my person is gone

[Zykg85]

i don't even know where to begin, i've been broken since December 1, 2023, when my person, my only person in the whole world, died. She was my everything. I'd known her for 8 years, and those years were so tough for her; we were a long-distance relationship. More than friends, but less than dating; mostly because she wasn't fond of labels, and didn't want to feel trapped or locked into anything. Even though we were still bonded to each other and no one else. I have BPD and she was my fp.. She has OSDD with attachment disorders so she bonded to me near as fast as i had with her. It wasn't instantaneous. We were just close friends for a number of years. Then sometime after the 5th year, i realized i felt so reliant on her for any sense of emotioanl stability, and she realized the same.

The last cpl years were really rough for her, she started using more than weed & alcohol. I didn't mind mostly because she was as careful as you'd imagine someone could be. Always showed how much she was using, and wouldn't use more. She liked to walk in the streets at night; not necessarily bc streets, but because night. But bad ppl did bad things to her in the streets at night and her drug use got worse n worse. She was fighting it though. Kept trying to go clean, and i'd help her whether clean & sober, or actively using. I just never wanted her to feel ashamed or like she was disappointing me.

On Dec 1st, we did a video chat like we did almost every night. She was at her fam's house for the holidays, Christmas is her fav time of the year because she'd get to spend it with her relatives, even though they treated her poorly or acted like they didn't care much for her interests.. She went to sleep after.. then never woke up again

I am destroyed. I was gonna fly out to visit her and spend a week next feb for her birthday, but now there's nothing..

None of her family knew i existed. Mostly she was afraid to tell them about me for fear they'd reject me bc a few members of her family are racist asf. Her older sister, she'd started telling things about me, like how much she loved me, or how much i did things for her to help her out over the years, and the sister was supportive of it.

But before she died, the sister had failed her more than a few times in terms of support in big ways, on top of failing to hide her own drug use, which also triggered my friend...

I've lurked here for a while and never had reason to post..

I've tried to CTB a few times in the past, mostly due to loneliness and emptiness bc BPD, but i'd never grieved before.. now i am, and it's torture. She was my sole purpose for being and now she's gone, and i know she wants me to go on and all that, but.. i just..can't.

I gotta be with her keep her safe, keep her company.. if i'm not sleeping i'm crying, if i'm not crying i'm sleeping. I just want to make it stop now...

p.s. i couldn't tell what prefix to give this.. im sorry

 

[sjoper1980]

I'm so sorry :(

 

[ropearoundatree]

This is just so brutal. I'm very terribly sorry to learn & hear of your loss. And I'm sorry for your now grieving process. I don't have any advice to give on how to handle, nor (to) process that... but just know that you have been heard, and/or listened to. And are now being thought of. Take care of yourself.

 

[Zykg85]

it's so freaking hard. Just to be awake, let alone get out of bed and try to eat or drink water.. or whatever.

I keep taking my old meds to keep me asleep or numb... she used to say that's why she used drugs.. it made the time go by faster. I never really felt it.. i understood it kinda, logically or rationally, but i never felt it.. i do now.

cuz when i'm numb, the loss can't touch me, and the time goes by so fast.. i hate being conscious. i hate being awake. my world is gone, how do i go on without her.

ik she wanted me to go on, cuz to her i was so strong and could withstand so much, but i couldn't withstand a thing without her with me to see it through..

i don't want to be here anymore. i want it to end..

 

[TheLastGreySky]

Ask yourself if she would want you to live or not. You are the one who chooses what to do from here. And I know how bad it hurts to lose your soulmate.
But, if you're strong enough; do what she would want you to, and if you're not, then that's okay.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

I'm so sorry....

 

[ropearoundatree]

I think that you'll find that--& you may already be well aware of this, or know it--but that, over time that will end up hurting you, or as in affecting your overall health, in a negative & detrimental way. But that said, I completely understand it! And you've got to do, what you've got to do, in order to survive & get by. So I wish you the best, and nothing but success going forward. It's just a tragedy all around...

