Venting My Own Decadence

[vinterland8]

I've tried to turn myself around, to take the life I dreamed of by force. I joined a gym and put on some muscle, I joined a church, too, and ultimately I've lost both my faith and my progress at the gym. After years of excelling academically, I hate academia. After years of working out, practicing guitar, studying theology, studying apologetics, teaching classes, and leading studies, I feel nothing but regret. Exercise couldn't save me from my genetic shortcomings, I never recorded any music, and I don't use any of what I learned as a Christian, nor do my Christian friends keep in contact with me. I'm practically going blind at 21, I'm always sick, I suffer from paranoia, anxiety and OCD, and I can't seem to find any peace. Thinking about how weak I am fills me with both rage and sorrow. It's a cycle of grief that never ends. Consequently, I've fallen into nihilism, a worldview I'd always loathed. I have no "dialectical courage" to motivate me. At this point, I believe no conceivable (as in realistic) social or political outcome could make this world worth living in. If anything, I'd love to at least die honorably, but I can't even find an honorable cause to die for. I'm at my wits end. The few friends I have don't understand why I'm so depressed. They chalk it up to "seasonable depression" in the winter, or "loneliness" otherwise, which also infuriates me. I just want it all to end.

 

[CommitSudoku]

It's amazing you put in the effort to do so much, I'm sorry you lost all the progress you made there. It sounds terrifying to go blind, I know my eyesight gets worse but I can't imagine how scary it would be losing vision completely. I don't think I have much of anything helpful to say but welcome to SS and I hope perhaps you can find reprieve or company here. Best wishes whatever you decide to do.

 

[FuneralCry]

This life can be very depressing and one of the most horrible things about this life is that there is no limit as to how much we can suffer and that things can easily get so much worse. I know what it is like to never feel at peace, for me peace does not exist in this life. I'm sorry that you are going through this and I hope you find relief from your pain.

 

[jimmy7754]

I feel your pain.. it is not fair.. live really isn't a blessing when you feel worn out depressed and a cast away..

 

[locked*n*loaded]

This world can be a very bleak place. I'm sorry that, even with all of your efforts, that you've still come to this darkened mindset that is best avoided, if at all possible, but, unfortunately, does exist, even as we all wish it didn't. It's hard not to see it. I envy those who can see through it. And I can't imagine what it is like to be nearly blind at the age of 21. That is so young. I think that no matter how things turn out for you, in whatever you, eventually, decide to do, that you have, already, achieved honor. In all that you described, there is honor. You have tried. It sounds like you have tried more than most, frankly. If there isn't honor in trying, I don't know where honor lies. Trying must have honor in it, because failing has no dishonor. It seems reasonable to be depressed with everything you have experienced, no matter if your friends understand it or not. They don't walk in your shoes. There's no dishonor is feeling depressed. It is just a feeling, a real, valid feeling. It may be possible to get it to end. Maybe not. I have no idea. You'll have to figure out if there is anything that you haven't thought of to make it go away. You've, evidently, put a lot of effort into your other endeavors. I imagine you'll put as much effort into some reflection and introspection to see what you can come up with. Only then will you know you have done everything you can, and I don't think you'll settle for less. Good luck.