Venting My parents keep me alive

[blackheart]

I think sometimes the only reason why I don't kill myself is because I don't want my parents to suffer.

I can't find a bloody goddamn sense to all that I do on a daily basis and I'd love sometimes to be able to go to sleep forever but thinking of the desperation and devastation my death would unleash on my family is more atrocious than this life I'm forced to live.

I think if I had no one I'd just overdose on pills and bye bye. No one would come crying to my funeral. Nobody seems to care now so why should they care one I'd be gone?

 

[HeartbreakInStereo]

my parents are the main reason why i'm not gone yet either. i just can't imagine traumatizing them that way forever until they die. i know i'd be dead and wouldn't feel guilty but even in death i'd hate my parents to feel bad about me. i never wanted anyone to care about me or spend time and money on me, much less on shit like my funeral or grave. i wish i had no close family so i could end my life without any guilt and i hate it.

 

[FuneralCry]

I can imagine that it must be painful being in that situation and I'm sorry that you are going through this. I know that it is hard to carry on when you suffer so much. To me it would be unbearable staying alive only for the sake of others. I hope that you find relief from your pain.

 

[blackheart]

my parents are the main reason why i'm not gone yet either. i just can't imagine traumatizing them that way forever until they die. i know i'd be dead and wouldn't feel guilty but even in death i'd hate my parents to feel bad about me. i never wanted anyone to care about me or spend time and money on me, much less on shit like my funeral or grave. i wish i had no close family so i could end my life without any guilt and i hate it.

I think as same as you sometimes. I cannot think of my family mourning my loss. My grandma would die of sorrow right away and my parents would be devastated. I might have disappointed them enough in life and dont wanna do in death too. Big hugs to you!

I can imagine that it must be painful being in that situation and I'm sorry that you are going through this. I know that it is hard to carry on when you suffer so much. To me it would be unbearable staying alive only for the sake of others. I hope that you find relief from your pain.

That's the problem! There seems to be no relief to this. I reckon I was born with something wrong in me: I solve one issue and three more arise. That's how my life has been, just a bloody struggle for nothing. If I didn't have my parents, I'd be gone right now. My brother may be suffer but he'd plod on I'm sure!

 

[Sleepykitty]

I used to feel more strongly about staying for others. Feeling bad for leaving them all behind cuz as useless as you are you can still be there for them.
As I've grown and everyone has been growing up and out. I learn just how much nothing I did really mattered. I'm learning more about how family has thought of me as a person/daughter/sister. Fucking jokes on me.
I'm still worried about what I leave them. I told every one of them to not claim me, let the cops dispose of me how they do the other trash noone wants. The last thing I plan to do for them is to avoid as many taxes on what I leave behind. Plan to sell everything, leave the cash in someones bank account, find a hotel somewhere id like to see for a week and call it a night.
No, anymore family is a reason to call it a night. Along with being unable to hold down a job. Or inability to control my own brain. But I'm still around. Jokes on me.

Edit: Something I learned recently is If you share with them or have given away your misery. They may feel just as prisoner to you as you do to them.

 

[GlassAlwaysEmpty]

It's the same for me with my mine.

You see, I lost a sister to suicide a number of years ago and it absolutely destroyed the family. I think to myself how can I put them through the same ordeal for a second time?

Even gets to a point sometimes where I resent my sister for what she did and how it's made harder for me to do same. I hate myself for feeling that way but I can't help it

 

[LittleJem]

Suicidal brains have a different structure. I know, I also feel bad about it sometimes. But the brain has less white matter.

I wish more people knew that. Then they'd see it as part of the disease rather than a character flaw.

 

[Sleepykitty]

It's the same for me with my mine.

You see, I lost a sister to suicide a number of years ago and it absolutely destroyed the family. I think to myself how can I put them through the same ordeal for a second time?

Even gets to a point sometimes where I resent my sister for what she did and how it's made harder for me to do same. I hate myself for feeling that way but I can't help it

I have a sister who has struggled like me. But because mine was more pronounced she had to mask in other ways. She feels/felt she's required to compensate. I'm sorry.

 

[Seeking_Peace]

It's the same for me with my mine.

You see, I lost a sister to suicide a number of years ago and it absolutely destroyed the family. I think to myself how can I put them through the same ordeal for a second time?

Even gets to a point sometimes where I resent my sister for what she did and how it's made harder for me to do same. I hate myself for feeling that way but I can't help it

Are you too old to join the military? Infantry would be an honorable way to go.