My note

[That's Not Me]

I am going ctb tomorrow and this is my farewell note (translated by google). Thanks to everyone in this forum. I wish the best to everyone.

 

[jodes2]

That's a fair note. I don't think I'll be writing one. My dad will console everyone else and help things go smoothly after my death, he's the rock in my life.

I'm sorry you're leaving us so soon. What's your method? Thank you too for being a part of this forum! Sending you best wishes for a peaceful exit

 

[ger3172]

this is a really good letter. i hope all your wishes will be fullfilled and that your family is going to be ok. its unfortunate seeing someone so young leaving this soon. i hope you find peace! safe travels <333

 

[uniqueuser]

can someone copy/paste and post the text here thx

 

[ger3172]

can someone copy/paste and post it the text here thx

First of all, I'd like to apologize for all the pain and confusion I'm about to cause. I've tried writing this document more times than I can count and it's gotten to the point where I know I have no control over what happens once this is all read for the first time, and that all I can do is be optimistic and believe that everything I planned for so long will happen, as well as everything I ask for will be fulfilled. You should read this entire document carefully before taking any action. If you have access to this text, there is nothing you can do to avoid the consequences of my actions, so the smart thing to do is to be aware of my wishes to ensure that you will not regret it in the future. At the beginning of the year I made the hard but inevitable decision to take my life. I like to think that everyone already knew that this would eventually happen, that it was only a matter of time. I know this is a selfish attitude, that I'm going to cause a lot of turmoil in other people's lives, but I wonder how far I can stop following my destiny in favor of the people I care about, and in the last few months I've come to the conclusion that this suffering simply makes no sense. I know I have responsibility for what happens from now on, but it just couldn't be put off any longer. My main concern now is to make it clear that none of the reasons that led me to do what I am about to do was caused by any one person and that it could not have been avoided even if my intentions had been clear from the beginning. The only thing holding me back as I write this is not being able to be satisfied with a letter that makes everything I want to say clear. As I said, this is not the first version of this document. All other versions of this letter had dozens of paragraphs, with apologies and apologies to many different people, but for now I will try to summarize it all in a few paragraphs. At the end of the day, I have very little control over what goes on in other people's minds and convincing myself of that was what I needed to leave in peace. I've been lucky enough to never have known the grieving process up close with my family, so all I can do is speculate and imagine what will happen from now on. In the last few months I was sometimes enlightened by findings that cleared up old anxieties. I think trying to figure out why things are the way they are is a pointless effort, but it's not hard to be aware of the facts that make up life, all it takes is a little effort to observe. I am convinced that I will not be able to express everything I feel in words, but the truth is that I was not made to live in this world. I just never belonged anywhere. I am immensely grateful to everyone who has gone out of their way to make me feel welcomed, and I deeply apologize to everyone I have ever hurt.

Before proceeding, I want to make clear my wishes for this moment. I feel that during my life I ended up letting the wills of others influence mine a lot, so, at this moment, the only thing that brings me peace is believing that my wills will be followed after my death. Many of the choices I make here, which are perhaps the most important ones, also serve the role of ensuring that my parents' grief is not more tragic than it needs to be. I understand that it is impossible that there is not a deep melancholy and a great emptiness, just as I understand that there were inevitable consequences in the lives of those closest to us, especially in the following months, but it is very important that all this does not reach the potential of chain disaster that has, and for that, it is essential that everything is read carefully . I ask that the person who reads this document for the first time inform Helena that a copy of this document has been sent to her email , to whom I am responsible for ensuring that everything is fulfilled. Please don't create a circus around my going . I wasn't comfortable with the spotlight in life, and it would be a nightmare for all eyes to be directed at me on the most intimate event in my entire history. Do not comment online about what happened . Only people who have to know about my death should know , that is, close family (parents, sister, grandparents, uncles and cousin). I'm not asking you to stop asking others for help and comfort, but don't turn my death into gossip . I don't want a wake or a funeral . I'm not sure if this is the best way to complete my trip, but my wish is that I be cremated and that there be no traditional ceremony with several people. The closest family (mother, father and sister) can decide where they want the cremation to take place, as well as the details of it. They can choose to say goodbye to the ashes on the day and location of the cremation, or in the following months somewhere else. Don't keep my ashes too long. As time passes, try to get things back to normal . Like I said, I know things are going to be hectic for a while, but the only thing that puts me at ease about going is knowing that if there's an effort involved, things can get back to normal in a while. If you were less affected, make sure my parents stay employed and do n't do anything they would regret if they were thinking rationally . Grief is treacherous with anyone, but it can be much more aggressive with them. Make sure you both get proper treatment . Do not allow my things to be kept for an indefinite period . I thought I'd make my stuff easier before I went and I already sold many of my things, but I couldn't deal with the suspicions, and I don't think that's the biggest challenge. Also don't try to force or speed things up . Helping move forward doesn't mean not giving yourself the time to heal.

