Serena fuga
Member
- Jan 15, 2026
- 62
I wanted to tell a little of my story... I'm the youngest of three children. I lost my father when I was six months old. My mother, who was already depressed, worsened with grief. She had to work and study at night because she was still illiterate. My grandmother took care of us as best she could. My mother's uncle came to our house often and started abusing me when I was four, and this continued until I was eight. We were poor, we didn't have clothes or toys, and my siblings' entertainment was watching the mutilated bodies run over on the train tracks in front of our house. I think when I was also four, they started taking me along, and that was very hard for a child to see. I started having nightmares and insomnia at a very young age... at 9 years old my mother remarried a man 20 years older than her, sadistic and evil, he would beat us until we bled for anything, and at 10 years old I ran away from home and asked a former neighbor to adopt me, of course she called my mother and I was beaten even more!!
At 14 years old I attempted my first suicide by cutting my wrist, but they found me and then I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital, I left and saw that something was very broken inside me and I couldn't fix it, I lacked love, being cared for by my family, protection and dignity, at 17 I took rat poison, at 19 I took cooking gas, but I was always caught in time. At 19, I also discovered that sex was good and I became kind of a nymphomaniac... until at 24 I got pregnant and decided to be a single mother, but something changed inside me, it seemed like hope, a new light, a different spirit, I became a professional, worked in large companies, earned good money, until I met a guy, got pregnant again and got married. I was stable, I already had my own house, but I made the mistake of getting married. I didn't know him well, he was obsessively jealous of me, he made me quit my job and controlled my life in every way, he started drinking and spending all his company's money with friends in bars, until one day he threatened to hit me and I ran away with the children. I got a restraining order from the police and got divorced!!
I worked a little more, raised my children with the best of everything, great schools, trips and expensive clothes. But then other struggles began, they went down the path of drugs, they made me even crazier than I already was... That's when I met a guy 10 years younger than me, who brought comfort to my heart, we had 8 years of great complicity and companionship until he asked me for a child (which I would never have again because of everything I had already been through with my own and because I was already 45 years old), I decided to let him go and that had a great impact on my already difficult life. The depression worsened dramatically and soon after, my mother died, that was the last straw.
I had no understanding of suicide, how to do it, in fact I am grateful to the friends on this forum, here I gained knowledge and empathy...
My mother left an arsenal of pills for her heart, rheumatism, anticoagulants, to sleep, anyway, one weekend alone at home, I took 300 pills (I didn't even crush them lol) without taking an antiemetic beforehand, with a bottle of Amarula. I turned on my playlist and quickly turned it off, ahh, this time I would succeed...
Then, my brother called me 12 hours later after I had taken everything and of course, I didn't answer. He got suspicious and went to my house and found me passed out and covered in vomit, I went to the hospital. In the Intensive Care Unit, the doctor called my family and said I was in a coma, my brain was very swollen and that I might not make it through the night (I wish!), well, I was in a coma for 18 days, when I woke up (still intubated), I saw water running down the windows, but inside, as if it were raining in the room, then butterflies flying, then I thought: - what the hell was in those pills my mother gave me? Hahaha... I couldn't keep my eyes still, my pupils kept moving frantically from side to side, without stopping, causing a lot of agony, and I couldn't sleep either. On top of that, they kept coming to suction my lungs, and it was demonic pain. My veins couldn't handle so much medication anymore; they would burst and get others everywhere in my body—foot, head, neck—and always with a lot of pain!!
Friends, it was desperate. It was a university hospital, young doctors with no compassion for suicidal people. Besides that, I was being fed through a tube, and that caused a lot of intestinal discomfort. I had diarrhea all the time, and those guys would come to clean me and change my diaper. I couldn't speak because of the breathing tube. They kept me naked, covered with a sheet so as not to lose the vein. They touched my breasts, lifted the sheet to show my tattoos to their friends. There were fights over who would give me the day's bath, and I left with a purple mark on my groin and without any dignity. I was going to report them, but who would believe a crazy person?And there I went again to the psychiatric hospital, I left after a year, much worse because of the friends I made there, crazier than me. Realizing that the emptiness was greater, I shut myself off, isolated myself, shielded myself from everything that could hurt me even more. I managed to retire on disability (depression) and went on with life like that inside my cocoon as best I could... until 5 years later, I had a cerebral thrombosis, ICU again, another 20 days hospitalized, but without sequelae (thankfully). And after discovering this forum, I think I learned what I needed to know to not fail, which I sincerely appreciate... I've already bought my N in Peru and my CTB will be by October at the latest, I'm resolving some pending issues, will, funeral arrangements are already sorted, and gathering courage to try again. My fear is being so unlucky and surviving and going through all this shit again... physical and mental pain. I feel exhausted and all I dream of is peace and nothing else... and that's my story!! (sorry for the long text, it's just another lonely day lol)
(Perhaps my English isn't very good, using a translator is fine.)
