From 2016-2018, I went through a mental breakdown and tried to twice kill myself. Since then, I have been in weekly therapy and taking meds and the situation has gotten A LOT better.
But…
I am married to someone I love and admire but who is a real emotional bully when they are stressed. And they are stressed all the time now. My psychiatrist thinks my partner should be on meds to curb some of their aggressive tendencies, but they refuse to contemplate this. My psychiatrist also thinks they are complicating my recovery, and I can see that.
I have kept a suicide diary for five years now and almost all of my deep crises have come after fights with my partner over trivial things. I recently spent two months away from them, and these were incredibly peaceful and productive months. Now that I am back in the household, I am depressed again.
The recent bout of fights is due to home improvement. Let me give an example…
We moved into a new home and do not have the cash to do home improvements that are necessary. I am the only one of us who has any skills in this area, so it falls to me to do them.
In the last two weeks I have:
Built an office table.
Built a balcony for our veranda.
Resurfaced our dining room table.
Ordered, painted, decorated and varnished seven stools for the veranda.
Set up and organized our home studio (both of us use this).
Resurfaced our living room coffee table.
Met with a professional carpenter to discuss emergency repairs on some of the house's woodwork, which I cannot do myself.
Bought and hauled a rocking chair for my mother-in-law.
Scraped mold off the veranda walls, resealed the windows, prepped the walls for painting.
Thoroughly cleaned up after all the above projects.
Reorganized two entire closets of tools and supplies thrown in chaotically after our move.
Last night, I was totally beat after spending the day under the office table screwing in the supports for the studio into the underbelly of the office table and scrubbing the office floor to remove any trace of paint or varnish spillage. My hands were covered in cuts and I had a nasty burn on my leg from an encounter with hot drill bit. I was sore as fuck and barely able to move.
My partner came into demand I change the cat litter. Normally, we switch off nights doing this and this was my night. I asked my partner if it couldn't wait until tomorrow morning. The litter box didn't stink. I said I'd do it first thing in the morning.
My partner screamed at me that I wasn't doing my fair share of the chores and was "having fun" doing "things I like" while they had to work and do all the housework.
I tried to tell them that I wasn't negating doing the housework: I just wanted to do it in the morning, after I had recovered a little.
Now, to be fair, my partner has had far more "real work" to do than me over the past few weeks. Both of us are teachers and they are also an administrator, overwhelmed with getting their school up and running again after lockdowns. They rub this in my face any time they feel they need to prove their moral superiority, however. Plus, my own workload has been considerable, what with teaching, translating, and grant writing.
Last night, I almost broke down while they were screaming at me and came as close as I ever have to physically attacking another person. Then, disgusted and scared at my thoughts (action-wise, all I did was stare at them, icily), I came here and started researching suicide methods, which is something I haven't done in a long while.
Today, I finished the clean up and painting and have been laying down for a couple of hours, prior to taking out the garbage and taking a shower before bed. My partner came in and read me riot orders about taking out the garbage. I just pointed to the nasty burn on my leg and cut hands. I said nothing. Now, note: I ALWAYS take out the garbage. Every. Fucking. Night. My partner does not have to remind me to do this and they know it. Their "reminding" me was thus completely gratuitous.
Their response was "I worked all day too and I am not complaining about little cuts and burns". (They are the biggest hypochondriac I know and complain for days if they get so much as a paper cut.)
Now here I am again.
I know the textbook answer is "leave this abusive relationship", but I really love my partner and they do love me. We have been together for twenty years and they have always been there for me when I needed them. Our lives are also massively intertwined, domestically, emotionally, and professionally. They are also much more charismatic and personable than me, so if I left, it would mean having to start an entirely different life. I am in my 50s and I LIKE our lives. Also, I know my partner well enough to understand the pressures they are under, which are considerable. I am sure I would not be able to do better at keeping it all together than they are doing.
But I also feel I just don't have the psychic energy to serve as their emotional punching bag. Somehow, I have become that and they are not willing to look at what they are doing to me. They aren't willing to deal with their own aggressive tendencies and I can no longer take them.
Between breaking up with them (and consequently upending my life) or killing myself, I feel I only have the energy to kill myself. In fact, I am beginning to relish the idea as "better" than attacking them. I feel that one problem is that all my life I have been learning to direct my anger and aggression inwards at me. Now that I am improving, I am afraid I am losing inhibitions to do violence to others. I feel like I don't know how to defend myself from the raging feelings I have inside WITHOUT cutting myself. Last night I was sooooo close to just hauling off and slugging my partner. I could just picture how my hand would feel smashing into their face. I'd rather kill myself than do that.
My partner was abandoned by their father just when their parents were getting ready to buy a house. The father took off with all the cash and shacked up in another state with another woman. Now we have bought a house and moved into it. This has been a life goal for the both of us. But I also feel it has brought up some ugly unfinished business in my partner's head. I feel that they feel, emotionally, that this move MUST be accompanied by abandonment and that all their anger towards their father is now being directed at me. I feel they subconsciously EXPECT to be abandoned and are thus pushing me to it.
If I abandon them, I feel I should do so through suicide. Aside from not having the psychic resources to walk away from my partner of twenty years and the life we worked so hard to create, I feel that if I kill myself and leave a public record of why I did so, maybe they will finally start the therapy that they need.
So instead of making keeping my suicide diary private, I plan to come on here when I feel like killing myself and write about it. Then, if I do, I will leave a link here so that my partner and others can see the process as to how and why I came to that decision.