 

[Zykg85]

Ask yourself if she would want you to live or not. You are the one who chooses what to do from here. And I know how bad it hurts to lose your soulmate.
But, if you're strong enough; do what she would want you to, and if you're not, then that's okay.

her spirit wants me to go on, and be okay, and just keep going, so she can be okay and move on to her next destination
but it's so hard to wake up in a world she's not in anymore.. and it hurts more knowing i was the only one she really trusted. It should give me a sense of peace but it just hurts because everyone else was so unkind to her and she didn't deserve it and it hurt her so much...
She didn't mean to leave either, she didn't OD, she just went to sleep and didn't know it'd be the last time.. we had 8 years, but it wasn't enough time..

 

[TheLastGreySky]

her spirit wants me to go on, and be okay, and just keep going, so she can be okay and move on to her next destination
but it's so hard to wake up in a world she's not in anymore.. and it hurts more knowing i was the only one she really trusted. It should give me a sense of peace but it just hurts because everyone else was so unkind to her and she didn't deserve it and it hurt her so much...
She didn't mean to leave either, she didn't OD, she just went to sleep and didn't know it'd be the last time.. we had 8 years, but it wasn't enough time..

I was married 12 years, from 17 (fucking kansas) to 28, and she left me. And worst of all, I absolutely deserved it. And at my lowest I met the love of my life, and it scared me because I was on felony bond when we met in 2020 and I knew that I was going to prison. I really fucked things up with the love of my life, and only recently we started talking again. I am walking on eggshells. Making things up to her and waking up next to her is the ONLY thing I want. The only reason I am still here is because I'm waiting on a 15 grand check that I intend to leave my kids. ( My ex won't let me see them, but I am going to make sure they get every cent other than what I owe my current gf) The only thing I want to say here is this...

When you die your story is over.
I think it would be good to have more stories to tell your girl when you pass on.
We don't really know what's next, and if this life really is all we have... then we should try to live it.
And I know that's a tall glass of water. But I have done EVERYTHING I could ever dream of.
I want to live for the person I love, or I want to die to atone with my blood for my mistakes.
But, I can safely say, no matter what my punishment is, I won't question what could of been.
Alas, if you chose to leave this world, then I pray that you find peace and that you and your partner are together again.

 

[Heem wasnt there]

I'm so sorry, and I wish I could grieve with you. I'm going through something extremely similar I lost my best friend and soulmate in January. People say it gets easier, but that's not entirely true. Really it just gets easier to handle. Whatever is next for you, I wish you the best. I hope she rests in peace.

I was married 12 years, from 17 (fucking kansas) to 28, and she left me. And worst of all, I absolutely deserved it. And at my lowest I met the love of my life, and it scared me because I was on felony bond when we met in 2020 and I knew that I was going to prison. I really fucked things up with the love of my life, and only recently we started talking again. I am walking on eggshells. Making things up to her and waking up next to her is the ONLY thing I want. The only reason I am still here is because I'm waiting on a 15 grand check that I intend to leave my kids. ( My ex won't let me see them, but I am going to make sure they get every cent other than what I owe my current gf) The only thing I want to say here is this...

When you die your story is over.
I think it would be good to have more stories to tell your girl when you pass on.
We don't really know what's next, and if this life really is all we have... then we should try to live it.
And I know that's a tall glass of water. But I have done EVERYTHING I could ever dream of.
I want to live for the person I love, or I want to die to atone with my blood for my mistakes.
But, I can safely say, no matter what my punishment is, I won't question what could of been.
Alas, if you chose to leave this world, then I pray that you find peace and that you and your partner are together again.

I really like what you wrote at the end. It's a nice sentiment to have more stories to share with someone you've lost when you're reunited. It's very poetic in a way.

 

[MarsProxy]

I lost my partner and soulmate Nov. 22nd. It hurts to lose so much. A person who is everything to you. People will tell you it'll get easier over time or you'll learn to cope or try to distract your brain from the trauma. That's for you to decide, but that "advice" doesn't help me. I lost the one person who made my life worth living because it was with him.

 

[Zykg85]

I lost my partner and soulmate Nov. 22nd. It hurts to lose so much. A person who is everything to you. People will tell you it'll get easier over time or you'll learn to cope or try to distract your brain from the trauma. That's for you to decide, but that "advice" doesn't help me. I lost the one person who made my life worth living because it was with him.

that's exactly how i feel about her ._.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this.