At 14 years old I attempted my first suicide by cutting my wrist, but they found me and then I was admitted to a psychiatric hospital, I left and saw that something was very broken inside me and I couldn't fix it, I lacked love, being cared for by my family, protection and dignity, at 17 I took rat poison, at 19 I took cooking gas, but I was always caught in time. At 19, I also discovered that sex was good and I became kind of a nymphomaniac... until at 24 I got pregnant and decided to be a single mother, but something changed inside me, it seemed like hope, a new light, a different spirit, I became a professional, worked in large companies, earned good money, until I met a guy, got pregnant again and got married. I was stable, I already had my own house, but I made the mistake of getting married. I didn't know him well, he was obsessively jealous of me, he made me quit my job and controlled my life in every way, he started drinking and spending all his company's money with friends in bars, until one day he threatened to hit me and I ran away with the children. I got a restraining order from the police and got divorced!!
I worked a little more, raised my children with the best of everything, great schools, trips and expensive clothes. But then other struggles began, they went down the path of drugs, they made me even crazier than I already was... That's when I met a guy 10 years younger than me, who brought comfort to my heart, we had 8 years of great complicity and companionship until he asked me for a child (which I would never have again because of everything I had already been through with my own and because I was already 45 years old), I decided to let him go and that had a great impact on my already difficult life. The depression worsened dramatically and soon after, my mother died, that was the last straw.
I had no understanding of suicide, how to do it, in fact I am grateful to the friends on this forum, here I gained knowledge and empathy...
My mother left an arsenal of pills for her heart, rheumatism, anticoagulants, to sleep, anyway, one weekend alone at home, I took 300 pills (I didn't even crush them lol) without taking an antiemetic beforehand, with a bottle of Amarula. I turned on my playlist and quickly turned it off, ahh, this time I would succeed...
Then, my brother called me 12 hours later after I had taken everything and of course, I didn't answer. He got suspicious and went to my house and found me passed out and covered in vomit, I went to the hospital. In the Intensive Care Unit, the doctor called my family and said I was in a coma, my brain was very swollen and that I might not make it through the night (I wish!), well, I was in a coma for 18 days, when I woke up (still intubated), I saw water running down the windows, but inside, as if it were raining in the room, then butterflies flying, then I thought: - what the hell was in those pills my mother gave me? Hahaha... I couldn't keep my eyes still, my pupils kept moving frantically from side to side, without stopping, causing a lot of agony, and I couldn't sleep either. On top of that, they kept coming to suction my lungs, and it was demonic pain. My veins couldn't handle so much medication anymore; they would burst and get others everywhere in my body—foot, head, neck—and always with a lot of pain!!
Friends, it was desperate. It was a university hospital, young doctors with no compassion for suicidal people. Besides that, I was being fed through a tube, and that caused a lot of intestinal discomfort. I had diarrhea all the time, and those guys would come to clean me and change my diaper. I couldn't speak because of the breathing tube. They kept me naked, covered with a sheet so as not to lose the vein. They touched my breasts, lifted the sheet to show my tattoos to their friends. There were fights over who would give me the day's bath, and I left with a purple mark on my groin and without any dignity. I was going to report them, but who would believe a crazy person?And there I went again to the psychiatric hospital, I left after a year, much worse because of the friends I made there, crazier than me. Realizing that the emptiness was greater, I shut myself off, isolated myself, shielded myself from everything that could hurt me even more. I managed to retire on disability (depression) and went on with life like that inside my cocoon as best I could... until 5 years later, I had a cerebral thrombosis, ICU again, another 20 days hospitalized, but without sequelae (thankfully). And after discovering this forum, I think I learned what I needed to know to not fail, which I sincerely appreciate... I've already bought my N in Peru and my CTB will be by October at the latest, I'm resolving some pending issues, will, funeral arrangements are already sorted, and gathering courage to try again. My fear is being so unlucky and surviving and going through all this shit again... physical and mental pain. I feel exhausted and all I dream of is peace and nothing else... and that's my story!! (sorry for the long text, it's just another lonely day lol)
(Perhaps my English isn't very good, using a translator is fine.)