Any insights are welcome.
But…
I am married to someone I love and admire but who is a real emotional bully when they are stressed. And they are stressed all the time now. My psychiatrist thinks my partner should be on meds to curb some of their aggressive tendencies, but they refuse to contemplate this. My psychiatrist also thinks they are complicating my recovery, and I can see that.
I have kept a suicide diary for five years now and almost all of my deep crises have come after fights with my partner over trivial things. I recently spent two months away from them, and these were incredibly peaceful and productive months. Now that I am back in the household, I am depressed again.
The recent bout of fights is due to home improvement. Let me give an example…
We moved into a new home and do not have the cash to do home improvements that are necessary. I am the only one of us who has any skills in this area, so it falls to me to do them.
In the last two weeks I have:
Built an office table.
Built a balcony for our veranda.
Resurfaced our dining room table.
Ordered, painted, decorated and varnished seven stools for the veranda.
Set up and organized our home studio (both of us use this).
Resurfaced our living room coffee table.
Met with a professional carpenter to discuss emergency repairs on some of the house's woodwork, which I cannot do myself.
Bought and hauled a rocking chair for my mother-in-law.
Scraped mold off the veranda walls, resealed the windows, prepped the walls for painting.
Thoroughly cleaned up after all the above projects.
Reorganized two entire closets of tools and supplies thrown in chaotically after our move.
Last night, I was totally beat after spending the day under the office table screwing in the supports for the studio into the underbelly of the office table and scrubbing the office floor to remove any trace of paint or varnish spillage. My hands were covered in cuts and I had a nasty burn on my leg from an encounter with hot drill bit. I was sore as fuck and barely able to move.
My partner came into demand I change the cat litter. Normally, we switch off nights doing this and this was my night. I asked my partner if it couldn't wait until tomorrow morning. The litter box didn't stink. I said I'd do it first thing in the morning.
My partner screamed at me that I wasn't doing my fair share of the chores and was "having fun" doing "things I like" while they had to work and do all the housework.
I tried to tell them that I wasn't negating doing the housework: I just wanted to do it in the morning, after I had recovered a little.
Now, to be fair, my partner has had far more "real work" to do than me over the past few weeks. Both of us are teachers and they are also an administrator, overwhelmed with getting their school up and running again after lockdowns. They rub this in my face any time they feel they need to prove their moral superiority, however. Plus, my own workload has been considerable, what with teaching, translating, and grant writing.
Last night, I almost broke down while they were screaming at me and came as close as I ever have to physically attacking another person. Then, disgusted and scared at my thoughts (action-wise, all I did was stare at them, icily), I came here and started researching suicide methods, which is something I haven't done in a long while.
Today, I finished the clean up and painting and have been laying down for a couple of hours, prior to taking out the garbage and taking a shower before bed. My partner came in and read me riot orders about taking out the garbage. I just pointed to the nasty burn on my leg and cut hands. I said nothing. Now, note: I ALWAYS take out the garbage. Every. Fucking. Night. My partner does not have to remind me to do this and they know it. Their "reminding" me was thus completely gratuitous.
Their response was "I worked all day too and I am not complaining about little cuts and burns". (They are the biggest hypochondriac I know and complain for days if they get so much as a paper cut.)
Now here I am again.
I know the textbook answer is "leave this abusive relationship", but I really love my partner and they do love me. We have been together for twenty years and they have always been there for me when I needed them. Our lives are also massively intertwined, domestically, emotionally, and professionally. They are also much more charismatic and personable than me, so if I left, it would mean having to start an entirely different life. I am in my 50s and I LIKE our lives. Also, I know my partner well enough to understand the pressures they are under, which are considerable. I am sure I would not be able to do better at keeping it all together than they are doing.
But I also feel I just don't have the psychic energy to serve as their emotional punching bag. Somehow, I have become that and they are not willing to look at what they are doing to me. They aren't willing to deal with their own aggressive tendencies and I can no longer take them.
Between breaking up with them (and consequently upending my life) or killing myself, I feel I only have the energy to kill myself. In fact, I am beginning to relish the idea as "better" than attacking them. I feel that one problem is that all my life I have been learning to direct my anger and aggression inwards at me. Now that I am improving, I am afraid I am losing inhibitions to do violence to others. I feel like I don't know how to defend myself from the raging feelings I have inside WITHOUT cutting myself. Last night I was sooooo close to just hauling off and slugging my partner. I could just picture how my hand would feel smashing into their face. I'd rather kill myself than do that.
My partner was abandoned by their father just when their parents were getting ready to buy a house. The father took off with all the cash and shacked up in another state with another woman. Now we have bought a house and moved into it. This has been a life goal for the both of us. But I also feel it has brought up some ugly unfinished business in my partner's head. I feel that they feel, emotionally, that this move MUST be accompanied by abandonment and that all their anger towards their father is now being directed at me. I feel they subconsciously EXPECT to be abandoned and are thus pushing me to it.
If I abandon them, I feel I should do so through suicide. Aside from not having the psychic resources to walk away from my partner of twenty years and the life we worked so hard to create, I feel that if I kill myself and leave a public record of why I did so, maybe they will finally start the therapy that they need.
So instead of making keeping my suicide diary private, I plan to come on here when I feel like killing myself and write about it. Then, if I do, I will leave a link here so that my partner and others can see the process as to how and why I came to that decision.
Any insights are welcome.
