My partner sees me as a liability now. I've burnt my last bridge.

[Xerces976]

I've been a member for a long time and lurked for even longer, but recent events have led me to making my first post.

I am 30F. I've been with my boyfriend 32M for almost 8 years now. He was my only safe space to share my innermost thoughts and emotions until this week.

Long story short, he loaned me $1400 cash for trucking school tuition, and asked for it back just a week later before I could use it. I didn't ask for the money, but he insisted that I take it so he could "help".

I currently work weekend nights (7p-7:30a) as a CNA at a hospital. Around 5am one worknight, I was particularly overwhelmed and called him from a bathroom to vent.

At this point, I'd slept 4 hours out of the past 48. I hadn't eaten more than a couple cans of soup in this time because I'm fucking broke.

In the bathroom, I was whimpering like a little twat and made the grave mistake to say "If I could blow my brains out rn, I would".

Hours after my shift ended, he sent me a text stating he wanted his money back.

I immediately gave it back and asked why, did something come up? I totally understood, it was no biggie because it's his money after all.

But no, he said this:

"I know you've been going through hell lately. Honestly, this is the worst I've ever seen you and I'm worried. So just in the event you do snap and do something drastic, I just didn't want to lose the money I lent you."

He went on to double down, saying things such as, "statistics show that people who say things like that more than once are more likely to actually do it", and, "I panicked, I thought I was going to lose you and the money! I just tried to be pre-emptive!"

I felt sick to my stomach. It took an hour of me explaining WHY it was incredibly vile of him to use my mini breakdown in the bathroom against me.

I finally broke through to him and he said he felt ashamed and like a monster, that he didn't realize how awful it sounded.

But honestly after all of this, I do blame myself. I've gone through absolute hell since I was suddenly let go from a great paying job back in December 2024. I still haven't recovered financially and I've been fighting my suicidal urges endlessly.

I shouldn't have vented to him so much about how much I hate my situation and doing everything I can to earn more money. I shouldn't have expressed my suicidal thoughts so much.

Now, I'm officially alone. My parents don't care about me beyond what I can provide for them (I'm the main breadwinner).

I have no friends due to isolating myself so much.

Now I've burnt my last bridge with my boyfriend because of my darkness. I'm fucking cursed.

Sorry for the rant...I have nowhere else to go now. I've never felt so horribly alone.

 

[tospoon]

This is a safe space to rant. It is hard to tell the person you love about the struggles in your life. It is hard to tell them you thinking some dark thoughts. I don't think he sees you as a liability probably worried about you. His reaction was not good in any way. It is better to talk then to interline this. I told my wife of 22 years about my thoughts she was not happy but we found a place where I can get help.

 

[behindtheveil]

Don;t take it on yourself. What you did was quite normal, everybody needs to vent out their stress and burden. Life is a heckler as such but at the same time it's also true that the person you are trusting with these talks may not understand the situation you are in and may reply in an abrupt or completely opposite manner. But that in no way means that you have burnt any bridge with them. Just give him some time to overcome it and at the same time take a breather yourself. Cause a simple thought of losing the person you love can make you do crazy things much less than simply blurting something nonsensical.
Breathe just breathe for now. feel the now- no past or future, just now.
Taker care.