iridescence
<3
- Apr 25, 2025
- 13
I'm just going to start out by saying I have almost no recollection of any of this, and I mean it when I say any. I can bring up maybe one or two moments and that's it. Even the days after I woke up in the hospital are all a complete blur. I had a stash of pills, yes, but I truly didn't have those intending to CTB with them — my guess was the decision was impulsive, most likely in a bout of mania or a meltdown. And I really don't recommend even thinking of attempting to overdose on prescription meds as your way to go. I got lucky to not have any apparent permanent damage, and, also, lucky that I almost succeeded. The likelihood of it being fatal is very low even at higher dosages than I took and has a greater chance of permanent damage, so even though it almost worked for me, it's still not something I'd ever think of doing again.
What I took was around 10G of bupropion, 2G escitalopram, 5G quetiapine, and 15-20 tablets of mystery pills. Yup. Mystery pills. No idea what they were, but they were prescription and in my stash, and they weren't there after the fact, so I'm guessing I took them, too. Maybe some alcohol but I doubt it.
All that I know about the experience are from text messages I had sent to a friend at the time — starting around 6PM, I think, and ending around ten. I had thrown up a bit at six, so probably took them way before then, and I was really cold but 'hot in the face'. Dizzy. Shaky. All that. My typing was pretty bad, and randomly got better twenty minutes when I started ranting about something?..
Anyways. I stopped typing at seven saying I was tired and gonna try to sleep, and texted again at eight, completely delusional. I had apparently fallen asleep for 'what felt like hourss' and literally responded to nothing. Like, after saying I'd woken up I didn't text for twenty minutes, they hadn't replied yet, and just randomly responded to no one with 'okay, good'.
Which. I'm sorry. I laughed SO HARD reading back on that.
But, anyway. Started talking about how 'they're saying it isn't my time' and 'I can't sleep, they won't let me'. Like. Okay? Who? What the fuck? All with atrocious spelling, too, some parts I have absolutely no idea what I was trying to say, especially when it wasn't in response to my friend, but instead.. whatever I was hallucinating.
We talked for a bit and then thirty minutes later I texted, saying I was twitching uncontrollably, a 'constant moving', where it 'felt weird when I stopped for a second '. Might've been the serotonin syndrome? Seizure aftershocks? Not sure. My friend at the time wasn't taking a lot of it seriously, told me to 'wait till the high wears off and then go to sleep', but that's a rant for another day. After that we stopped texting.
Hour and a half later, the last texts I sent him, I was talking about how there were bubbles everywhere. I do remember this. My, like, one memory from the whole thing. It actually terrified me. They were huge. And, just. Everywhere. It was kind of weird — they were bubbles, nothing more, just floating there, but something about them had me literally horrified.
The first few days after I woke up I barely remember a thing from, as well, but I was still hallucinating things and my throat hurt. My grandmother, who I live with to take care of, had found me seizing on the floor after she heard a crash. Apparently, I had a total of six seizures, maybe more if I had seizures before she found me. I threw up, too, and could barely breathe since I had inhaled it. Ambulance to the hospital, then a medical plane to a big city since they didn't have the things necessary to care for me. I had stopped breathing on my own and needed a tube down my throat, which was why it hurt later on. Heart almost stopped. Needed vomit sucked out of my lungs. IVs and ECG the next four days I was in care, blah blah blah.
Apparently, had I not been found, I would have died. I would be dead right now. And that kind of pisses me off. I got so lucky that an attempt I was never planning in the first place, and had one of the lowest chances of success, actually would have worked if I hadn't been found at the time I was.
At the same time, though, I am grateful I survived. In the end, the decision was impulsive. I wasn't in my right mind, and if I go, I at least want it to be on my own terms, if that makes sense.
This is probably a shitty retelling and, frankly, there's no point in posting it. I don't have questions. It's barely even a warning. But I don't really care.
What I took was around 10G of bupropion, 2G escitalopram, 5G quetiapine, and 15-20 tablets of mystery pills. Yup. Mystery pills. No idea what they were, but they were prescription and in my stash, and they weren't there after the fact, so I'm guessing I took them, too. Maybe some alcohol but I doubt it.
All that I know about the experience are from text messages I had sent to a friend at the time — starting around 6PM, I think, and ending around ten. I had thrown up a bit at six, so probably took them way before then, and I was really cold but 'hot in the face'. Dizzy. Shaky. All that. My typing was pretty bad, and randomly got better twenty minutes when I started ranting about something?..
Anyways. I stopped typing at seven saying I was tired and gonna try to sleep, and texted again at eight, completely delusional. I had apparently fallen asleep for 'what felt like hourss' and literally responded to nothing. Like, after saying I'd woken up I didn't text for twenty minutes, they hadn't replied yet, and just randomly responded to no one with 'okay, good'.
Which. I'm sorry. I laughed SO HARD reading back on that.
But, anyway. Started talking about how 'they're saying it isn't my time' and 'I can't sleep, they won't let me'. Like. Okay? Who? What the fuck? All with atrocious spelling, too, some parts I have absolutely no idea what I was trying to say, especially when it wasn't in response to my friend, but instead.. whatever I was hallucinating.
We talked for a bit and then thirty minutes later I texted, saying I was twitching uncontrollably, a 'constant moving', where it 'felt weird when I stopped for a second '. Might've been the serotonin syndrome? Seizure aftershocks? Not sure. My friend at the time wasn't taking a lot of it seriously, told me to 'wait till the high wears off and then go to sleep', but that's a rant for another day. After that we stopped texting.
Hour and a half later, the last texts I sent him, I was talking about how there were bubbles everywhere. I do remember this. My, like, one memory from the whole thing. It actually terrified me. They were huge. And, just. Everywhere. It was kind of weird — they were bubbles, nothing more, just floating there, but something about them had me literally horrified.
The first few days after I woke up I barely remember a thing from, as well, but I was still hallucinating things and my throat hurt. My grandmother, who I live with to take care of, had found me seizing on the floor after she heard a crash. Apparently, I had a total of six seizures, maybe more if I had seizures before she found me. I threw up, too, and could barely breathe since I had inhaled it. Ambulance to the hospital, then a medical plane to a big city since they didn't have the things necessary to care for me. I had stopped breathing on my own and needed a tube down my throat, which was why it hurt later on. Heart almost stopped. Needed vomit sucked out of my lungs. IVs and ECG the next four days I was in care, blah blah blah.
Apparently, had I not been found, I would have died. I would be dead right now. And that kind of pisses me off. I got so lucky that an attempt I was never planning in the first place, and had one of the lowest chances of success, actually would have worked if I hadn't been found at the time I was.
At the same time, though, I am grateful I survived. In the end, the decision was impulsive. I wasn't in my right mind, and if I go, I at least want it to be on my own terms, if that makes sense.
This is probably a shitty retelling and, frankly, there's no point in posting it. I don't have questions. It's barely even a warning. But I don't really care.
