TheCuriousityDude
Childhood favorite character.
- Oct 6, 2018
- 10
So if you've read my other posts on this website thus far, you've know I've been contemplating with suicide a bit...I won't go into detail about them, but in short, I have suffered from permanent anhedonia from every since the first moment I can remember...at like 3 or 4 years old in pre-school. More details can be found on these 2 other posts I made if you're that interested. https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/suicide-by-lack-of-oxygen.5933/ and https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...old-who-lives-at-home-to-commit-suicide.6273/
But when I truly think about it, for now I don't think it's worth it in the long run. Not because of myself, but because of my parents and one aunt of mine.
Though they're not always super affectionate 100% of the time, I'm very clearly their world, and a lot of things they do and have done are to help me.
My mom and dad get me pretty much everything I want that's possible for them to get me (food, clothes, electronic devices, when I was little a heck load of toys, etc), my mom makes frickin' good food almost every single day and usually offers me the most food out of the 3 people in the house (me, dad, and mom), my dad though he can't cook usually makes a really good sandwich or something, whenever I need something for school they always get it for me, they've bought products to help with my acne, etc...and the list goes on and on and on.
Sometimes in the past they were a little bit mean to me...but only in my eyes, because I can't take a joke. You know how nobody's perfect, right? And you know how sometimes friends jokingly pick at each other's imperfections for fun, to embrace that we're all humans with room for important? That's kind of what they did to me. But I never understood social cues and always took playful jokes as insults.
They also were always very nice to me and pointed out things I'm good at, too. I'm rather good looking among-st most of my peers, am rather good at drawing, am rather good at writing, my goods were grade at one point, etc. They very clearly embraced and appreciated all that.
So very clearly, they would be very hurt if I committed suicide. Especially now, that I live under the same roof. Plus, we're not American citizens...we're from Brazil and we've been here since I was 5 and a half years old, and I'm 17 today...we've never gotten our Green Card in all that time. So committing suicide I'd put them in very deep trouble. So now only would it hurt them emotionally, but with the law as well.
Also, there's this one aunt from my father's side who stayed in Brazil, who cares for me as much as my parents do. She was basically like my second mother for the time we were in Brazil. But unlike my actual parents, she "spoiled" me a lot more. Both with more affection, and because she got me "literally" everything I wanted. Aka, she was really soft on me, heh.
To this day, all the way from Brazil, she still sends me money and clothes, and we keep in contact on social media, and she sends me loving messages everyday...so clearly, she'd be about just as hurt as my parents if I commited suicide.
Anyone else besides my parents and that one aunt, fuck them though, they don't care about me. I have some teachers at school I'm in rather good terms with, and I have a few casual friends (not super close though), and on Facebook I keep in touch with some relatives outside of my parents and aunt who I know online but never ever met in real life...but they'd all forget about my death really quickly, though. My parents and aunt would be the only ones who truly care.
So therefore, my overall suicide plan...I'll move out, got to any college I'm able to get into good average or bad, get any job I can settle with...and just keep on going with life living on my own till both my parents and that one aunt dies.
My mother is currently 39, my father is 52, and that aunt is 69. Rather big age gaps in between them, but that's my family for ya...by the looks of it it's obvious who will go first and who will last the longest, but yeah.
If I'm THAT depressed and can't take it much longer than I'll just simply wait till I've moved out and it's been a couple of years...after all, my parents are not in good terms with each other at the moment, so they might blame each other and break up due to my suicide.
But if I'm like 28 years old, have been living on my own since 20 years old, have a terrible job, can barely pay my rent, etc...they'll think I committed suicide on my own terms, and not due to them. Which is exactly what I want.
But when I truly think about it, for now I don't think it's worth it in the long run. Not because of myself, but because of my parents and one aunt of mine.
Though they're not always super affectionate 100% of the time, I'm very clearly their world, and a lot of things they do and have done are to help me.
My mom and dad get me pretty much everything I want that's possible for them to get me (food, clothes, electronic devices, when I was little a heck load of toys, etc), my mom makes frickin' good food almost every single day and usually offers me the most food out of the 3 people in the house (me, dad, and mom), my dad though he can't cook usually makes a really good sandwich or something, whenever I need something for school they always get it for me, they've bought products to help with my acne, etc...and the list goes on and on and on.
Sometimes in the past they were a little bit mean to me...but only in my eyes, because I can't take a joke. You know how nobody's perfect, right? And you know how sometimes friends jokingly pick at each other's imperfections for fun, to embrace that we're all humans with room for important? That's kind of what they did to me. But I never understood social cues and always took playful jokes as insults.
They also were always very nice to me and pointed out things I'm good at, too. I'm rather good looking among-st most of my peers, am rather good at drawing, am rather good at writing, my goods were grade at one point, etc. They very clearly embraced and appreciated all that.
So very clearly, they would be very hurt if I committed suicide. Especially now, that I live under the same roof. Plus, we're not American citizens...we're from Brazil and we've been here since I was 5 and a half years old, and I'm 17 today...we've never gotten our Green Card in all that time. So committing suicide I'd put them in very deep trouble. So now only would it hurt them emotionally, but with the law as well.
Also, there's this one aunt from my father's side who stayed in Brazil, who cares for me as much as my parents do. She was basically like my second mother for the time we were in Brazil. But unlike my actual parents, she "spoiled" me a lot more. Both with more affection, and because she got me "literally" everything I wanted. Aka, she was really soft on me, heh.
To this day, all the way from Brazil, she still sends me money and clothes, and we keep in contact on social media, and she sends me loving messages everyday...so clearly, she'd be about just as hurt as my parents if I commited suicide.
Anyone else besides my parents and that one aunt, fuck them though, they don't care about me. I have some teachers at school I'm in rather good terms with, and I have a few casual friends (not super close though), and on Facebook I keep in touch with some relatives outside of my parents and aunt who I know online but never ever met in real life...but they'd all forget about my death really quickly, though. My parents and aunt would be the only ones who truly care.
So therefore, my overall suicide plan...I'll move out, got to any college I'm able to get into good average or bad, get any job I can settle with...and just keep on going with life living on my own till both my parents and that one aunt dies.
My mother is currently 39, my father is 52, and that aunt is 69. Rather big age gaps in between them, but that's my family for ya...by the looks of it it's obvious who will go first and who will last the longest, but yeah.
If I'm THAT depressed and can't take it much longer than I'll just simply wait till I've moved out and it's been a couple of years...after all, my parents are not in good terms with each other at the moment, so they might blame each other and break up due to my suicide.
But if I'm like 28 years old, have been living on my own since 20 years old, have a terrible job, can barely pay my rent, etc...they'll think I committed suicide on my own terms, and not due to them. Which is exactly what I want.