Mother: I've spent so much time trying to predict what's about to happen, but I'm finally convinced that all I can do is ask you to believe what I'm really saying, rather than trying to figure out what I mean. Nothing could have been done sooner to prevent what just happened. I know your head will try to trick you to convince you that you could have done something, but you have to believe me when I say that everything was already predestined. Even during my stable period, when I looked at the world and things seemed to make some sense, I couldn't understand how I could be worthy of being the son of such a perfect person. I looked at every single thing you did and knew I would never live life so masterfully. I watched other people and I was sure that there is no one as talented as my mother. I looked at my life and I was proud of who you made me become. I don't know what made me worthy of an education like the one I had, but I'm very happy to have received the values I received. Since I was little, I looked at other children and, in a way, they felt grateful that a mother was different from those who decided to let life raise their child, even with so many difficulties. I know I wasn't fair to you the first few years I was sick, and I'm not proud of anything I did back then, but in the end, life hasn't been fair to either of us. I know I don't know your life, I know you made the choice to withhold painful facts to protect me, and I can't express how grateful I am for that. The truth is, I was never worthy of a mother like you. In my last few months, I've consciously chosen to hide my situation from other people, and please don't blame me for it. I made the decision to take my life without the influence of any external matter or any person. Don't let bad memories take away from good memories. Also don't forget that you still have a daughter who needs you and your love, a sick father who you can help more, a mother who loves you and a husband who does everything for you. It would make me very happy that you would seek help to get through this moment. You were the best mother I've ever known. I love you.

Dad: I've never felt admiration and inspiration for anyone the way I felt for you. I want to apologize for the last year. I hope I made it clear that I didn't feel any hatred or remorse. In other versions of this text I cited several examples that tried to explain my gratitude for everything, but nothing can truly express the love I feel for you. Thank you for making me a decent person and for giving me love at times when anyone else would have given up. At the end of the day we are almost equal, but I am weaker. We've always thought the same way and I want you to know that I've always been very proud of that. I'm sorry I never knew how to express my love and admiration. Don't let your head convince you that you could have done something to stop what ended up happening. I need you to believe me when I tell you that I didn't feel any hate and that I always loved you more than I could ever say. You still have a daughter who needs your love, a wife who is by your side, and a mother who needs your help. Don't try to go through this alone. Seek professional help. Let Helena help you with that. I am sincere when I say that I have never met any father as good as you. I love you so much.

Helena:
xxxxxx

And to all the people who have passed through my life, thank you so much for making me go through more peaceful times. I was so lucky to have such amazing friends and such a loving family. My decision to deal with my problems as I did, discreetly and internally, is my responsibility. I don't regret it. Sorry to those I could have treated better or done more of over the years. I won't be able to express my gratitude for everything. Thank you very much.
In many versions of this letter I have tried to lay out some thoughts and observations about my short observation of things, but I think I am embarrassed just thinking how arrogant that is. After all, who cares about the arrogant opinions of an 18-year-old boy? I think it all boils down to: try to be better and don't expect the same from others. As I said, I think that many of the things I feel are impossible to translate into words, and music played a very important role in my life as it was a way to bring me some feeling of understanding and, mainly, to welcome me in moments where nothing else could. So I made two playlists. I'm not sure how important or necessary this is, but like most things I'm doing here, it felt like a coherent thing to do. The first has a function of trying to translate my feelings. Some specific tracks may have deeply relatable lyrics, such as I Just Wasn't Made For These Times or 'Til I Die, others can relate to thoughts and views I've had, such as It's About Time, and others just might have an atmosphere that seemed to understand me at some point. Don't get hung up on specific details and verses. The other playlist is composed of songs that somehow made me feel welcomed and made the loneliness and emptiness more bearable. At some point in 2021, when I felt guilty about being lonely, even surrounded by people, and unhappy, even though I was so fortunate, I listened to music nonstop for days, even before bed. I think it was the only way to feel a little peace in that period. Even before, when I could find calm in other places, I think I always felt music as a hug of trust, and this playlist is composed precisely of songs from different periods that served as welcome and understanding.
Playlist 1: xxxxxx (don't listen on shuffle )
Playlist 2: xxxxxx

All the best to those who stay.

 

[That's Not Me]

That's a fair note. I don't think I'll be writing one. My dad will console everyone else and help things go smoothly after my death, he's the rock in my life.

I'm sorry you're leaving us so soon. What's your method? Thank you too for being a part of this forum! Sending you best wishes for a peaceful exit

Thank you for your words. I wish the best for you as well. I will use SN

 

[FuneralCry]

Your note is certainly very well written. Farewell, I hope that you find the freedom that you search for.

 

[freedomcalls]

I think your note shows a great deal of forethought and clarity & I hope it will be of great comfort to your family.

Very best wishes for your onward journey