My mum is about to die

[Faraknur]

I mentioned it before but the cancer in the liver of my mum rapidly grew over the weekend. She is there mentally bjt has a hard time communicating because she is week. The doc said we can only lessen her pain and it is no longer operable because they would have to remove almost her entire liver. I am coping with this fact but i will die with her most likely. I am going to manage the funeral and bring her and my finances in order and maybe wait a month more. if there is nothing that keeps me in this life by then (and i doubt there will be anything) i will make a public stream of my suicide. If anyone can recommend a site that is slow to respond to reports i would be very thankful
thanks for the hugs. it is hard because she is a bright woman. always was. and not being able to talk to her about deep topics kills me. i talked with my grandma abkut stuff and you could tell she wants to be part of the conversation but cant. i cried alot in the stairwell and am not ashamed to admit that

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are going through this, I can imagine that it must be very painful, losing someone can be devastating. I wish you the best.

 

[meetapple]

I am sorry to hear that. I offer you my condolences.

 

[Faraknur]

Well yeah it is painful. But really my mum is the only thing tying me to this mortal plane. I just dont want to deal with it any longer. Everything you try to make better must first go through a bunch of politics and internal struggle. so even if i did that for 30 more years i doubt it would go far

 

[Sakura94]

Spend as much time with her as you can, every second is worth it.

 

[Faraknur]

i am going in tomorrow again. was there two hours today. but she has alot of visitors and i dont want to exhaust her

 

[Huntfish34]

I cant even imagine,. Thoughts and prayers to you and your family through out this time.

 

[Axll12345]

My mom battled with metastatic breast cancer for 18 years or practically all my life. I sympathize with you. It's one of the hardest things to see them slowly get frailer and weaker. It really takes a toll on you especially if you are a caretaker.

I unfortunately was too emotional to be there for my mom as much as I wanted to in her last moments. I plan on visiting her at the cemetery this week and letting it all out. Telling her how I've been feeling and about why I want to CTB.

You've got this @Faraknur you seem like a strong person. Whatever choice you decide to make, I hope you've planned out well.

 

[lostautist]

I'm sorry to hear. Take all your strength and spend as much time with her as you can no matter how many visits she gets, I'm sure you are probably one of the only visitors she truly wants or needs. Don't be afraid to share your emotions. Tell her exactly what she means to you and that you're there with her.

My mother died in my arms in the hospital after she refused more treatment after her last massive heart attack. They wanted to put her in a coma and intubate her so she could heal, but she had enough needles and tests, a lifetime of them. She then said it was up to me to decide. She had previous massive attacks and was depressed and had tried to commit suicide years before, before my neglectful and abusive father passed, but she hung around because she didn't want to leave me alone. And it was just her and I. I was her only company and care giver for 8 years after 'dad' passed, which is a whole other traumatic experience from him. Anyways, she had suffered so much in her long life and she did not really want to live, so I told them to put her on comfort care and she passed away in my arms less than 10 minutes later. I got to tell her that I loved her, was there for her and that it was ok to go.

That wasn't my first traumatic, life changing experience. I started off life with unfathomable abuse and neglect trauma, and several other times in life, but this was my first bout with clinical depression that I barely survived. When I was young, I asked my mom what she was most afraid of, and she said 'dying alone', so after my father passed, I quit my career and social life to focus caregiving to my mother. My life's goal and most important purpose was to make sure that I would be there for her. I was, and I believe I've fulfilled my life's purpose.

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

I'm sorry @Faraknur, thats an absolute nightmare.