 31 year old trans man. I have about 6 suicide attempts under my belt, and this will be my most serious in terms of lethality chance.
First off- Being trans sucks ass. This body is like a clown costume I didn't consent to wearing. It's completely wrong. Where is my penis? Why do I have these child-bearing hips? It's not me. This body is not me, it does not match who I am inside. My dysphoria is severe and honestly not fully relieved through transition. A penis transplant might be possible in the future, but I don't want to have to potentially wait until I'm too old for a major surgery like that, if it even arrives in my lifetime at all. And I don't want to have to keep living with this dysphoria. Oh, and all the transphobia ain't that fun either.
I was also *severely* abused. It was frankly worse than what most people in the West have been through. My mother kidnapped me at the age of three (that alone involved trauma such as identity confusion from her giving me another name to go by, and having to hide from the police and believing they would kill my mother and and I) for a year, and we ended up with a cult-like group that sex trafficked me, used me in CSAM, and did other things that I don't want to get into. But those things were very bad. My mom married one of those men, and he began sexually abusing me again around the age of 12. My mom was also insane in general, and she emotionally and spiritually abused me. There was also a lot of divorce drama between her and my dad. As a result of everything, I developed polyfragmented DID and ptsd.
I am a very spiritual person, and I believe our current lives are not all there is. I believe that once this body dies, I'll be able to reincarnate into another one, and another set of circumstances, that matches who I really am. I will admit that messing up that possibility is the one thing that makes me hesitant about ctb, that ragequitting might disqualify for me. But I have reasons for believing that there still is hope even if I do.
So, this is me and why I'm doing what I am.
My dad is an incredible man. I'm so sorry that bitch ruined my life to the extent that I want to escape and leave him with my sudden and traumatic death.
I will be using B&M SN.
For this first initial post, here's what I have to say:
I am a 31 year old trans man. I have about 6 suicide attempts under my belt, and this will be my most serious in terms of lethality chance.
First off- Being trans sucks ass. This body is like a clown costume I didn't consent to wearing. It's completely wrong. Where is my penis? Why do I have these child-bearing hips? It's not me. This body is not me, it does not match who I am inside. My dysphoria is severe and honestly not fully relieved through transition. A penis transplant might be possible in the future, but I don't want to have to potentially wait until I'm too old for a major surgery like that, if it even arrives in my lifetime at all. And I don't want to have to keep living with this dysphoria. Oh, and all the transphobia ain't that fun either.
I was also *severely* abused. It was frankly worse than what most people in the West have been through. My mother kidnapped me at the age of three (that alone involved trauma such as identity confusion from her giving me another name to go by, and having to hide from the police and believing they would kill my mother and and I) for a year, and we ended up with a cult-like group that sex trafficked me, used me in CSAM, and did other things that I don't want to get into. But those things were very bad. My mom married one of those men, and he began sexually abusing me again around the age of 12. My mom was also insane in general, and she emotionally and spiritually abused me. There was also a lot of divorce drama between her and my dad. As a result of everything, I developed polyfragmented DID and ptsd.
I am a very spiritual person, and I believe our current lives are not all there is. I believe that once this body dies, I'll be able to reincarnate into another one, and another set of circumstances, that matches who I really am. I will admit that messing up that possibility is the one thing that makes me hesitant about ctb, that ragequitting might disqualify for me. But I have reasons for believing that there still is hope even if I do.
So, this is me and why I'm doing what I am.
My dad is an incredible man. I'm so sorry that bitch ruined my life to the extent that I want to escape and leave him with my sudden and traumatic death.
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However you proceed in your path, I wish you peace. 
